Psalm 147:3
Such a lovely verse, but God I'm so damn sick of it.
On Friday, March 1, 2019, my big brother unexpectedly passed away. No warning, no explanation. One minute he was there, getting ready for work, and the next he was unresponsive on his bed.
It gets worse. Not even a week before, his wife unexpectedly passed away. No warning, no explanation.
We have no idea what happened.
I can't believe any of it. How do you make sense of it? He wasn't sick. He was healthy. He worked out. He was only 47 years old. His only medical issue was high blood pressure, and he was on medicine for that. What. The. Hell???????
I haven't played golf since I was diagnosed with cancer, but when I used to play, he was one of my favorite partners. I remember one visit he made to Abilene and we went out to play a round of golf. It was FREEZING and we used a cart. We complained and commiserated about the stupid wind and how cold it was, but then we had a hilarious shared moment when we had to let another golfer play through: it was a little old lady walking using a push cart for her clubs. There we were, half her age, and on a cart, and WE were holding up HER game. We laughed and laughed.
Darren knew how to make anything fun.
My brother was a popular guy. He had a lot of friends (a LOT), and they all loved him. He was the life of the party and never met a stranger. As much of an introvert as I am, he was the exact opposite. I work in an office with two other people, one of whom I'm married to. My brother was the ultimate salesman and was always striving to close the next deal. He wined and dined clients, traveled and attended conventions, and he truly believed in the companies he worked for. He never had kids and didn't even get married until well into his forties. I thrive in my roles as wife and mom. But as much as we were different, we had a sibling bond that I'm going to miss for the rest of my life.
My kids thought he was a rock star. "Uncle Darren" had the best house (in VEGAS!), the best video games, the best dog, and he adored his niece and nephew. I don't know how many times J & K have asked over the years "When are we going to see Uncle Darren again?" <Sigh> I wish now we had gone to visit more. Hindsight.
I have been a Dallas Cowboys fan all my life, and I'd say it's hard to find someone who loves them more than I do. But Darren did. He was a Dallas guy through and through. I don't think I ever saw him come through an airport on a visit without wearing a Dallas Cowboys shirt. Even though we lived far apart, we were able to hook up at a couple of Cowboys games in Dallas. This is one of my favorite pictures of us:
He loved sports (golf, hockey, baseball, and especially football), and Dallas was his team. We have a whole crew of friends we grew up with in New York who are all die-hard Cowboys fans. It's hard to imagine that group without him. How can we have fantasy football without Doomsday D?
Over the last few days I have gotten so many beautiful messages from family and friends - both mine and his. They all loved him, they are so sorry for my loss, and he was such an amazing guy who will be missed. All true.
We were born 17 months apart, so growing up we had our share of squabbles. He was the mean older brother and I was the bratty little sister. As we grew older, though, we learned to appreciate our differences and we truly became friends. He was still the older brother and I was still the little sister.... but we outgrew the squabbles and honesty LIKED each other.
He was so supportive of me after my d-day. There were many phone calls and texts from him saying how proud he was of me. This was one of his facebook posts when I was going through treatment:
I can honestly say that I am truly amazed every day at the bravery, courage, strength and grace you have shown during your dominating victory in your fight thus far. I know you'll have battles still left to fight - but that awful affliction never stood a chance against your strength. You've actually grown and become an even more amazing person than you were prior to getting the diagnosis - if that was possible! You've left your big brother completely astounded and proud beyond words with the way you've handled the past 12 months. I love ya little sis - you've shown everyone close to you or even remotely associated to you what it means to be courageous and graceful in the face of adversity. You have so many wonderful years ahead of you in life, and now you'll just treasure them that much more. I miss you guys - wish I was back in NY right now visiting mom and dad with you and the kids!! I may still hop on a plane Friday - we'll see... :) Either way enjoy the rest of your trip!! Love, D
The grief I'm feeling right now is gut-wrenching.
I am now an only child.
I will never again get a text from him commiserating about a Cowboys game. I will never again get a Snoopy birthday card from him. I will never again get flowers on Mother's day from him simply because he was proud of the mother I am to J & K. I will never again hear "Hey rule" when I pick up the phone. I will never again have the chance to complain that he always calls me on his way to work and then loses me at the same spot where there's no reception. I will never again get to share our love of good New York pizza, or Krause's chocolate. I will never again get funny videos of his dog Dexter. I will never have my big brother to lean on if something happens to one of our parents.
We were as different as two people could be, both in looks and personality. But we were the same, too. I said on Facebook:
Darren, you were my first playmate, my tormentor, my chauffer, my friend, and most of all...my big brother. Those are huge holes that will never be filled.
The blessings in my life shine a little dimmer knowing you are no longer in it.
I can't understand. I don't want to accept.
I just miss you.
Please pray for me. Pray for my mom. Pray for my dad. Pray for everyone who loved Darren. I wish everyone could have a big brother like him, and I wish with all my might that the last three days are a nightmare I could wake up from.
I love you D. Go Cowboys.
