Kicking cancer's ass - day 525

Self-induced insomniac blogging, thanks to my four hour "nap" this afternoon.

In my little group of breast cancer survivors (all diagnosed around the same time I was), there are now three who have been diagnosed with a recurrence.  Three out of forty-seven.  That scares the crap out of me.  Two of them just found out this week.  The other is already going through chemo again.  Two others were on their second (or more) go round with cancer when most of us were initially diagnosed.

Cancer is scary business.

Forget Everything And Run.  I'm guessing that would be my initial reaction if I were one of those five women who heard the words "you have cancer" for the second time.  Doing this once is no picnic.  Doing it twice (or more) is unthinkable.

And yet, what choice do they have?  They are strong, courageous women.  Warriors.  They are having to put on their armor, Face Everything And Rise.

I'm only human, though, and this really gets to me.  I'm fearful for them.  I hate that they have been through the war and are now back in the trenches.

I'm even more fearful for me.  Obviously I know recurrence is a possibility.  With my stats, it's probably more than a possibility.  I can't live my life thinking like that.  I don't want to sit around waiting for the other shoe to drop.  But five out of forty-even.  That has to be above average, don't you think?  Is it really just bad luck or a matter of chance, or is it just a matter of time before most of us will be in that same situation?

I'm so proud of myself for kicking cancer's ass.  There isn't a day in my five hundred and twenty-five day battle that I'd care to repeat, and I am afraid.  What if?  As Hubby said, I have kick-ass doctors.  I threw the book at cancer, did every treatment and surgery available.  But.  What if that's not enough?  What if it's just luck of the draw that some tiny little cancer cell somehow survived and is just waiting for the right day to rear its ugly head?  What if I develop a different type of cancer?  After all, my genetic testing was positive, putting me at higher risk for other cancers.  What if, what if, what if?

This all just sucks.  I don't want to be afraid.

For now, all I can do is keep living.  Make myself stronger and healthier.  Give love and support to those who need it.  And try not to let the fear overwhelm me.

I think fearless is having fears but jumping anyway.
 - Taylor Swift