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I've learned that who you have in your life matters more than what you have.
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Friday, May 2, 2014

Kicking cancer's ass - day 247

You know what that means?  Two whole days without radiation!  Hallelujah.

Radiation fatigue has hit.  Big time.
(Or it could be that I'm going down for the count with germs from Hubby who has bronchitis and walking pneumonia, but I hope not!)
I am so tired.  Weary.  Worn out.  Bushed.  Exhausted.  Drowsy.  Spent.  Drained.  Whatever you want to call it, that's how I feel.  I took a two hour nap yesterday, woke up tired and still went to bed at my normal time.  I was on the go all morning today but now at 3pm I feel like I've hit a wall.  Forget toothpicks for my eyelids, I might need super glue to keep my eyes open for the next three weeks!

I was telling Hubby at lunch today that I'm really just over radiation.  You'd think having completed nineteen treatments that I'd be used to it and it'd just be routine for me, when in fact it's getting worse.  I wasn't nervous before I started radiation (even though I had no clue what I was going in to) and the first treatment didn't bother me at all.  Neither did the second.  Or the third.  Or even the tenth.  But almost four weeks into it?  Yeah, I'm bothered.  I'm sick and tired of having to go there every weekday at 9:45am.  I'm sick and tired of putting that stupid gown on backwards.  I'm sick and tired of laying on that cold table in that cold room by myself and just waiting for the machine to start its beeping.  The radiation machine goes through seven different positions around me (to zap from all angles I guess) and I could tell you how many seconds each position lasts.  Every day after they line me up the tech says, "Here we go" and I say "Ok".  Then after the last beeping quits, I wait to hear the door open.  Same thing every day.  And yet it bothers me more and more.  Today I just wanted to jump up and say "I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!!"  I practically leap off of the table as soon as they unstrap me (they strap my feet together so I don't move).  

The radiation techs are very nice and efficient - I'm usually in and out of there in under twenty minutes.  That's not the point.  I just don't want to do it any more.  I don't want to be dog-tired every afternoon.  I don't want to have to slather cream on my skin several times a day in hopes of avoiding radiation burn.  I don't want to go to the cancer center every day where nobody talks and all there is is elderly people with their walkers, wheelchairs and oxygen tanks.  It's depressing, it's frustrating and I want to be DONE!
(For the record, I have nothing against elderly people, walkers, wheelchairs or oxygen tanks - I'm just tired of it all and that's part of my rant - how I don't fit in there and it makes it so much worse going every day.)

Radiation may be a walk in the park compared to chemo and surgery, but it's no picnic and I'm not enjoying myself one bit.  However, every day when I'm there and I'm hating being there, I remind myself that every beep is a zap to any stupid cancer cells brave enough to still be sticking around.  Since I want them gone, I'll endure.  But I don't have to like it.

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