Kicking cancer's ass - day 2052

Today is National Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day.  (It's true - look it up.)
I just might need to, considering it's an insomniac blogging kind of night.  Almost 2am.... my morning alarm is going to suck.

The weird thing about insomnia is that it hits me when I'm SO tired.  I just want to close my eyes and sleep.... but I can't.

So... here we go:

First and foremost on my mind...before you complain, have you volunteered yet?

I received a very thorough dressing down via email today.  I don't get mad very often, but after reading that email I.WAS.MAD.  If I take a step back and ignore the personal attack, it's actually quite funny.  People get bent out of shape over the dumbest things.   They are so self-centered and quick to criticize, and yet when you ask for help, suddenly they aren't so vocal.  I bust my ass at my volunteer position.  The amount of emails/texts/phone calls I get is astronomical.  I can't even begin to count how many hours I spend, on my own time, often away from my family.  And yet, for some, it's not enough.  The worst part?  This person who thought to give me a lesson in how to do my volunteer job?  A little more than half my age.  GOOD GRIEF.

I know there are a lot of people who appreciate what I do.  I know I'm making a difference, and that's the important part.  But sometimes all it takes is one instance like today to totally defeat me.  I actually said "I quit".  Of course I didn't mean it, but in that moment, I kinda did.

I wanted to say... you think you can do a better job?  Have at it.
I wanted to say... you think getting this worked up over a minor issue on your THREE YEAR OLD'S tee ball team is worth it?
I wanted to say... my kid doesn't even play in this league and I'm doing a thousand times more than you are to make sure YOUR kid can play!
I wanted to say... I AM A VOLUNTEER!

In the end, I did say some of those things, and a lot more (a LOT).  But you know what?  If some young punk has the right to criticize me, then I have the right to set him straight on his misconceptions.

Volunteering is a thankless job.  I don't do it for thanks, but I sure as hell don't do it for insults either.

Today the Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris burned.  It made me so sad.  I'm not Catholic.  I've never been to France.  But seeing the pictures of such an iconic, historic, incredibly beautiful building on fire made my heart hurt.

Dexter is a funny, funny dog.  He snores.  A lot.  Sometimes with his eyes open.  Sometimes he wakes himself up.  (Sound familiar Grammie??)  We got him a new collar.  It's Dallas Cowboys blue with silver stars.  He's a true Texan now.

Today was a first for me.  I went to a florist with my son to order a corsage.  He is going to PROM.  Holy cow.  His date isn't a "date" date.... she's the only sophmore in their group of friends and if you're not a junior or a senior then you need to be the date of one.  So J is taking a date to prom.  Eight words I never thought I'd say.  Ha!  

My daughter and her friends started playing Dungeons and Dragons.  The crazy, sad part is that my brother used to play that when we were kids, and I actually had a moment the other day where I thought, "I need to call Darren and tell him about K playing D&D."  Sigh.  The loss of my big brother is still gut-wrenching.

I hate lymphedema.  With a passion.  Compression garments suck.  The constant ache sucks.  The puffy hand and lumpy arm and nonexistent elbow all suck.  Dr C said it can take up to a year to see full results from the surgery I had.  Judging by the lack of improvement I've had, I'm not very hopeful that my case will be a success.  I want to live a long, long time.  But knowing I'll have to live a long, long time with this disease that nobody knows about or understands or can do anything about is depressing.

Speaking of surgery.... one of my mom's coworkers has to have surgery.  She went to NYC to meet with the doctor, and guess what?  HER doctor was one of MY favorite doctors in Dallas!  Dr K was my gynecological oncologist until she moved to New York a couple of years ago.  What a small world we live in.

Even though it'll be a short night, I suppose it's time to sleep away my troubles.  

Tomorrow... well, today...is a new day.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 2043

  

It has been a little over a month since my big brother died. 
38 days to be exact. 
We still don't know why.  The pain and sorrow are just as heavy now as they were the night I found out.  I relive that phone call over and over.  I still can't believe that he's gone.

I think about him so often, and this is how I picture him when I do:  a baseball cap (probably Dallas Cowboys) on his head, a water bottle in his hand, and a smile on his face.

I hate that he passed away.  HATE IT.  Not too many things make me very angry, but this does.  

I don't want to sound trite, because the fact that Darren is not in our world anymore truly sucks..... but there is always a silver lining.  

One of the bright spots in one of the darkest months of my life is Dexter.  With Darren gone, his little buddy needed a home.  We didn't know it, but we needed Dexter, too.

Three weeks ago today Hubby and I left Las Vegas with this precious cargo.

It was a long, long drive there and back in a few short days, but oh so worth it.

This little (ok, maybe not so little) dog has brought joy and laughter to our house.  I have always been a cat lover, and never wanted a dog.  Who knew Dexter would make my heart so happy?  He has Darren's personality, and being able to love Dexter since Darren can't is a balm to my wounded soul.

My kids are over the moon with this dog, especially K.  

She is an animal lover and has been begging for a cat or a dog for YEARS.  I was the one who would veto a dog, Hubby always vetoed a cat.  There was no way on earth I could have denied her, though, when she asked if we could take Dexter.

He is a quirky guy who hates dog food, likes popcorn, enthusiastically greets everyone he meets and LOVES riding in the car.  And he's always smiling.

The last six weeks have been a whirlwind of travel.  Last weekend we were in Kerrville for softball.  The weekend before that we were in Corpus Christi for a school competition.  The weekend before that we were in Vegas to get Dexter.  The weekend before that we were in New York for my brother's memorial service (and then Dallas for softball).  The weekend before that we were in Weatherford for softball.  The weekend before that we were in Justin, TX for a school competition.  It has been exhausting:  I'm more physically and emotionally drained than I have been since the dark days following my cancer diagnosis.  Taking Dexter into our family somehow makes it all just a little bit ok.