There is no part of cancer that doesn't suck, but one of the suckiest, sneakiest parts is the emotional toll it takes. Yes, my body has been through hell and I bear the scars from my journey so far. What you don't see, though, is the ragged, jagged mess inside my head and my heart. There is not a day that goes by where I'm not scared. Even when I feel good (which is most days lately), I'm very much aware of my own mortality. Cancer snuck up on me once, what's the say it won't again?
There is a balancing act that cancer patients must learn.... how to be vigilant and careful without obsessing over it and letting the fear get the best of you. Stress and worry can take over even if you try not to let them, and that can bleed over onto the people around you. I need to try harder to take care with the feelings of those close to me and not just my own. The world doesn't stop because I had cancer, and having cancer doesn't give me a free pass on being there for other people.
Today, as I was walking back to the house from the mailbox, I felt the sun shining on my face and saw the beautiful blue sky and I said aloud "Thank you God for allowing me to enjoy another day on this earth." I need to focus more on the beauty in my life and less on the things that bring me down, because if I'm down, then I'm bringing others down. I'd much rather spread joy.