I just walked by my refrigerator where a picture of Allyson hangs. I hate that she had to have even one night like this, but man, I sure miss reading her Insomniac Blogging posts.
Do you ever feel lonely, even though you're rarely alone? I'm a solitary person. I'm better with just a few people than in a group. I hate being the center of attention. I'm a watcher, not a doer. I have a husband I love, children I adore. I have friends, good friends, who like me. I am surrounded by people who care about me. And yet here I sit, at the computer in the wee hours of the morning, because I can't sleep, and all I can think about is how alone I feel.
Is this what cancer does to a person? The physical scars and emotional trauma aren't enough... now I can add this to the mix? I'm not depressed. Stressed and exhausted? Yes. Sad or anxious? No. And even if I was, I take a happy pill for that.
Why can't I sleep? Is it the stress I've been under lately because of my dad? Is it because my body was surgically thrown into menopause? Can I blame it on one of the medications I take? Or is it just bad luck?
Why do I feel so alone? I know being a cancer patient is isolating: nobody "gets it" unless they actually walk in your shoes. But my best friend has walked in my shoes. I have two wonderful support groups full of women who have walked in my shoes. It's not that I don't have anyone in my life who can relate to all of this. Is it because being the focus of everyone's attention for a year has made me self-centered? Do I miss the attention that I never wanted in the first place?
I think day 386 is a weird place to be. D-day was over a year ago. I finished active treatment months ago, so technically I've come out on the other side of this mess. Everything is still so new to me, though, that I don't feel past it. I may not spend every other day at the cancer center or drive to Dallas every week for appointments, but having cancer still pretty much consumes me sometimes. I'm guessing there will come a day when it doesn't. I hope.
What would Allyson Hendrickson say?
Well, friend....cancer sucks. That's all there is to it! It sucks! You will sleep again. Maybe not tonight, but you will. And you are NOT alone.
Just because I miss her, I can't sleep and I need a smile at 1am, here's a Throwback Thursday picture...my girl and her BFF - the epitome of togetherness: