Kicking cancer's ass - day 1589

I'm a day late (and more than a few dollars short... ha ha), but happy 2018!  

Want to know a secret?  Four years ago tonight, probably right about now, I let Hubby take my first ever nude photos (not counting the ones at the plastic surgeon's office, because those are clinical, not personal).  We had to be at the hospital bright and (super) early the next morning for my surgery.  It was surgery #2 in my cancer journey, and it was a biggie.  I would be under the knife for eight to ten hours and would wake up with parts of me gone.  

I've always had low self-esteem and I've never really enjoyed being naked.... so posing for a picture without clothes on, even with my husband, was supremely uncomfortable.  But it was something I had to do.  Cancer had already taken my hair months before during chemo, and on January 3, 2014 it was going to take my breasts.  I wanted a reminder.

Eff you, cancer.

In the four years since that day, I have regained some normalcy with the way I look.  My hair (thanks to my fabulous friend/hairdresser Tonya) looks like it used to.  I don't have that pale, sickly pallor that follows chemo patients around for weeks.  And I have (if I do say so myself) pretty amazing foobs (fake boobs) compliments of my extremely talented plastic surgeon.  They look normal when I'm wearing clothes, and they don't look too bad without clothes.  That's the plus side.

When a woman undergoes a bilateral mastectomy, there is a lot of damage done to her body.  A lot.  The surgeon removes all breast tissue (and cancer!) all the way back to the chest wall, sometimes skin, and lymph nodes.  In my case, being BRCA2+ and already having 2 nodes test positive for cancer, my doctor went all out.  She removed all of my lymph nodes on the cancer side, including the ones on my chest and all of the nodes located under my arm.  24 total.  The good news is.... with a surgery that extensive, a lot of nerves were severed, so I couldn't really feel much pain.  The bad news is.... I couldn't really feel much of anything.  I still can't.  Despite regaining some feeling in certain areas, and despite the fact that my foobs are warm and squishy, made from tissue from my own body, for the most part I have little to no sensation in the parts that count.  Aside from the fact that cancer is a disease that KILLS PEOPLE and it tried to kill me... this loss of sensation is one of the things that pisses me off the most.

I basically have no lady parts left.  My breasts are gone.  My ovaries are gone.  My uterus is gone.  I take an estrogen blocker, so my female hormones are gone.  Trying to look and feel good as a woman is a battle every single day.  

In order for me not to be a complete downer today, I'm going to take that sentence to heart.  I have a lot of scars, and I have a lot of stories.  Not all of them are fun, funny or pretty.  But what I'm going to post next is pretty entertaining.  It's my blog entry from after my surgery, when I had a lot of time to do nothing but make observations about things in the hospital.

Things I've learned in the hospital:

.. It's not as fun being in the hospital when you're not having a baby. The only other times I've had a hospital stay were when I had my kids. Getting to hold a cute little newborn makes up for feeling pain and discomfort!

.. I do not like peas. I definitely don't like peas in chicken noodle soup! The food here is decent, but really... who puts peas in chicken noodle soup?

.. I have got to get me some of these inflatable leg pump things. They would go a LONG way toward helping my restless legs syndrome!! I love them. Think anyone would notice if they disappeared into my suitcase?

.. I hate hospital gowns. I was a thousand times happier once I got cleaned up and into my own pjs.

.. Having a mastectomy makes you feel like you bench pressed 500 pounds. Not that I know what that feels like exactly, but i imagine it's a similar feeling.

.. My hubby is an excellent caretaker. He has been phenomenal... right there to help me up or hand me my chap stick or get me a drink. I bet he's probably almost as exhausted as I am. I love him.

.. Sonic sweet tea is YUM, especially when you're extremely thirsty.

.. Nurses are very concerned with their patient's bathroom production.

.. Oral pain meds are not nearly as effective as the morphine pump.

.. Something about surgery made my hands swell and I haven't been able to put my wedding rings back on. This bothers me.

.. I thought I would be sad when I saw my incisions for the first time. I wasn't. I think of them as battle scars, and wear them proudly since I am kicking cancer's ass!!