Welcome to my world

I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister and a friend.
I've learned that who you have in your life matters more than what you have.
Thank you for stepping in to my world!

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1034

For 1034 days I have used this blog as an outlet... a way to talk about things I'm sick of talking about, or things I can't talk about, as a way to express myself when I don't know how else to do it, a way to explain, complain, rejoice and give thanks.  Writing is cathartic for me.  I can pour my heart out on here, my own little slice of the internet, and even if nobody reads it, I feel better for getting it out.  In the grand scheme of things, what I have to say on here matters little.  But in my world, what I have to say on here comes from my heart and that matters a lot.

I've had two weeks to debate this post.  In one way I feel like I'm stooping to a level I don't want to stoop to.  If I didn't play the "why me?" card with cancer, I sure as hell don't want to over something not nearly as significant.  But I'm just tired of it all.  I'm sick of being blamed, I'm sick of people telling lies to make themselves look better, I'm sick of people believing those lies.  

See, the thing people don't realize is that when you lie, you eventually get caught.  You trip yourself up, make a mistake, tell the wrong person, post in the wrong GroupMe (ha)... whatever.  It happens.  And then you either own up to it or you keep lying.  The problem is, telling the same lie over and over doesn't make it truth.

Hubby and I have had quite a few people lie to us lately..... people we have spent a lot of time with and we considered friends.  Some very good friends.  But these same people have taken to Facebook with their lies, playing the victim, and blaming us for whatever they think we are guilty of. 

Once upon a time there was a little girls softball team... a team that played together, traveled together, a team where the girls were all friends and the parents were, too.  All of the parents on this softball team signed a commitment letter, agreeing to the rules the coach sent out, and committing their girls to the team for a year.  Not even four months later, half of the people on the team not only broke that commitment to the team, but they did it in a deceitful way that hurt me, my family and especially our team.  That is not cool.

I have always considered K's softball team my family.  Players have come and gone over the years, and we've weathered an incredible storm (but that's another post)... but through it all, I've always had the Lady Diamonds.  For five years, this team has been the focal point of K's softball "life".  I've loved all of the girls and have gained some pretty awesome friendships.  

Unfortunately, discontent and self-serving people have a way of breaking up even the strongest of teams, and I've since learned that our ties weren't as strong as I believed.  

Let me get one thing straight... the fact that a father feels his daughter "outgrew" our team and he wants the chance to start his own team and coach her himself is not the issue.  Not at all.  While I hate to lose anyone, especially K's BFF (yes.... again), I respect the fact that what I want isn't what everyone else thinks is best for their daughter.  Had he come to us, his friends, his daughter's head coach, and explained what he wanted to do and why, then there would have been no harm, no foul.  

Unfortunately this person decided to go the deceitful route, making plans behind our backs, even recruiting players from our own team.  He denies that, repeatedly, but the truth speaks for itself.  The fact that any of the four others who left with him wanted to leave is not the issue.  The fact that not one of them came to us in a stand up way to say they were going to leave is the issue.  They all jumped ship at the same time.  And nobody said one word over the last few weeks/months about being approached.  Once the truth came out and people were confronted, then yes they admit he came to them to talk about this new team he was starting.  During this whole time, did nobody think to say "Hey, maybe you guys should have a talk with him because something's going on."?????

This person, his wife - one of my best friends - and those that went along with him, knew of his plans for weeks.  I don't know why he keeps perpetuating the same lie to everyone.  People talk, even people he thinks are loyal to him.  We know he got this idea months ago.  We know he approached parents of the girls on our team - not the other way around.  I know he talked to other parents at my daughter's birthday party!  Telling them he was going to start his own team and he'd be having open tryouts.  Really?  REALLY?  At my little girl's birthday party?  Surrounded by her so-called teammates?  THAT'S when you approach people? We know one of the parents still on the team became (for lack of a better word) a "spy", keeping him posted on private team business, and this person sent him screen shots from our team's conversations.
(And this spy continues to lie about that, even when he was caught in the lie, and is now playing the victim, too.)

What are we, junior high?  It's bad enough that this person planned to dismantle our team behind our backs (and almost succeeded).  But YOU LEFT.  You CHOSE to not be a part of our team anymore.  Own up to what you did and move the hell on.  Don't worry about what is said in our group.  Don't worry about who we have or don't have on our team.  Don't worry about what people think of your Facebook posts.  The Lady Diamonds are NOT your business anymore.
(and neither should you)

Even when the people who have lied to us are caught in their lies, they still insist they are telling the truth.  They paint themselves innocent, and turn the blame around onto us.  Tell me, what did Hubby and I do?  We believed in people.  We trusted friendships.  We foolishly thought that a commitment meant the same thing to others as it does to us.  What we did not do is lie, backstab or try to sell our "woe is me" side to anyone who will listen.  The people that matter, the people who truly care about us... they stuck by us and they know the truth.  We're not blaming you for what you did.  We are blaming you for the WAY you did it.  

Want to start your own team?  I'm sorry to see you go, but that's your choice.  All you had to do was be honest with us from the beginning.
Want to take players from our team instead of going the honorable route and finding your own girls?  That sucks, and says a lot about your character as well as the character of those who left with you.

I'm stuck in a very uncomfortable situation.  This is K's BFF we're talking about.  My little girl does NOT deserve to lose another best friend over the parents' actions.  While cutting ties with her former BFF was necessary - because no way was I letting my daughter hang out with criminals - what happened with our team this time wasn't illegal.  Disrespectful?  Disloyal?  Absolutely.  My heart is crushed, knowing people that I spent so much time with could turn on me on a dime.  But K and her friend are innocent.  I know her mother loves my daughter, and I have vowed to do whatever I can to ensure this doesn't touch their friendship any more than it has.  But....

This is so HARD.  Losing half of our team at once sucked.  Being lied to, repeatedly, by the same people calling us liars, that sucks too.  But what really sucks is that one of my friendships has been altered in such a way that I don't know how to move forward.  I can be cordial for my daughter's sake, and I can hold a hope in my heart that this lady did not intend to crush my heart the way they did.... but everything right now is just too much.  Seeing their posts about a "fresh start" and giving this so-called friend the "FULL support of his family and friends" makes me physically ill.  I think the world of their daughter, and wish her no ill will at all... but their "new chapter" is at the expense of my team, my daughter, our friendships.  The fact that she is standing by her man is admirable, but in doing so she is turning her back on me.  And that sucks too.  Maybe there's no way to salvage a friendship that's been shaken so badly.  Maybe there's no way to regain trust.  But maybe there is.  People mean too much to me to be able to just turn off my ability to care.  

But for now I have to let go a little.  I need to step back, away from all of this.  I can hold my head up high.  I did nothing wrong.  I dare anyone who says otherwise to prove it.  Hubby is the straightest straight-shooter in the world.  If he has something to say, he says it and he does not care what you think.  He doesn't worry about what people think of him, and if you want to know something, just ask him.  He does not lie.  And yet these people, the ones who were dishonest and disloyal, are calling him a hypocrite and trying to catch him in a lie.  Ha.   Have fun with that.

Lying in bed last night until well past 1am, unable to sleep, I made the decision to write this.  I needed to get it all out, purge all of the bitterness and hurt, so that I can stop stressing about it.  Why should I lose sleep over other people's actions?  I'm sad, I'm mad, and I'm very, very hurt.  But life goes on.  I can't make people see the truth who are blind to it, and I'm sick of trying.  

This is the new motto of the Lady Diamonds.  

Do we still have a team?  Yes.  We are having to build back up almost from scratch, having lost five of the ten girls on our team - including two of our infielders and a pitcher.... but we can do it.  I'm excited to start practicing with our new girls and open a new chapter in the Lady Diamonds book.  I'm thankful for those who have stuck by us and remained loyal to the team.  I'm grateful that despite everything, my daughter still has her coaches, her friends, her team.  I'm blessed by the friendship and support of those around us.

 “Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”. John 8:7

Friday, June 17, 2016

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1023

Three years ago, when her brother came home from his first year at church camp with all kinds of stories about his adventures, K was so sad that she didn't get to go.  She didn't get to go the next year, or even the next.  Finally this year she was old enough (and Mom was semi-confident she could handle sending her baby girl to New Mexico for five days).  I hoped and prayed that God would look over her and show himself in amazing ways this week.  My hopes have been fulfilled.

K's name means "brave".  

That about sums up this week, for both of us.  If you know her, you know my daughter is a sensitive, careful girl.  She is quick to love and easily hurt (just like her mama).  She is NOT the type that I would think would happily hop on a bus armed with her Bible, some snacks and her BFF and spend five days away from home with strangers.  The days leading up to camp were filled with excitement and preparation.... buying sunscreen, bug spray, travel sized toiletries, new clothes and water shoes.  The night before camp she was packed and as ready to go as she could be....

Ready.... until she came out of her room at 11pm crying because she was going to miss me.  "What if I get homesick and sad?"  she asked.  After a dozen hugs and the best pep talk I could give, she finally went to sleep and woke up on Monday with her teeth chattering from excitement.

We had another iffy moment after loading her luggage on the bus and heading back into the church to wait for send-off.  "My tummy hurts."  Oh boy.  Ok, another pep talk.  As many conflicting emotions as I was having at that time, I know my little girl's heart was filled with even more.  She was excited and scared, anxious and happy.  She seemed to pull herself together and by the time we headed to the buses she was ready to go.

We had another moment of slight panic while waiting for the buses to pull out.  It seemed to take FOREVER, and then the door opened on one of the buses.  I'll give you one guess whose kid was on that bus.  Hubby and I held our breath, just waiting for K to climb off the bus with her pillow in her arms and tears on her face.  Alas, there was no trouble and nobody backed out.  They were off!

It was so incredibly difficult to not only send my daughter off with strangers, but to send her to another STATE and not be in contact with her at all.  No phone calls, no texts, nothing.  I did write her letters for each day so she would get "mail" at camp, and she told me she loved that I put a joke on the back of each envelope.  I am lucky that so many of my friends and people I know on Facebook either were at camp or had a friend at camp, so I was able to see some pictures during the week of my girl having a grand time.

My nature girl in her element.... bandana in her hair, sun-kissed cheeks, barefoot in a creek.  

This girl right here with K is the reason I agreed to let K go to camp.  Knowing her bestie would be there with her, also away from home for the first time, was such a comfort for me.  I love that they were able to share this time together and make memories to last a lifetime.  

Five days after K left, I was so excited to pick her up tonight that we showed up thirty minutes early.  It wasn't long before the big white fancy buses began showing up (there were 6 of them!).

After a week of tumult and heartache in my life, missing my girl and hoping she had the BEST time, K is back home giving me the best hug ever.   And she brought me a gift!

Faith.  Hope.  Love.
My girl knows me, huh?

I'm sure we haven't even heard a fraction of the fun times that K had this week.  She shared her journal with me and the first page had a message to God about how much she loves him.  She said that she cried during almost every worship service.  When I asked why, she shrugged and said it touched her.  She said the counselors were so nice and prayed with her every time.  So to the counselors from Beltway at Camp Bonita, thank you, thank you, thank you for loving my girl.

When I asked her what her absolute favorite part of camp was, she said "The Leap of Faith".

Brave indeed.  

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1020

I've done a lot of soul searching (and a lot of crying) over the last few days.  You know what?  Having a bad day isn't the end of the world.  Having a couple of bad days isn't the end of the world.   Even having cancer isn't the end of the world.

Things happen every day that make us sad, mad, hurt, disappointed, frustrated.  I can't control how other people treat me.  I can't control what someone else does.  I sure can't control what life throws at me.  
What I can control is how I react.

Since having cancer I have learned to be a tiny bit selfish, because most of the little problems don't really matter in the grand scheme of things when you are faced with your own mortality.   However, maybe I've become a little too selfish in thinking I'm as important to others as I want to be.  There are billions of people on this planet....what makes me so special?

I laugh, I cry, I support my friends, I treasure my husband and family.  I do my best to be the kind of person who inspires trust, the kind of person people want to be around, the kind of person whom others want to make a priority.  I become attached, I care, I love.  That's just who I am.

That also means I get hurt.
That doesn't mean I can't continue to be kind, caring, and fun.  Tears can be wiped away, hearts can mend.  If life wants to knock me down, I'm going to get back up stronger, not become bitter.  My mother is the most positive person I've ever known.  If I can be even just a little bit like her I'll have succeeded in leaving this world a better place because I was here.

Life gives you lemons, sometimes a lot of them.  Good thing I like lemonade.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1018

My heart is breaking today.

I know it's not goodbye - more like a "see you later" (or in November), but the friendship I have with Shelley is so so special to me and I can't even describe with words how much my life is going to change with her gone or how much I'm going to miss her.

I had no idea back in 2012 when our girls met as 6U teammates on the Lady Diamonds that S and I would grow so close.  Our friendship is full of laughter and even some tears, support and companionship.... she is my honorary softball board member, my fellow crazy football fan, my Dallas doctor appointment traveling buddy, my gummy bear sharer, and my Vegas vacation partner.

Shelbel, you have made my days brighter.  You're a blessing to me and my family.
I wish I knew what I'll do without you.