Kicking cancer's ass - day 192

Thinking back to about six months ago, I was faced with a tough decision.  I had tried using cold caps to save my hair, but unfortunately the chemo regimen I was on was very harsh and the caps didn't work.  I had an incredibly rough few days at the end of September when I decided to stop using the caps.  Accepting the fact that I was losing my hair was almost as devastating as getting the cancer diagnosis.  I was lucky that I had reached the point where my hair looked so horrible that it was almost a relief to shave it off.  Even though it has been months and months, I still miss my hair.  I think I miss my hair as much as I miss my healthy breasts.  I hated being bald.  I hate how slowly my hair is growing back.  I hate wearing wigs and hats every single day.  I hate that I'm too self-conscious to "go topless".  All of the makeup and jewelry in the world will not make me feel beautiful.  I can wear a shirt and feel comfortable and look normal.  I still don't feel comfortable in a wig, and I know I don't look "normal" in my little caps.

Now that my hair is growing back, I'm going to be faced with another decision:  when to ditch the wigs and hats.  I am very happy that my hair is coming back.  I take a picture every two weeks so I can actually SEE the progress.  I've even started going topless around the house.  Unfortunately, I don't know how much longer I'll have to wait until I feel comfortable with the hair I have.  I think I'm just going to have to reach the point where I dislike my wigs and hats more than my short, short hair.  And I must have a high tolerance for that dislike, because I am really, really sick of wearing something on my head every day.  I don't think I'm sick enough of it to show off my head of stubby brown/gray hair.  I may not be bald, but I don't look like me.  

I told Hubby today that even though I haven't had hair for a long, long time, it still surprises me every morning when I shower because I'll reach up to wash hair that isn't there.  Maybe it's like phantom pain when you lose a limb.... I have phantom hair.