Kicking cancer's ass - day 3767

 

Is He, though? 

I'm having a very hard time with this lately.

I've never been an overly religious person, but I consider myself a believer and I've always relied on my faith. That has seen me through some very tough times. I don't think I have even a tiny mustard seed of faith right now. It hurts my heart to feel like this, especially at Christmas. This is my favorite time of year, and normally the time I feel closest to God. Not this year. I'm stressed, overwhelmed and sad. Not filled with the Christmas spirit at all. 

I know that God does not answer every prayer. Nothing bad would ever happen in the world if He did. I also know He didn't promise it would be easy. He promised it would be worth it. Well, right now? It doesn't feel worth it. It feels hard and unfulfilling and like He couldn't care less about me.

I'm struggling. Big time. In fact, this font is called "Shadows into Light", because I'm desperately searching for the light. 

It seems like every single prayer I pray, everything I hope for, everything I ask for... the exact opposite happens. Over and over again. Big prayers, tiny everyday prayers, prayers for myself, prayers for others... it doesn't matter. I hope and pray for something good, or an answer, and instead something bad or disappointing or stressful happens. 

I'm lost. I'm sad. I'm disconnected from God, from my family, from LIFE. I'm not asking for miracles, or millions of dollars, or for world peace. In the grand scheme of things, my prayers are insignificant and personal. Maybe too personal. Maybe God is trying to show me that I'm being selfish (even though 99% of my prayers are not for me). 

I don't know how many times in my life I have had to tell myself that it's all in GOD'S plan. Not mine. Even though I think I know best. Right now I feel like there is no plan at all. I'm frustrated with life. I'm sick of stupid little things going wrong, because those little things keep adding up to feel like BIG things. I don't see God's plan for me at all. The plan right now feels like I'm just meant to struggle.

We don't always agree with God's plan. I will fully admit that I have questioned Him more times in my life than I probably should have. When I lost one baby... then another. When Allyson got sick. When Trudy got sick. When *I* got sick. When Allyson died way too soon.. When Trudy died way too soon. When Darren died way too soon in such a shocking way. I've asked God "WHY?" a lot. And of course, there's no answer. 

I know I'm blessed. I have a loving family. I have a cozy, comfortable home. I have two jobs that I enjoy and help me provide for our family. I have my health (sort of). I don't take any of that for granted. But I am very weary. It's so hard to understand why everything I pray for is rejected. Or ignored. It feels like my hopes and prayers are insignificant. It's hard not to "lose heart" when everything your heart asks for is denied.

I have been searching for Bible verses about struggling with your faith and not feeling closer to God. Hebrews 13:5 keeps coming up in my searches. I don't believe it right now, but I hope if I read it enough, pray it enough, that I will start to feel that this is true. Because right now I feel forsaken. 

Merry freaking Christmas.