Yesterday I met the mother of one of my friends. She told me that she feels like she already knows me because she's been reading my blog - all 193 pages up to that point. She said it's amazing the things I write about and what I'm going through, and that if it was her she'd want to curl up in a ball.
So many people fighting a battle like this are called heroes, or inspirations, or strong and resilient. I can honestly tell you, at least in my case, there is no special hero secret. I don't wake up each morning thinking of ways I can be awesome. There have been many, many days since d-day when I've wanted to curl up in a ball and hide from this mess. There were many days when I actually did curl up in a ball. There are days when I cry and days when I want to shut out the world and days when I've wanted to escape from myself - from my own body or my mind. There are days when I want to say "I can't do this anymore".
You know how I get through? Life goes on. Even with no hair, no energy, crazy uncomfortable foobs (that's breast cancer speak for fake boobs) and more fatigue than I can even describe, life goes on, it's beautiful and I want to live it. I don't want to look back in a month or six months or a year and say "Wow, I missed out on so much because of this cancer thing." Cancer is harsh. It's ugly. It's devastating. It's time-consuming. It's scary. It's exhausting. But I refuse to give it any more power over me than it already has.
Hubby posted a video on Facebook today a woman made about fighting cancer and she used Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger". It shows people with signs that say "Fighter" and "Warrior" and "Survivor". The lady is dancing at her chemo treatments with the nurses, and singing along to the song. He said, "Maybe not the dancing in public part but the rest of this is exactly Michelle's attitude and feelings." If I'm stronger, it's because of him. He's my only other "secret".....him by my side, helping me get through each day, each appointment, each test, each treatment. That, and seeing my two kiddos' sweet faces..... best medicine ever!