One thing I've found myself struggling with is fear - fear of everyday aches and pains. BC (before cancer) I was a "wait and see" person. Even with my kids.... I'd usually take the laid back approach and see if it turned into something worse before I called the doctor. Stomach ache, fever, bad headache, sore elbow.... whatever... I rarely went to the doctor myself except for the dreaded annual "female doctor" appointment and didn't take any prescription medication except for headache meds. Now, though, every little thing makes me question myself. Should I call the doctor? And if so, which doctor do I call?
I never worried before if a headache might be because of a brain tumor. I never wondered before if digestive trouble was a sign of cancer building up in some hidden place inside me. I never before worried that my constantly watery left eye had something do with the cancerous lymph nodes on that side. Now I have to worry about blood clots from the Tamoxifen I take every day. I have to worry about getting cut or injured on my left arm because of lymphedema. I have to worry about my heart because the red devil chemo has been known to be toxic to the heart. As if I didn't have enough on my plate just worrying about cancer not being 100% gone???
All that being said, I do not live my life in fear. Do I have my dark moments? Of course I do. Anyone who says they don't is a liar. But when I say faith is my beacon of hope, I mean it. And I don't just mean faith in God, although I have that, too. I mean faith that I will be ok. Faith that I'm doing the best I can to be healthy. Faith that I'm doing everything I can to fight this stupid disease. Usually it's not good to take things for granted, but in this case, I'm going to take for granted that modern medicine and my fighting spirit have worked wonders and will keep the cancer away for a long, long time, if not forever.
K told me tonight that she really wished I didn't have cancer. Me too, baby girl, me too.
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