Kicking cancer's ass - day 1677

It has been almost two months since I lost my BFF.
The grief is always there.... sometimes quietly under the surface, and sometimes it hits like a tidal wave.  Today Hubby and I had a movie date.  We went to see I Can Only Imagine.

I'm very familiar with that song, but I had no idea that one of the members of Mercy Me had written it.  The movie was excellent.... very intense and emotional.  Toward the end of the movie, there's a very touching scene where "Bart Millard" sings his song in public for the very first time.

I cried.  I cried because it is a beautiful song.  I cried because it was a beautiful moment in the movie.  And I cried because one of those tidal waves of grief hit me in that moment.

I know Trudy is in a better place.  I know her body has been healed.  I know she is watching over us from heaven.  But I miss her, dammit.

For so long, I prayed for strength and healing for Trudy.  She's healed... 100% healed... in heaven.  I still pray for Trudy, but my prayer is different.  I pray that she can show me the way when I feel lost.  I pray that she can give me hope when I need it.  I pray that her light always shines down on those of us who loved her.

Trudy grew so much in her faith over the last few years.  I know.... I KNOW.... that she is happy and at peace in the arms of our Lord.  I know that she was ready to go home.  I can only imagine how content she must be..... free of sickness and pain, surrounded by God's glory.

I can only imagine what it will be like

When I walk, by your side

I can only imagine what my eyes will see

When you face is before me

I can only imagine

I can only imagine

Surrounded by You glory

What will my heart feel

Will I dance for you Jesus

Or in awe of You be still

Will I stand in your presence

Or to my knees will I fall

Will I sing hallelujah

Will I be able to speak at all

I can only imagine

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1639

I'm sitting here late at night, everyone else in their rooms asleep, as is often the case.  I'm watching womens hockey.  I'm not really a hockey fan.  I'm really not really a womens hockey fan. 

But.  It's.  The.  Olympics!

Gold medal game between Team USA and Canada.  Whether you love hockey or not, that's exciting!

I love watching the Olympics.  Not only because I love sports and these games are the best of the best in each sport.  I love everything about them..... the locations, the history, the athlete's stories.

Some of the sports I have zero interest in.  Curling, for one.  I just don't get it.  At all.  Most of the skiing events are kind of boring to me.  (Moguls just look painful)  Watching figure skating is my favorite.   Always has been.  I love watching speed skating.  I love the bobsled (those quads!!!!).  During these two weeks every four years, I become a fan of ski jumping, biathlon, snowboarding and a dozen other sports that I otherwise never ever watch.

You can't tell me you're a true American if you were not screaming and cheering when Shaun White came from behind to win his third gold medal in the half pipe.  What a truly amazing moment for him, and for Team USA.

I love the traditions of the Olympics.  I love how not only are the athletes competing against each other, but they are often competing with themselves.... to better themselves.  The Canadian ice dancers...... flawless once again.  The mens bobsled gold medal competition ended in a tie.  Yes, a tie.  In a sport where time is measured in hundredths of a second..... through four different runs, two teams ended up with the exact same time.  Craziness.

There are hundreds of storylines during the Olympics.... some sad moments, a lot of victorious moments.  People crash on the mountainside.  People fall on the ice.  People get hurt.  People live up to their potential.  They kick ass and take names, reaching the pinnacle of their sport, allowing the world to cheer them on.  These athletes jump dozens of meters in the air, landing on 3" white skis.  They speed down a mountain faster than I drive in my car (and I drive fast).  They hold each other upside down while spinning on the ice.  They defy the odds time and again, and the world cheers for them.

The Olympics bring out the ultra-patriotic athlete in all of us, and I'm always sad when they are over.

Go Team USA!

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1637

Today was the second Monday in a row that I didn't go to work. 

Normally that would be cause for celebration. 
Last Monday I was recuperating from flying to the east coast for the second time in two weeks, and being away from home for 7 out of 11 days. 

This morning I stayed home because I was sick.  I'm not running a fever, so I don't think it's anything serious.  Given my medical history over the last five years, though, it doesn't take something serious to knock me flat for several days. 

Even before my cancer diagnosis I was dealing with a compromised immune system.  About a year before d-day I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease, as well as Epstein-Barr virus (the virus that causes mono).  Both of those are basically a "once you've had it, you're stuck with it" kind of thing.  Even though I don't have active symptoms of either one anymore, it takes a lot of effort for my system to fight anything off.

Yesterday was a couch day (for all of us, not just me!).  I read, I had chicken soup for lunch, and we watched the Olympics all day.  All of that resting didn't help me bounce back.  I woke up this morning with the same headache, the same sore throat, the same worn out feeling.

Thankfully I am blessed with a boss who happens to be my husband, and he is very understanding about my limitations.  I had brought work home with me last week, so I was able to accomplish something today besides keeping my electric blanket company. 

It's so frustrating that something as ordinary as a cold can knock me flat and make me feel like I have to climb a mountain to bounce back.

Last night, in the middle of the night, I was hit with a wave of grief so sharp I couldn't sleep.  It has been fifteen days since my bestie became an angel in heaven.  It has been nine days since she was laid to rest.  I don't know what set me off last night, but the reality that I'll never see her, never talk to her, never laugh with her again hit, and it hit hard.

I can vividly recall every moment I spent with her during her final days.  I remember everything I said to her, and everything she said to me.  I remember what her hair looked like (dark!) and what her hand felt like in mine.  I remember hating cancer so much, every single minute I was there.

Trudy has not been a part of my every day life for a long time.  Decades.  There were years we didn't even see each other once.  There were months we didn't even talk once.  But she was always, always there.  Just a phone call away.  Just a text away. 

I have a thousand different wonderful memories with Trudy.  She's in heaven, and all I have are those memories.

I have so much love for her, with nowhere for it to go.
It breaks my heart. 

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1634

Two weeks ago today I was in Virginia, about to say my final goodbye to my friend.
We smiled, we laughed, I cried.  I hugged her one last time, and then as I left, I felt the grief hit me.
I honestly don't even remember the drive to the airport, or my flights home.  It's all a blur.

One week ago today I was in New York, getting ready to attend the memorial service the next day.

The grief was still with me, still sharp.... but dulled a little bit because I was back "home" and with my mom.  I don't care if you are a toddler or a grandmother - there is nothing like a mother's love.  

I got in a quick visit with my dad (who was doing really well!) and got my fill of New York pizza.

At Trudy's memorial service, I stepped way out of my comfort zone.  I knew in my heart that I wanted to say something to honor her, and our friendship.  I just didn't know if I could do it.  

I did.  

Teary-eyed from her husband's eulogy, I stood up and gave my own.  In front of a lot (a LOT!) of people (Trudy was something special) - people I didn't know, friends I haven't seen in decades, family I've known most of my life - I spoke from the heart and thanked Trudy for a friendship that nourished and refreshed my soul.

I met Trudy on the first day of junior high.  We were instant friends, inseparable from that day on.  I have so many memories that Trudy was a part of.... passing notes in school, sleepovers, trips to the mall, Friday night roller skating, cruising in her mom's blue Camaro, going to baseball games with her dad and Uncle Joe, so many different concerts over the years.  We went on beach vacations with each other’s families.  We even got our first jobs (at the same store) on the same day when we were 16.   We were at each other’s houses more than we were at our own.  We celebrated marriages (and I don’t care what Rich Sperl says, I take the credit for getting Trudy and Todd together!)

We celebrated babies.   Being a wife and mom was all she ever wanted to do.  I’m so blessed that even though life took us in different directions, we ended up back in some of the same places, too.  I only lived a few hours from her when she had Zachary.  Two years later they were stationed in Abilene when I had my son.  I went to San Antonio to be with Zac when Jenna was born, and Trudy came to visit me the next year when I had my baby girl.  

I've never used the term "best friend" regarding anyone except Trudy.  We may have lived far apart, but she was never far from my heart.  A few years ago Trudy gave me this necklace I’m wearing.  It says “Wherever you are, it’s your friends that make your world.”  Trudy’s friendship has made my world for most of my life.  She's the Thelma to my Louise.  We've shared love and heartache, fun and excitement, laughter and tears.  We even fought cancer together.

The name Trudy means "universal strength".  That’s so fitting.  Trudy is my hero.  She showed me the way when I had to walk in her shoes.  She never complained, she was never dramatic.... she’d just take what life threw at her and then move on.  She was the strongest, sweetest, funniest friend with the most beautiful heart.

Trudy left us far too soon, but hers was a life well lived.  This is a celebration of that life.  Military wife, school volunteer, Girl Scout cookie mom, swim team mom, walking partner, listening ear…. Whatever hat she wore, she was always the same amazing girl who was my best friend for 33 years.  Trudy was someone you could count on, and she was always up for anything.  So many things about her deserve to be celebrated:  her strength, her compassion, her loyalty, her fun-loving spirit, her faith, her love of family.  Sometimes you don’t realize how the little things in your life may impact someone else.  I will never think of Pepsi, Jolly Cow, popcorn at Target, Disney, road trips, scary movies, Carvel ice cream cakes, chocolate cake at Denny's, Ocean Isle Beach or the movie Top Gun without thinking of Trudy.  The 4th of July in Saugerties will never be the same for me, and I promise to toast her at Pizza Star every summer.   

I went to visit Trudy in Virginia last week.  It was my honor to spend some of her last days with her.  Late one night while I sat there watching her sleep, I made a promise to her.  The only way I could think to honor her was by doing what she did…..so I promised to live a life well lived.  I promised to make the most of every moment, like she did. 

When i walked into her hospice room last Friday morning, Todd asked her if she knew what that day was.   Trudy smiled and said "It’s Michelle's birthday".  Of course.  Of course Trudy would remember that it was my birthday.  Then she and Todd sang Happy Birthday to me.  I will never forget that moment.  It was the best birthday present I’ve ever gotten.  Before I had left the night before, I’d put my phone up to her ear and played Wind Beneath My Wings.  She was sleeping, but the next morning, my birthday morning, she told me that she heard it. 

There has never been a time, since I was 11 years old, that Trudy was not a part of my life.

I want to smile because of all of the years I had her in my life, not cry because there won't be more.

Trudy, you are the wind beneath my wings... Thank you for being my friend.  Thank you for being you.  

Mom and I finished the day toasting Trudy at Pizza Star with her husband and her kids.  Pizza and Pepsi - just for Trude.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1623

Trudy Lee (Koyon) Grant 
August 10, 1972 - February 4, 2018

When I wrote my latest blog post in the wee hours of the morning on Feb 4th, I knew.  Even though I hadn't been told, hadn't received the phone call or text, I knew.  God was getting ready to call Trudy home.

I couldn't sleep.  I finally made myself go to bed at 3:15am, and I was awake when I got the text from her husband at 6:05am.

I am forever grateful for the time I spent with Trudy last week.  Even though it was so difficult, seeing her so weak and sick, I wouldn't trade those moments for anything.  I wish I could write a beautiful tribute worthy of her, but for once, words are failing me.

Did you know that the name Trudy means "universal strength"?

How fitting.  No matter what life threw at her, she handled it with grace and strength.  Military life with multiple moves and a husband that was gone more than at home, difficult pregnancies, cervical cancer, lymphedema, her sister's heart attack, breast cancer, losing her mother to breast cancer..... Trudy never complained.  Never asked why.  She just kept on keeping on, making the best of whatever she had, and always looking on the bright side.

I'm not waxing poetic because she is gone.  I would have said (and have said) these same things about her while she was alive.  Nobody ever said anything bad about Trudy, because what could they say?  She was a loving, supportive, forgiving wife.  She was the most incredible and inspiring mother.  (Really, she puts us all to shame)  She was the friend I wish everyone could have.

I met Trudy on the first day of seventh grade.  That was in September of 1984.  There are friends who have known her longer, but I'll go out on a limb and say there's no one who has known her better for most of her life.  Whether we were inseparable in high school or spent two years without seeing each other, we could always, always pick up right where we left off.  As if no time at all had passed.  In all of the years we lived away from each other as adults, I can probably count on one hand the number of phone conversations we've had that lasted less than two hours.  It's kinda funny (but not really), but we couldn't even do breast cancer alone.  A year and a half after she got sick, I received the exact same diagnosis, and had the same treatment and surgeries. Crazy, huh?
We've shared love and heartache, fun and excitement, laughter and tears.

For me, Trudy was the one who I could just be myself with.  She never expected more than what I was, and she loved me for who I am.  I could tell her all my secrets and she could share hers with me.  So many important moments in my life.... and Trudy was a part of all of them.

There is no way a few pictures and some heartfelt words can properly express how much she means to me, and how much I will miss her for the rest of my life.  I've lost other people I loved, and some of them hit REALLY hard, but losing her is like cutting off a limb.

My husband is my romantic soulmate.... my other half.
Trudy was my friendship soulmate.... my better half.



There is no one like her, and my life will never be the same without her in it.

I love you BAH.
LYLAMP  💛

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1622

It's 1:38am.  I traveled from Texas to Virginia and back in the last three days.  I spent most of my time in Virginia at Trudy's bedside.  I'm physically and emotionally worn out.  And yet here I am, wide awake.  Looking up Bible verses about grief, comfort, strength and friendship.  What do I get?  A quote from Dr. Seuss. 

Insomniac blogging at its worst.

Trudy is an easy person to love.  She has made a lot of friends everyplace she's lived (and with a husband in the military, there have been a lot of places).  She has done a better job of keeping in touch with friends from home than I have.  She is the glue that holds her family together.  She is a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend.  Nobody loves her like her husband does.  Nobody loves her like her children do.  Nobody loves her like her dad does.  Nobody loves her like her sister does.  And I can promise you, nobody loves her like I do.

I've never used the term "best friend" regarding anyone but her.  Being inseparable in junior high through college or living thousands of miles apart....the words "best friends" always rang true.  She's the Thelma to my Louise.

I don't really know how to handle my grief.  Trudy is still here, but she won't be for long.  And even though I'm constantly hounding her family and friends who are with her now, I said my goodbye yesterday.  It was beautiful.  It sucked.  I laughed, she smiled, I cried.  We talked.  I hugged her as tightly as I gently could.  She squeezed my hand.  She whispered that it's always been us.... the bond we share is so special and "just us".  Her words.  

I keep waiting for the call that I know is coming.... the one I'm hoping for (for Trudy) and dreading (for me).  You'd think eventually I'd run out of tears.

I need to find comfort.  I need to find the peace that emanated from Trudy when I left her yesterday.  All I feel is sorrow.  I need to smile because of all of the years I had her in my life, not cry because there won't be more.  

We have shared so many wonderful and meaningful times.... passing notes in school and sharing clothes and cruising in my car and laughing/crying over boys and celebrating marriages and babies.  Trips to the beach and getting our first jobs (at the same store) and going to concerts and playing tennis and going to baseball games.  Fighting cancer.  New Year's Eve parties...like this one:

Given that our cancer journeys have been eerily similar, I know there are no guarantees.  Something else I know....whether I live another two months or another four decades, there will not be a single day that I don't hate the fact that Trudy won't be in it.   

Kicking cancer's ass - Day 1620 (part 2)

Ok, all of my eloquent and beautifully written words from last night..... forget them. (Well, don't forget them because I meant every single one.... I'm just not feeling very eloquent right now. )

I am on the plane headed home, and I am gutted. 

I know Trudy is in a wonderful place, for as long as she stays.  She has her husband, her dad, her mother-in-law, her children, and an amazing number of friends coming through her door.

She's being kept comfortable and treated like a queen. 

But damn I want to be there.  I want to be the one holding her hand, rubbing her lips with the ice she needs, telling her I love her a million times. I want to sit in the quiet night and watch her chest rise and fall with each breath. 

It was hard enough to realize that she is leaving us.... I didn't want to be the one to leave her.

When i walked in this morning, her husband asked if she knew what today was.   "Michelle's birthday"

Of course.  Of course she  would remember that today is my birthday.  Then she and her husband sang Happy Birthday to me.  Are you kidding me?  My heart is in tatters.

I told her that I played Wind Beneath My Wings (I put my phone up to her ear) before I left last night while she was sleeping.  She said she heard it. 

I am comforted knowing that she's at peace.  She knows she's loved.  We had a wonderful, emotional talk about us, and how our friendship has stayed so close for so long.  I hope I left her knowing how special she is to me.

The problem is that Trudy always knows what to do.  So what do I do now? How do I find peace without her to guide me to it?

I have a full life.  I have a wonderful family and some really good friends.  But I won't have my Trude, and that breaks my heart. 

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1620

It's after midnight, which means it's officially my 45th birthday.

I'm celebrating.  Not in the way I would have expected, but in a way that's very meaningful to me.

As I sit here in Trudy's hospice room, listening to her breathing and the hum of the oxygen machine, I've decided to celebrate. 

Celebrate this amazing girl who I've been honored to call my best friend for 33 years.  Celebrate her strength.  Her compassion.  Her loyalty.  Her faith.  Her family.  I look across her bed and see her husband of 25 years dozing in the recliner.  (Thank you for sharing her with me)  I was able to hug both of her kids earlier tonight. 

Even though she is leaving us far sooner than any of us wanted, she will be leaving behind one hell of a legacy.  Hers was a life well lived.  She was always moving, always planning, always going somewhere, always doing something for someone else.  Selfish was not in her vocabulary.  She loved people, and the proof is the endless stream of visitors she's had just since I've been here. 

My friend Kathryn, also a breast cancer survivor, calls our birthdays "bonus birthdays" now.   This is my fifth bonus birthday, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world right now.  

Her hair is a mess, her lips are dry, she slept most of the day (after keeping me up most of last night needing ice chips and asking me if I was awake), but my Trude's still the best birthday date I could ask for.

I will see her tomorrow before I have to get back on a plane to head home, but tonight... just me and her.... this is our time.  Time for reflection and remembering.  Time for my goodbye.

My heart aches, but Trudy is at peace.  She's told me that more than once in the last day and a half.   I hope she goes Home soon.  God, she's ready and waiting.  

Trudy Lee.... Thank you for being you.  You've earned your wings.  Cancer is no match for our mighty Father, and I'm relieved you will be whole and healed in His presence soon.

I promise to live a life well lived.  I promise to bring my kids to Busch Gardens with your kids.  I promise to toast you at Pizza Star every summer.  I will be better about organizing my linen closets (but you're a hard act to follow!).  I will never think of Pepsi, Jolly Cow, popcorn at Target, train rides, road trips, scary movies, Cheap Trick's  "The Flame", Lake Taconic, amusement park rides, Carvel ice cream cakes, July 4th in Saugerties, bacon on a hard roll, Sea World, chocolate cake at Denny's at 2am, Ocean Isle Beach or Top Gun without thinking of you.  And when I go to Disney this spring to watch my son march with his band in the parade, I know you will be cheering loudly from above your favorite place.  It's been my honor and privilege to spend some of your last days with you. 

I love you BAH.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1618

2018 is barely thirty-one days old and already I hate it.  

This is insomniac blogging at its worst.  

Six weeks ago my mom lost her best friend to cancer.  They had been the closest of friends for decades.  They had seen each other through good marriages and divorce.  They had raised children in the same neighborhood and shared a love of music, peace and nature.  It was devastating that such a youthful, healthy woman 70 years young could succumb to such a horrible disease.

It's even more devastating that I am on the verge of losing MY best friend to that same damn disease.

It was almost four years ago that I went to visit my dear friend Allyson after I had finished chemo.  She had fought the good fight and went home to hospice care when there was nothing else to be done.  It was the last time I saw her.

Tomorrow (or should I say today) I am flying to Virginia to see Trudy.  My oldest and dearest friend is reaching the end of her fight.  She is weary and her body is weak, but her soul is at peace.  She has been my best friend for over three decades.  We've seen each other through heartbreak and love, childbirth and loss.  I can't imagine any world without her in it, but I especially can't imagine MY world without her.  

One of Trudy's greatest strengths is her faith in the Lord, and I'm doing my best to mimic that.  While my mind is screaming "WHY??????", my heart is seeking peace through His word.  I don't know what else to do.

Psalms are some of my very favorite Bible verses.

HE HEALS THE BROKENHEARTED AND BANDAGES THEIR WOUNDS. - Psalm 147:3

I'm counting on that.  

I have experienced quite a bit of loss in my life.  But none of them hit as hard as this one.

There are tears streaming down my face and a knot in my stomach, knowing my trip tomorrow will probably be the last time I see my BFF.  Life will never be the same.  We may live far apart, but she has never, never been far from my heart.  So many years of memories, so many laughs.  Her friendship has been a comfort I can't even describe.  

I'm relieved for her.  As her husband put it, she's been a valiant soldier.  But she's tired.  She deserves a rest.  She deserves peace.  I just wish with all my might that those things didn't come with such devastating loss to those of us who love her.  

I've never had to prepare myself to say goodbye.  I don't even know where to begin.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1616

Two days ago I received a text that shook me to my core.

It was from my BFF's husband, on her phone, telling me that she was in ICU and they weren't sure she was going to make it.

This picture was taken in 2011..... before breast cancer touched her life.  Before that same cancer touched my life.  Before breast cancer returned to her life.

I met Trudy on the first day of junior high.  She sat in front of me in homeroom (her last name began with KO and mine was KR... with only that pesky Kipp Kramer in between us), and we were inseparable from that day on.  We had other friends, sure, but it was always me and her.  It was sleepovers and trips to the mall and movies and cruising in her mom's blue Camaro and skipping school to go to Wurtsboro for breakfast.  Beach vacations with our families, parties, birthdays and new year's eve parties.  More concerts than I can even remember.

As adults, life took us in different directions, but oddly enough, back to the same places, too.  I lived a few hours from her when she had her first child and I was able to visit when he was only a week old.  Her husband was stationed in Abilene when I had my first child so Trudy was able to meet him when he was only a day old.  They lived in San Antonio when she had her daughter and I was the one she called to come stay with her son while she was in labor.  I was able to meet her baby girl when she was hours old.  She was able to visit me 9 months later when I had my baby girl.  

Even when life took us in very different directions, we've been able to reconnect.  We spent a spring break in San Antonio after she'd moved to Alabama.  We've coordinated trips home to New York in the summer so we could spend time together, most of the time around July 4th.  Last year my kids and I took a detour on the way to NY and spent almost a week at her house in Virginia.  It.Was.Awesome.

In our 33 years of friendship, there have been times where we have been inseparable and there have been times when we've gone months without talking.  Not because we wanted to, but because life gets in the way.  Husbands, kids, school, jobs, families... CANCER.

The year before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, Trudy beat me to it.  If any of you knew us back in the day, you would not be the least bit surprised to find out that not only did we both end up with the same damn disease, but our situations were practically identical.  

She was diagnosed as Stage III.  Me too.  

Her cancer was hormone-receptor positive (estrogen/progesterone).  Me too.  

She was positive for the BRCA2 gene mutation.  Me too.  

She had a bilateral mastectomy and hysterectomy.  Me too.  

She did chemo, surgery, radiation and hormone suppression therapy.  Me too.  

The only difference is that I chose to have reconstruction.  

Trudy was diagnosed last year with a recurrence, which moved her to Stage IV.  Incurable, but hopefully treatable so she can live a long time.  Unfortunately a series of different chemo regimens have stopped some of the cancer from growing, but not all.  If you've ever been through chemo, you know that it takes a tremendous toll.  She was receiving chemo when I saw her in July.  It is now January.... almost February.  That's a long damn time to be getting chemo when your system can barely tolerate it.  

Getting that text on Friday was so heartbreakingly awful, I couldn't process it.  I spent hours in bed crying.  Crying for her.  Crying for her husband.  Crying for me, because I'm so damned far away.  The first thing I thought of, after "I don't want her to die", was "I need to go see her."  I was ready to dry my tears (with the help of Hubby's Xanax) and hop on a plane.  

Yeah... that didn't happen.  You know why?  Not only do I have commitments here, and two kids that are busy with activities, and a job.... but a plane ticket was going to cost almost a THOUSAND DOLLARS.  Where the hell do I live, Bora Bora?  $895 to fly from Texas to Virginia.  This is not a "woe is me" tale about how I can't afford to go see my friend.  I'd make it work.  I'm still trying to figure out how to make it work.  One of our mutual friends just drove from NY to VA to spend 4 hours with Trudy, then turned around and drove home.  I would do that.  I wish I COULD do that.  But it's a 23 hour drive from Texas.  Not 7 or 8 hours.

Since that awful first text, things have improved.  Trudy was diagnosed with pneumonia and a sepsis infection..... serious illnesses on a good day, life-threatening for someone in Trudy's medical condition.  The doctors were questioning whether she would survive it.  Making it through the first night was huge.  Showing signs of improvement all day yesterday was huge.  Wanting to eat and drink something today was huge.  The fact that she's alive and fighting after everything she's been through is huge.

BAH, I know you are weary.  I know your body is weak.  I know cancer is undermining every step you take forward.  But you, my Trude, are a fighter.  You still have girl scout cookies to sell and bowling competitions to watch and roller coasters to ride.  We still have more concerts to go to!  Blake is waiting for us, Trude!

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, or the next day.  I don't know if we will have her for another 2 weeks, 2 years or 2 decades.  All I know is that it won't be enough.  Trudy is the friend that knows all my secrets and loves me anyway.  She shares my love of Pepsi, Bachman pretzel rods and Jax cheese doodles.  Over the last few years she has developed an incredibly strong faith, thanks in part to her son's strong faith.  

Matthew 11:28-30

 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

  

I hope she is resting..... resting up for the fight of her life.  There are so many people who love her.  Everybody likes Trudy.  She's uncomplicated, fun, funny and loyal.  She is a petite redhead without a redhead's temper.  She is a lefty who can't carry a tune in a bucket (something else we have in common), and she doesn't really care what anyone thinks about her.  She's nice to them, they are nice to her.  She has a husband.  She has two kids.  She has a father, a sister, nephews.  She has extended family, and a lot of friends.  And she has me.  There has never been a time, since I was 11 years old, that Trudy was not a part of my life.  I refuse to believe that that time will start now.  She has too much life left to live.

Trudy, you are my hero.  You showed me the way when I had to walk in your shoes.  You never complain, you're never dramatic.... you just take what life throws at you and then move on.  You're the sweetest, funniest friend with the most beautiful heart and I am nowhere near ready to let you go.

Keep fighting.  Stay strong.  Rest and recuperate.  Eat jello when nothing else tastes good.  Drink a slush from Sonic.  Cancer is a formidable opponent.... one you may not be able to beat.  But for now, you can beat it back.  I'm praying for you. My family is praying for you.  My friends are praying for you.  People in my online breast cancer support groups, most of whom haven't even met ME, are praying for you.  You are so important.  And so loved.  Never doubt it. 

 LYLAMP BAH

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1607

Yesterday I slept all day.  Literally all day.  I got the kids up and off to school, then took a shower before work.  After my shower I was extremely nauseous and ended up calling in sick (after getting sick.... blah).  I promptly fell asleep on the couch.... and did not even move for five hours.  I woke up when Hubby came home from work, and he sent me to bed.  There I went back to sleep until 7pm when I finally emerged, feeling somewhat human. 

I don't know what made me sick, or why I was so tired.  All I knew is that I.WAS.EXHAUSTED.  I can't even explain how tired I was.... it was BEYOND tired.  I didn't have the energy to do one single thing. 

I seem to have this pattern of going, going, going until I hit a wall, and then sleep overtakes me.  But never like this.  Usually it's just an extra long nap, or going to bed one night at 8pm.  Sleeping all day?  That's a bit concerning to me.

That brings me to this post that I wrote almost two years ago..... it's sad that most of this is still happening.  The physical things haven't gotten much better, and some are worse.  I still feel the same as when I wrote this.  I'm tired of being tired.  I'm tired of worrying.  I'm tired of feeling like I can't get anything done.  I'm tired of feeling like the lousiest wife and mother on the planet.  I'm just freaking tired.  (And once again wide awake at almost 1am)

Kicking cancer's ass - day 883

Insomniac blogging....

So I'm wide awake at almost 1am.  This time it's not because I can't fall asleep.  It's because I DID fall asleep.  I had a headache and felt "off" this afternoon, so I slept like the dead for about three hours.  Rest I needed, sure, but waking up at 7pm means I'm still awake in the wee hours.

Hubby teased me about sleeping "all day", and even made the comment "who are you?" when he and K came home from basketball practice.  I know he was just giving me a hard time, but I also know there's a part of him that meant it.  He's probably so sick of my drama.  He has to be, because I'M so sick of it.  If I'm not at a doctor's appointment, I'm worrying about a symptom that's prompting me to make an appointment.  I'm not sleeping at night, I'm tired and napping during the day, I have no energy to do the stuff I used to do.  My back hurts, my knees crack, my left arm swells during the night.  I can't even joke "Not tonight, I have a headache" because most of the time I DO have a headache!  Who wants to live with that 24/7?

Honestly, he got the short end of the stick when he married me.  I've forced the "in sickness and in health" vow on him to the millionth degree.  So on top of all of the other post-cancer crap, I'm dealing with worry and guilt over not being the wife I want to be, and not being the mom I want to be for my kids.  It has been 883 days since my first chemo treatment.  That's a lot of freaking days.  I've been through a lot, no doubt about it, but I'm here, I'm alive and well and I'm blessed with family and friends.  So why is everything so incredibly hard???  Sometimes I feel like I was stronger, happier and more together in the middle of chemo than I am now.  I am a cancer survivor.  I tell myself I should be treasuring every day and just be happy I'm alive.

Yet I'm constantly overwhelmed.  My former perfectionist OCD multitasking expert self is nowhere to be found.  The shelves in my living room are still empty of our belongings two weeks after the carpet guy finished.  One of these days I would like to reclaim my laundry room, but I just can't seem to summon the energy to open the storage tubs full of knick knacks and photo albums.  More often than not we eat out because I either can't remember to plan ahead or can't find the energy to cook.  I stress over making healthy choices about eating because there are so many things I love that are bad for you.  I'd love to lose the thirty pounds I've gained, but it's hard to find motivation when fatigue is my constant companion and every joint in my body hurts.  I want to be the fun, spontaneous mom that makes childhood a magical time for her kids, and yet I'm just not her.  I want to be the sweet, caring woman that my husband fell in love with all those years ago.... not the tired, grumpy, complaining person I am now.  I haven't talked to my BFF in months.  Not because I don't want to, because I forget to call.  I want to do more.  I want to be more.

I found a great blog by Debbie Woodbury called "Running on Empty - Coping with Cancer Stress"
She describes everything I'm feeling so perfectly.  It's worth a read.

She says:

But the transition from patient to cancer survivor is not an easy one and the new normal brings its own cancer stress. Even for prisoners, the re-entry phase into normal society is usually gradual, but such is not the case for most cancer survivors. Family and friends want to return to normal life as soon as possible, and who can blame them? The cancer survivor wants that too, of course. But what we want is not always what we are capable of achieving, which causes even more cancer stress (and often, full-blown cancer anger.) After all we have been through, we are running on empty and only capable of so much.  

Who I am right now is unacceptable to me.  And yet.... what can I do?   I'm on antidepressants to help keep my mood even.  I'm taking supplements to help me stay healthy and to combat the side effects of the medicine I'm on.  I try to exercise at least 30 minutes a few times a week, which is the best I can do right now.

But it doesn't feel like my best is enough.  *I* don't feel like enough.
I feel like I'm letting my husband down.  I feel like I'm letting my kids down.  Even after 883 days, cancer is draining me.
I'm running on empty.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1599

Yesterday's blog post got me thinking about concerts.... both ones I've attended and just in general.  Concerts are a big business.  If you don't know that, have you tried to purchase a concert ticket lately?  You practically need a second mortgage to afford most of them.  It's an expensive hobby.... but one that's good for you.  Surprised?  Read on.

US News & World Report posted the following article describing the health benefits (yes, health) of attending concerts:

6 Reasons going to concerts is good for you  (including stress relief and exercise!)

There are three types of concert people in the world:

There are people who go to concerts because they like live music, or they are friends with or married to someone who likes live music.  They don't mind going, but they sit in their seat and maybe mouth a few lyrics while checking their watch every 10 minutes.  They don't take pictures or videos and they certainly do not stand for anything except to hit the concession stand.

There are some people who wouldn't be caught dead at a concert.  Being surrounded by thousands of screaming men and women with music blaring and lights flashing, and having to pay to experience that?  These people say HELL NO!  

Then there are people who can't get enough.  They are the ones who pay more than they should to get the best seats (or the best standing room!).  They are the ones who know the words to every song and sing loud and proud.  They are the ones who stand from the first note until the end of the encore.  

I most definitely fit into that third category.  I've been fortunate to be able to attend quite a few fantastic concerts lately, and more than a few in my lifetime.  There are still some artists on my bucket list that I have never had the chance to see (The Eagles, Keith Urban, Daughtry, Blake Shelton, Kenny Chesney, Eric Church.....), but from my very first concert as a young girl (Rick Springfield) to now, I've amassed quite a resume of concert attendances.  

I wonder how many I can remember.  (The ones in italics were opening acts)

Air Supply

Alabama

Kelsea Ballerini

Beach Boys

Clint Black x2

Garth Brooks x3

Luke Bryan x2

Tracy Byrd x2

Mary Chapin Carpenter

Collective Soul

Sheryl Crow

Billy Ray Cyrus x too many to count

Dan & Shay

Jordan Davis

Def Leppard

Neil Diamond

Diamond Rio

Deryl Dodd

Melissa Etheredge

Florida Georgia Line

Foreigner

Vince Gill

Pat Green

Heart

Ty Herndon

Faith Hill x3

Alan Jackson x2

Chris Janson

Billy Joel

Journey

Lady Antebellum

Miranda Lambert

Cyndi Lauper

Tracy Lawrence

Little Big Town

Lonestar x2

Patty Loveless

Martina McBride

Reba McEntire

Tim McGraw x4

John Michael Montgomery x2

Montgomery Gentry

Justin Moore

Kip Moore x2

Lorrie Morgan

Brad Paisley

Jon Pardi

Kellie Pickler

Cassadee Pope

Collin Raye

REO Speedwagon

Darius Rucker

Sawyer Brown

Ed Sheeran

Rick Springfield

Chris Stapleton

Rod Stewart

George Straight

Taylor Swift x3

Pam Tillis

Shania Twain x2

Drake White

Trisha Yearwood x2

Brett Young

Chris Young

I'm sure there are more, but that's what I can come up with.  Quite the list, huh?  More concerts than years I've been alive... by a bunch.  

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1598

I've always been a music lover (even though I can't carry a tune in a bucket), and it seems the older I get, the more I love it.  One of my very favorite things to do is go to concerts.  Last year was an exceptional year for concerts for me.... take a look:

April 2017  Garth Brooks & Trisha Yearwood  (my third time seeing him... he just gets better with age!) - Lubbock, TX

May 2017  Tim McGraw & Faith Hill  (I've seen them before, too, but still fantastic!) - Tulsa, OK

August 2017  Brett Young, Kelsea Ballerini & Lady Antebellum - Dallas, TX

October 2017 Tim McGraw & Faith Hill (yes, again)  - Dallas, TX

November 2017  Kip Moore (I looked forward to this one all year!) - Fort Worth, TX

After reliving some of my favorite concert moments from last year, I'm excited for 2018.  We already have two concerts lined up.... Aaron Watson/Pat Green right here in Abilene (Aaron Watson is a local guy) at the end of this month, and Kip Moore at the San Antonio Rodeo in February.  I'm thankful that my daughter loves music and concerts as much as I do!