Today I want to write about something personal. Not that any part of this ISN'T personal, but somehow it's easier to write about drains and scars and feeling sick than it is to open up about something you've done wrong. Nobody is perfect, especially me, but over the last week I've realized something. When you are diagnosed with cancer, you almost immediately turn your focus inward: on your feelings, your strength, your sickness. Everyone tells you that it's ok to be "selfish" and concentrate on taking care of yourself. That's all well and good, and probably great advice, until you take it too far.
I think I owe some people in my life an apology, most especially Hubby. I won't lay it all out, but let's just say we never (really, never!) fight, and last weekend....we fought. Can I just say that I am very much NOT a fan of Hubby not speaking to me?? Anyway, after eventually talking some things out, I realized how UN-focused I've been on him. Aside from me, this whole thing has been hardest on him and he's done nothing but stand by my side every single day - no complaints, no argument, nothing. It makes me incredibly sad to realize how one-sided our marriage has been. Yes, I have had many, many physical and emotional needs since d-day, but that doesn't give me an excuse to stop nurturing the relationships with the people closest to me.
Hubby - you are my rock. I could not have done one single day of this fight without you by my side and I'm so sorry that I've been more of a cancer patient than a wife. I love you more and appreciate you more now than I ever have. I know you aren't a "let's talk about our feelings" kind of guy, but please talk to me when I need a wake up call, ok?
The same goes to my kids, my family and my friends. Cancer is overwhelming and inconvenient and devastating to the patient, but it's also all of those things to the people who love that patient, and I'm sorry that some days I don't remember that. Needing people doesn't give me an excuse to not be there for those who need me, and I promise to do my best to nurture instead of neglect.
I am surrounded by the most amazing people who love me and help me in ways big and small. I will never be able to properly show how much your support means to me every day, through every step of this journey, but I will say thank you.