Ok, all of my eloquent and beautifully written words from last night..... forget them. (Well, don't forget them because I meant every single one.... I'm just not feeling very eloquent right now. )
I am on the plane headed home, and I am gutted.
I know Trudy is in a wonderful place, for as long as she stays. She has her husband, her dad, her mother-in-law, her children, and an amazing number of friends coming through her door.
She's being kept comfortable and treated like a queen.
But damn I want to be there. I want to be the one holding her hand, rubbing her lips with the ice she needs, telling her I love her a million times. I want to sit in the quiet night and watch her chest rise and fall with each breath.
It was hard enough to realize that she is leaving us.... I didn't want to be the one to leave her.
When i walked in this morning, her husband asked if she knew what today was. "Michelle's birthday"
Of course. Of course she would remember that today is my birthday. Then she and her husband sang Happy Birthday to me. Are you kidding me? My heart is in tatters.
I told her that I played Wind Beneath My Wings (I put my phone up to her ear) before I left last night while she was sleeping. She said she heard it.
I am comforted knowing that she's at peace. She knows she's loved. We had a wonderful, emotional talk about us, and how our friendship has stayed so close for so long. I hope I left her knowing how special she is to me.
The problem is that Trudy always knows what to do. So what do I do now? How do I find peace without her to guide me to it?
I have a full life. I have a wonderful family and some really good friends. But I won't have my Trude, and that breaks my heart.
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