Welcome to my world

I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister and a friend.
I've learned that who you have in your life matters more than what you have.
Thank you for stepping in to my world!

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1384

Cancer really is the gift that keeps on giving.

One of the complications that can arise from cancer treatment and surgeries is lymphedema.  I had over 25 lymph nodes removed during my mastectomy (that's a lot)..... basically all of the lymph nodes under my arm are gone.  That means my lymphatic system on that side is compromised, and the lymph fluid that keeps everything flushed out can build up.

I've been lucky.... in the three and a half years since that surgery, I've only had some minor incidents of swelling in my left arm.

My luck ran out.

Apparently working long hours in 100 degree heat for three days straight at the softball fields was too much for my poor compromised left arm to handle.  Even though I wore my sleeve, my forearm, wrist and hand have been swollen worse than ever.  I had to take my wedding rings off because they were cutting off the circulation on my finger.  Being unable to wear my rings makes me sad (just ask Hubby.... I almost cried when I had to take them off for surgery).

I now have elephant man hand.

Maybe I'm being a little dramatic, because looking at that picture, it's obvious but not horrible, right?  However, once you have small signs of lymphedema, you can easily fall down the slippery slope into more extreme cases.

"Hand lymphedema is more difficult to control than arm lymphedema. The hand’s irregular shape, its critical role in daily activities and the difficulty inherent in precisely fitting a gauntlet/glove all contribute to this problem. It is vital that early signs of hand lymphedema be taken seriously and that appropriate modifications are made to a patient’s lymphedema maintenance program."

I have an appointment on Monday with a lymphedema specialist and I hope he/she can help.  I was treated by a wonderful occupational therapist right after my surgeries, but she's in Dallas.  Since therapy often involves multiple sessions, I really needed someone local.  Fingers crossed.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1378

Sometimes I struggle.

I struggle with the physical changes cancer has given me.  I'm tired.  I hurt.  I don't look the same, I don't feel the same.  I take medicine to keep cancer away, but I hate the way it makes me feel.
-I need to remember that God created me to be me.  Michelle IS much more than just a name.

I struggle with feeling inadequate.  I've never been one of the "popular kids".  I'm a loner, a bookworm who shies away from attention.  People don't gravitate towards me.  I often feel like I want more from people than they want to give, and I feel like I want friendship with people more than they want it from me.
-I need to remember that there's nothing wrong with giving someone the best of me, even if they don't appreciate it.

I struggle with letting life overwhelm me.  Sometimes I feel like it's all I can do to keep my head above water, and I feel like the ones I love the most are the ones who suffer.  It feels like a lame excuse when I say I can't, or I'm tired, or I forget something important, when in reality it's just me trying to keep everyone happy while doing everything I'm supposed to be doing.
-I need to remember that I deserve special treatment, even from myself.

Sometimes I struggle with who I have become.  Surviving cancer is exhausting.  I'm grouchy and forgetful and short-tempered and easily annoyed.  I'm impatient, scatterbrained and lazy.  Sometimes it seems like the fun, giving, organized, capable Michelle is a thing of the past.  Sometimes even I don't like me.... so how can I expect others to?  
-I need to remember to give myself a break.  While one thousand three hundred seventy-eight days is a long time, in the grand scheme of fighting cancer, it's not.  I'm a toddler in terms of cancer survivorship, so I can forgive myself for not having it all figured out.

I don't put a whole lot of stock in horoscopes or zodiac signs..... but I like this.  I don't always believe all of it, but I want to look in the mirror and see all of these traits staring back at me.  

I know this post is different from what I usually write about.  I'm not here today to discuss a medical procedure, or post pictures of pink ribbons and talk about how every day is a gift.  Today I need to keep it real.....I love every day because every day since August 1, 2013 is a bonus day for me.  But just because I love every day doesn't mean every day is a good day.  

I need to remember that it's ok to have a pity party every now and then.  It's ok to have a bad day, to not want to do something, to forget to call someone back.  It's not the end of the world if I can't be all that I used to be.... or even all that I want to be.  All I can do is give my best, take care of myself, treat others how I'd like to be treated and live each day the best I can.  

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1377

If you have never watched college softball, you are missing out.  Hubby and I were fortunate enough to take K and her friend N to the NCAA Womens College World Series this year.  We spent five days in Oklahoma City in softball heaven.

We had tickets to every game (all ten sessions!), sat through unbearable heat, a downpour and some absolutely perfect softball weather.  We met some really fun fans, were able to see some of the Baylor players (the girls got autographs), and we experienced the longest championship game ever (17 innings!!!).

Every year we have watched this tournament on television and swear we are going to go next year.  I am so glad we finally did.  The facility, the fans, the atmosphere, the talent.....it's something special.

Pure coincidence was seeing some old friends who were in OKC playing softball!  E will always have a special place in my heart as one of the first Lady Diamonds (and a sweet, sweet friend to K).  If we could have ten #7s and ten families just like hers, we would have the perfect softball team.  
We were so happy to see them and were able to watch one of her games.

One of the special things they do every year at the WCWS is honor cancer survivors with a "Strike Out Cancer" night.  We discovered this when we received these rally towels as we walked in Monday night:

What I didn't know was that during the game, cancer survivors in attendance receive a t-shirt courtesy of the American Cancer Society and they are invited to go out on the field in between innings.  Standing in the outfield in the middle of so many fellow warriors, hearing the applause of 8,000 people and waving up at my family was like receiving the biggest hug possible.  I was surrounded by people who've never heard my name and don't know my story, but they celebrated the fact that I'm a survivor. 

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1374

For one thousand three hundred ninety-nine days, I have been a survivor.
(my blog counter started on chemo day, not d-day)

I have felt (and looked!) the worst I've ever felt, and I have been the most grateful I've ever been.
My hubby has seen sides of me I wish he never had to, and I've seen sides of him that I'm incredibly grateful for.
 I've had amazing doctors, top-notch care and the most extensive treatment I could have.
I've made friends that I never would have met, except we shared this same awful diagnosis.  They bless my life daily, and inspire me with their fight and their resilience.
I've learned to appreciate everything, because every birthday, every Christmas, every anniversary.... they are all bonuses.  

Today is the day the world celebrates cancer survivors.
That's me.

 🎗🎗Happy Survivors Day🎗🎗

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1369

Today is the day I celebrate my daughter.  

She is a free spirit with a heart of gold.  She's the friend I wish every girl could have and the daughter I never knew I would need so much.  She's her daddy's little girl and every teacher's pet.  She can be fierce on the mound in her softball uniform, and soft-hearted mush when holding a baby.  She loves animals, nature, singing, arts & crafts, cooking, math, reading and swimming.  She has her daddy's brown eyes and her mom's sensitive nature.

She is caring, loyal, creative, funny and genuine, and not a day goes by where I don't thank God for bringing her into my life 11 years ago.

Happy Birthday K.  The world is yours to conquer.  Stay fearless and never change who you are.

To my princess in cowgirl boots with flowers in your hair..... your zest for life never ceases to amaze me.  You are a champion for those in need and you march to the beat of your own drum.  Whether you are in cleats and a softball jersey or boots and a sparkly dress, you are beautiful, talented, compassionate, thoughtful and honest.  I'm so lucky that God chose you to be my lifelong friend. 💗