Kicking cancer's ass - day 1951

"I was born with a reading list I will never finish."

~Maud Casey

My cancer diagnosis changed so many things about me, including my ability to enjoy books.  For several years, with my time being consumed by being sick and exhausted from doctor appointments, treatment and surgeries, I just didn't have the energy to read a book.  Even after life returned into my new normal I had a hard time concentrating.  Chemo brain is real, folks.

This is the first year that I've been able to take the time to enjoy books again.  Right before Christmas I realized I had read 96 books, and I told Hubby I wanted to make it to 100.  Needless to say, for the past ten days I have been a reading machine.  Not only did I reach that goal, but I surpassed it!  I'm currently at 104 books with two days left in the year to still read.  😀

My reading stats on Goodreads clearly show when I was mired down in cancer world.  While I'm not even at fifty percent of the books I read at my busiest in 2009, I'm clearly on my way back to being a voracious reader.....a fact that makes me happy, but Hubby not so much!  ha ha

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1945

 

I'm a little baffled by the fact that I'm almost at two THOUSAND days of kicking cancer's ass.  That is the ultimate Christmas miracle and there isn't a single day that I take it for granted.

This is my sixth Christmas since I was diagnosed with cancer.  Five years ago I was recovering from 16 weeks of chemo.  Four years ago I was recovering from reconstruction surgery.  Three years ago I was recovering from yet another surgery.  Two years ago Hubby was recovering from neck surgery.  Last year was probably the most uneventful Christmas we'd had in a long time.... until this year.

Life is.... pretty much normal.  We are busy.  The kids have a ton of activities.  Hubby and I are busy at work.  We watch football.  I read books.  He watches murder mysteries.  We go out to eat and spend time with friends and complain about how tired we are.  It.Is.FANTASTIC.

This was the first time in years that we didn't go to church for Christmas Eve.  I miss it, but I am truly enjoying our family weekend. 

Yesterday I cooked a ham dinner for the Burleson family Christmas, with Hubby's dad, brother, sister-in-law and nephew.  Last night we brought K back out to hang out with her friend P, and we stayed and visited for a while.  Lots of stories, lots of laughs.

Today, as we always do, we celebrated a Norwegian Little Christmas by opening our stockings this morning.  We visited the cemetary to bring flowers to Hubby's mom (today is her birthday) and his brother.

Our friends invited our family to join theirs for Christmas Eve dinner at Bonzai (Japanese hibachi).  Then we went to look at Christmas lights downtown before coming home to open new Christmas pjs.

There is nothing glamorous about my life and I am perfectly happy with that.  I'm looking forward to a quiet, cozy Christmas Eve at home, and more of the same for Christmas day.

I'm so grateful to be here, alive and well, one thousand nine hundred and forty days after that awful day.  I hope everyone fighting the beast is able to take one day to celebrate life.... their life and the birth of Jesus.  Life isn't always easy, but it is worth it. 

Every day is a gift.  Merry Christmas to everyone I love.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1903

"No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove his fur from your couch."
-Leo Dworken

What texture are you grateful for?

I'm grateful for the softness of a cat's fur. 

I have always been a cat person.  Maybe because I'm a little bit of an independent loner so I can relate to them.  ha ha  I also love a good back rub. 

I loved my cats.  Pumpkin and Shadow were the sweetest, most loyal cats ever (unless you ask my Hubby!).  I'll never forget the day Shadow died.  I knew she was going to the vet and not coming back, so I sat all morning with her on my lap and I just kept petting her.  That feeling of stroking her frail little body will forever be with me.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1902

“Peace has victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

What holiday are you grateful for?

I am grateful for today - Veterans Day.

I'm proud to live in the land of the free and the home of the brave.

I'm proud of my dad, an immigrant who served our country in Viet Nam and then became a United States citizen.

I'm proud of my stepson who served in the army, including a year in Korea.

I'm proud of my friend's husbands who have dedicated their lives to serving our country.

I'm proud to be an American.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1901

"He stared at his hot chocolate like it held the secret to the universe."
— Lilith Saintcrow

What taste are you grateful for today?

Considering I spent 16 hours at the softball fields in frigid weather (it was 33 degrees when I got there this morning), I am incredibly grateful for the taste of hot chocolate.

Not only is it delicious, it warms you up from the inside like a hug.

Apparently a lot of people feel the same way.....we sold 500 cups of hot chocolate at the concession stand!

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1900

"America is another name for opportunity."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

What place are you grateful for?

I'm grateful for this wonderfully diverse, beautifully scenic country that I live in.

America is not without its problems.
We are a nation divided by politics, by race, by finances, by just about everything.  We have homeless veterans and abused children and mass shootings.

But those problems are everywhere.  No nation is immune to the ugliness of human nature.

What makes America the incredible country that it is is the pride and patriotism of its people.  Go to any small town on July 4th and you will be overwhelmed with red, white and blue.  Play "God Bless the USA" and I dare you not to sing along.  Watch our nation come together when a natural disaster befalls our people..... or any other country.

Americans are great.  As Willie Nelson said, "To me,  America is freedom".

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1899

“A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies . . . The man who never reads lives only one.”
– George R.R. Martin

What book are you most grateful for?

I'm just grateful for books.  Plural. 
Reading brings me joy. 

For a long time I wasn't able to read as much as I used to.  The devastation cancer brings to your life is so overwhelming, it's hard to find pleasure in anything.  Add in chemo brain which makes it very difficult to concentrate, and reading goes by the wayside.

I'm happy to say that I am back to my book devouring phase.  I have read almost one hundred books this year, and 25 of them were 5 star reads.  That makes for one happy book lover!

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1898

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."
~Helen Keller

What memory are you grateful for?

I am grateful for each and every one of the memories I shared with my BFF.  Even now, nine months after her passing, I have a hard time believing she's gone.  I often pick up the phone to text her, or share something with her on Facebook. 

I miss my Trudester.

The one memory I am most grateful for is the one pictured below.  It was a last minute decision and a physically and emotionally draining trip, but I am SO GLAD that I went to see her before she died.  Those few days with her are so precious to me.  Seeing firsthand that she was at peace sets my mind at ease.  Having her sing Happy Birthday to me touches my heart.

Never in a million years did I think when we met in seventh grade that she and I would share this awful journey of cancer.  We shared a lot.. almost everything.... but I never would have wanted this for either of us. 

The quote above is true.  She walked in darkness, and I walked in darkness.  But we did it together.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1897

If there's a heaven for me, I'm sure it has a beach attached to it.      
~Jimmy Buffett

What in nature are you grateful for?

I'm with Jimmy..... my happy place is by the ocean.  I don't care if it's freezing on a beach in Maine, soaking up the sun along the south Atlantic or strolling along the rainy coast in the Pacific Northwest (not that I've ever done that, but I'm sure I'd love it).....

I love the ocean.  I love the sounds of the waves.  I love the shells and the sparkling sand and boats and lighthouses.  I'm not crazy about sand in my bathing suit, but you take the good with the bad.

There is no place more soothing to me in nature than the beach.  I'm grateful for all of the vacations I've had at the ocean.  Cape Cod, Maine, New Hampshire, Florida, South Carolina, Maryland, Delaware, Rhode Island, North Carolina, Virginia, Georgia... pick a place along the east coast and I've probably been there.

Unfortunately I live in the middle of west Texas...... no ocean here.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1896

“Without music, life would be a mistake”
― Friedrich Nietzsche.

What sound are you grateful for today?

This is so easy.  Music. 

I love blaring country music in my car.
I love concerts.
I love listening to music while I fall asleep.
I love the fact that my children love to make music in band.
I love the Pure Gold marching band performing "It Is Well"

I just love music, in all its various shapes and forms.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1895

“Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.”
-Ernestine Ulmer

What food are you most grateful for?

Dessert. 
There.  I said it.
Yes it's bad for you.  Yes it's partly why I have twenty (or maybe thirty or forty) extra pounds on my frame.

I.Don't.Care.

I have a sweet tooth.  My husband has a sweet tooth.  My children have even bigger ones.

Sugar is my weakness, and I'm not afraid to admit it. 
It makes you fat.  It can cause cancer (so they say).  It can rot your teeth.

Blah. Blah. Blah.

You know what?  Giving in to my sweet tooth cravings makes me happy.  A piece of chocolate, a popsicle, gummy bears, cupcakes, muffins, Reese's peanut butter cups (is there a more perfect candy???).....I'm not too picky.

But if I had to narrow it down, there are two simple answers.  Apple pie and brownies. 

Because YUM.

I need to go bake something now.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1894

"Brown eyes are just brown eyes, until you love someone with brown eyes."

What color are you grateful for?

This is easy:  brown.  Not only is it a lovely earth tone, rich and warm, it is the eye color of my three favorite people. 

I'm the oddball in our family with green eyes.  Even though K's are lighter, both of our children inherited Hubby's beautiful brown eyes. 

Know what else is brown?  CHOCOLATE!

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1893

Stop now. Enjoy the moment. It’s now or never.
~Maxime Lagacé 

What technology are you grateful for?

I probably write almost this same exact post every year, but for me the answer is simple:  the internet.

My life would be vastly different without the internet. 
Without the internet:

~I would never have met my husband. 💗
~I would never have met my "online" friends.... the ones who shared the joys of pregnancy with me, the challenges of motherhood with me and the ones who have helped me survive breast cancer.  💛
~I would not find it as easy to keep in touch with family and friends I don't get to see often.  💚
~I would not see my UPS driver every day  😄
~I would not have this amazing outlet to share my words.

I can't imagine a life without the chat room (remember those) where I met my hubby over eighteen years ago.
I can't imagine a life without my Babycenter friends, without my Bellas and without my KCA sisters.
I can't imagine going through breast cancer without the unlimited knowledge available online at my fingertips.
I can't imagine a world without the convenience of online banking, online shopping, online travel sites, etc.
I can't imagine trying to help my children through thirteen years of school without Google. 

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1892

In all things, give thanks.
    ~1 Thessalonians 5:18

Today is November first, which brings my annual 30 days of gratitude posts.

What smell are you grateful for today?

I wouldn't say I'm "grateful" for any certain smell very often.  Of course there are good smells (bacon, coffee, popcorn, Christmas trees) and there are bad smells (skunk, dead anything, rotten anything).  What smell stands out to me today?

Spaghetti and meatballs.

Because it's delicious?  Yes.  But more, because it means I cooked.  Preparing a meal for my family is something I like to do and wish I did more often.... but busy schedules and low energy often stand in my way. 

Five years ago the idea of cooking a meal (while going through chemo) was a pipe dream. 

Walking in the door tonight with the smell of spaghetii sauce on the stove reminds me that I'm still here, I'm still me, and I'm still loving taking care of my family. 

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1882

Yesterday I posted 10 things I wish everyone knew about lymphedema.  How much of it did you know?
Today I would like to share 10 ways my loved ones can help and support me (or anyone dealing with lymphedema).

1. Lymphedema is very overwhelming to me.  My automatic response to anything is to over-research whatever it is.... so I understand a lot about this disease.  That doesn't make it easier to deal with the realities of living with it.  So if I downplay it, I'm not making light of my condition.  I'm trying to make you - and me - feel better about it.
2. My arm is painful sometimes and uncomfortable all of the time.  Often the simple, everyday things are more difficult for me.  Drying my hair, washing dishes, typing, even driving.  I can still do most things.... but it takes more time and effort on my part.  You know how it's more difficult for an overweight person to do things because they are carrying a lot more weight?  It's the same concept.... it's more difficult for me to do certain things because my arm is often sore and it's heavier than the other (especially when it's wrapped!).
3. Could I stand to lose a few (or thirty) pounds?  Sure.  Would that help my lymphedema?  Not really.  My left arm is significantly larger than my right.... but it's not fat that will go away with diet or exercise.  In fact I have to be careful with what exercises I do so I don't aggravate it.
4. Lymphedema has made me VERY self-conscious of my arm.  I do not wear sleeveless shirts.  I don't even like most short-sleeve shirts.  I have to wear loose-fitting long sleeve shirts so the sleeve isn't too tight.  I can't wear my wedding rings on my left hand.  I can't even see my knuckles on that hand.  Wearing compression garments hides the puffiness, but the bandages make it obvious something is wrong with my arm.
5. Wearing compression garments for lymphedema is exhausting.  Have you ever tried to pull on spanx?  Try that on your arm (wrist to shoulder) and then a skin-tight glove.  And that's the easy way out.  Full compression involves a stockingette, wrapping a layer of cotton around my arm, then four different ace bandages.  If I don't wear my glove, then I also have to add in long rolls of gauze that wrap around my fingers.  Wrapping takes forever.  Unwrapping isn't much better, and then I have to roll everything back up so it'll be ready for the next use.  
6. Right now I'm going through a low period because of my lympedema.  I'm just SICK OF IT.  Most of the time I can shrug it off.... I mean, I can't change it and complaining doesn't make it better, right?  But sometimes it is just.... difficult.
7. My "off the rack" compression sleeves cost $80 each.  I have two of them.
   My "off the rack" glove cost $125.
   My custom sleeve and glove (which are supposedly better) cost over $300 - after insurance.
   Those garments are supposed to be replaced every six months.
   My Flexitouch pump is costing me $36 a month for three years - after insurance.
   The supplies for bandaging - cotton padding, stockinettes, gauze, ace bandages, tape.... all of that is out of pocket for me.
8. That might sound ridiculous to you, but it's true.  It takes me 15-20 minutes to wrap my arm in the morning.  It takes about that to unwrap, and then roll up the bandages.  If I use my pump, that takes an hour every day.  All of this doesn't include the exercises and self-massage that I am supposed to be doing to help manually move the lymphatic fluid.  
9. I wouldn't say that dealing with lymphedema instills the fear of recurrence.  The thought of breast cancer returning is never far from my mind.  I do often feel guilty complaining about dealing with lymphedema when others have it worse, and considering I have faced much worse.  But it is what it is.
10. My story isn't unusual.  The more lymph nodes removed, the greater the risk of lymphedema.  I had 24 nodes removed, so it's not a surprise that this happened.  What's unlikely is that it didn't show up until several YEARS after my surgery.

I'm having surgery in a few months which will hopefully improve my lymphedema.  It's not a cure, but I hope it helps.  The surgery isn't very intrusive, but the recovery doesn't sound very fun.

In the meantime, I need to do better about bandaging my arm.  That works much better to reduce the swelling than simply wearing my sleeve and glove.  But it's a pain, and very time-consuming, and I'm lazy!

I need to get back to using my pump every night.  It's a hassle, but it helps and I'm paying for it regardless, so I might as well!

Now you know some of the reality of my every day life with lymphedema.  

I didn't post all of this to get sympathy.  I know it could be worse.  Others DO have it worse.  In the grand scheme of things, lymphedema is annoying, uncomfortable, expensive and frustrating... but not scary or life-threatening.  Once my pity party is over, I'll put my big girl panties on and carry on!  

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1881

I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record, writing about lymphedema, but that's the thing with a chronic disease.... it doesn't ever go away.  The swelling is always there, my arm never feels "normal", and wearing compression garments is a necessity every day.

If you only knew how uncomfortable it is...
If you only knew how self-conscious it makes me...
If you only knew how frustrating it is...
If you only knew how expensive it is to manage...
If you only knew how many times I am asked "what's wrong with your arm?"...

I belong to a lymphedema support group on Facebook and I'm going to share part of a post that echoes how I feel on a daily basis:

Okay what motivates you to keep going and never give up. Some days I’m good. Other days I am just so flippin’ tired of this. I don’t have the energy to pump and massage and dry brush and lotion and wrap and it’s just too much!!! Feeling very defeated this week! I am in pain 24/7. 

My family is supportive but no one completely understands the challenges/struggles both mentally and physically (except all of you). Ugh! Gotta get out of this funk...

I had never even heard of lymphedema until my BFF developed it after one of her surgeries.  Most people who ask me about my arm have never heard of it, and I get a blank look when I try to explain.  I've resorted to giving a simplified answer such as "I had surgery and now my arm swells".    My compression garments are supposed to be worn every single day.  I should be bandaging (which involves layers of padding and ace bandages), but most of the time I just wear my sleeve and glove.  Those are supposed be replaced every 4-6 months.  My custom garments cost over $300.  The pump that I have was over $900 (after insurance).  I don't use it every day like I'm supposed to because a) it's a hassle putting it on and taking it off and b) it takes an HOUR to go through the entire programmed cycle.  There is exactly ONE lymphedema specialist in Abilene.

I found a web site that posted these "10 things I wish people knew" about lymphedema.  These are exactly the things I wish everyone knew about lymphedema.   It's not life-threatening and the stage of my lymphedema is not as severe as others.....but it *is* a struggle every single day.  

Lymphedema takes a toll.... physically, emotionally, financially.  There is no cure, so the best I can do is try to manage it and hope it doesn't get worse.  Making the best of it gets old sometimes.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1875

 

 October 15, 2001..... seventeen years ago today I married my best friend.  It was just me and him at the courthouse.... no fancy dress, no flowers, not even a photo.  Hubby and I have proved that the marriage is so much more important than the wedding.  💗

As with all couples, we have seen our share of ups and downs.  We've celebrated births and we've comforted each other through losses.  In sickness and in health, in good times and bad, through it all, my husband has been my biggest supporter, my shoulder to cry on, the one who makes me laugh (and the one who picks on me!)....the one constant in a life that is forever changing.

We may not be perfect, but we are perfect for each other.
Thank you for loving me no matter what.

Happy 17th Anniversary.  I love you.  💑

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October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
(http://www.october15th.com/)

I don't talk about it a lot, but way before breast cancer, I was a statistic.  I was 1 in 4.

Both of my children are what they call "rainbow babies"..... babies conceived after a loss.  One month after my first miscarriage I became pregnant with J.  Six months after my second miscarriage I became pregnant with K.  I can't imagine life without the two greatest joys in my world, but there's a part of my heart that will always hurt for the two babies who never got to be.

If you are 1 in 4.... I feel your pain.  I've been there, I never wanted to be there, but there is hope after loss.










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October 15 is also a special day for another reason...... it's Allyson Hendrickson's birthday!
Allyson has been in heaven for four years, but she is never far from my thoughts.
Allyson, on top of celebrating my love for my husband, today I celebrate you.  You came into my life when I was desperate for a "mommy" friend, and you stayed through the worst time I could ever imagine.  You made me laugh, you made life fun, and my world is not the same without you in it.

Happy Birthday in heaven, my friend.   You were one in a million.