Silence is what fills the many, many hours I spend in waiting rooms and doctor's offices during the dozens of appointments I must go to. Yesterday I had an ultrasound to check out my ovaries and other female parts. As I lay there on the little table while the radiology tech did her thing, I stared at the ceiling and listened to the silence. I wished for some kind words.... or some soft music.... and I really wished I had asked for my hubby to come in with me. He was in the waiting room (of course, because he refuses to have me face any part of this journey on my own), but I really wanted him WITH ME. Even though it was a minor test, and I wasn't having any problems with that part of my anatomy, I felt really lonely in that room undergoing yet another procedure that I wouldn't have to do if I didn't have cancer.
I really could just repeat that same paragraph today. Even though the waiting room wasn't silent, and the ultrasound tech was very chatty, I still felt very, very lonely during my ultrasound. After everything I've been through, I don't have a clue why this one procedure bothers me so much. Given the fact that numerous doctors, nurses and techs have seen my naked body over the last year, it's a little weird that laying under a sheet and having this scan makes me really uncomfortable.
I've given birth twice, and we all know modesty goes out the window with that, so I don't think that's it. Between those two pregnancies and the two that ended in miscarriage, I'd need both hands to count how many ultrasounds I've had in the last fifteen years. Instead of laying there watching the screen and waiting to see the little flashing heartbeat of a baby, I have to lay there, staring at the ceiling tiles while wondering what they are seeing. Does everything look normal? Is she taking so long because she found something? Or is she just very thorough? It felt very thorough. (In case you don't know, part of this kind of ultrasound is....er....internal. TMI - I know. Sorry.)
Since I'm having surgery in a few weeks to remove those female parts that were scanned today, I doubt I will have to undergo this particular procedure again. But if I do, I am going to try to remember to ask if Hubby can come in with me. I'm sure it's on his top ten list of things he doesn't want to do, but he'd be present if I asked. That's my silver lining for today - he's my rock, and he'd do anything for me.
I'm also going to suggest they paint something pretty on the ceiling.