Welcome to my world

I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister and a friend.
I've learned that who you have in your life matters more than what you have.
Thank you for stepping in to my world!

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1233

January.  Sigh.
Who really likes January?
I would say I have the winter blues (or to be politically correct, seasonal deficit disorder), but we haven't even really had a winter yet here in Texas.  We had a few really, really cold days, and even some snow flurries one afternoon, but that's it.  Yesterday it was 80 degrees.  Yes, eighty.  I like winter.  Maybe I'd be happier if we'd get some snow!

I'm having a hard time snapping out of this "blah" that has overtaken me lately.  Granted, I've had a rough time of it.  I got sick a week before Christmas - so sick that I had to give up my tickets to a Cowboys game!!  Talk about depressing.  Since Dec 19th I've been on three different antibiotics, and Tamiflu because my sweet little girl had the flu.  Now almost a month later, I don't feel sick anymore, but I still have a cough and overwhelming fatigue.  Tuesday I literally slept all day.  I could not even summon the energy to get off of the couch.

I don't think I'm depressed.  I've been depressed, I know what that feels like.  Not to mention I've been on antidepressants since d-day.  I think being sick and tired for so long is just getting to me.  I finally took my Christmas tree down last night.  Yes, January 11th.  My mailbox still has its Christmas garland on it.  I'll get to it.... one of these days.

My BFF lost her mom right before New Year's.  I've known her since I was twelve, and I probably spent more time at their house during high school than my own.  I flew to NY for the visitation and funeral, which was a mixed blessing.  I hadn't seen BFF in two years and we had a really good visit despite the circumstances.  She has been my bestie for over 30 years, and we can pick up where we left off no matter how long it's been.  But saying a forever goodbye to her mom, such a sweet, GOOD lady, was difficult and emotional.  And six flights, four layovers and two one-hour drives in three days was just exhausting.

Warning:  pity party ahead.
I miss my friends.  Some of the ones I'm closest to have moved away.  That sucks.  Technology allows me to converse with them whenever I want, which is great, but it's not the same as them being here.  Others are still here but circumstances have changed our friendships.  That really sucks.  I try to be a good person.  I try to be a supportive, honest, caring friend, and yet my circle just keeps getting smaller and smaller.  

When you are a cancer patient, you have to be selfish.  100% of your focus has to be on yourself:  taking care of yourself, making yourself stronger.  Maybe cancer has made me too selfish.  I've tried to take a step back and look at the friendships in my life and how they have changed, but I just don't understand it.  I feel like I'm not a priority to many of the people I care about.  S moved away, far away, and yet I talk with her more than anyone.  She makes me laugh and always asks what I need, even though she can't possibly do anything about it.  My other friend S still lives here (and probably always will, thank God), but she's going through her own issues right now.  

Are you the one who calls or texts people out of the blue, just to say hi?  Are you someone who invites a girl to lunch just to catch up?  Are you someone who asks how someone is doing... really doing?  I feel like that's me, and it's all one-sided.  I get it.  Life is busy, especially when you have kids.  I'm busy with my own family.  But I miss having a "girl posse".  I miss being checked up on.  I miss people being happy to be around me.  And it makes me sad to think I may have done something or changed in some way to cause this.

I saw this on Facebook today:

I think lately I've been my own worst enemy.  You know what?  Screw it.  I'm not even going to let ME dull my sparkle.  I adore my husband, I love my kids, and all I can do is be the best me I can be.  I'm going to sparkle the heck out of the rest of January.  Life is too short to be sad.

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