Kicking cancer's ass - day 3764

Do you ever feel sad even though you don't know why?

Do you feel lonely, even though you're surrounded by people?

Do you feel overwhelmed, even though there is more good than bad in your life?

This year has been HARD. 
There haven't been any major catastrophes. No major illnesses. No deaths. No crisis we couldn't handle. But sometimes dozens of little things add up, and keep adding up, until everything feels like one big thing. Every time I tell my mom about something going on, she says "This is unbelievable. It's just one thing after another."  It really is a case of, if we didn't have bad luck, we'd have no luck at all.

All of these "things" piled on top of what is already an emotional year almost feels like too much sometimes.  The last two months have been so hard on my heart.

In early November, Jared moved 2 hours away to start training for a job with Union Pacific railroad. Even though I'm thrilled that he's able to start his dream job, it hasn't been easy adjusting to not having him here, in my everyday life. I saw a meme the other day that said "Texting your teenage son is like texting a guy who isn't interested in you." Ha ha. Jared is not a teen, but that is spot on. He's a man of few words, and other than keeping our snap streak alive, I rarely talk to him except for the occasional quick phone call or text. Logically I know this is just part of letting go, it's not easy.

Senior night for band ...even though Kelsie doesn't love band anymore, in a way it's the end of an era. I have loved being a band mom for a dozen years, and watching her stand with her fellow seniors while the band played It Is Well was so emotional. It was also the last home football game.

There were a few other "lasts" that hit hard.  The last regular season game (which was the last time we saw the band march their show).  We helped the band move the equipment so we could see them up close and personal one last time.

The last marching competition (Wylie finished 4th, 2 spots away from going to state).

The first playoff pep rally, when the senior cheerleaders were recognized. There were tables set up in the lobby with so many memories documented, and their skit during the pep rally was to Taylor Swift's "Never Grow Up". 

On the upswing of the emotional roller coaster was a fun road trip Kelsie and I took to Austin. We had VIP tickets to see Morgan Wallen. We ended up right next to the stage. I have always been a concert lover, and to be that close for my favorite artist with my best concert buddy next to me... we had an amazing time.

Boyd and I went to the Dallas Cowboys football game on Thanksgiving. When Justin was younger, Boyd would always take him to that game. This year we gave Justin tickets for his 40th birthday, but he didn't know we bought tickets, too. We kept it a surprise until we found him at the stadium. It was a big win and just a great day (and Dolly Parton sang the halftime show!!). 

Jared was able to come home for the weekend, so we celebrated Thanksgiving with our little family, and Jared's 22nd birthday. 

One of the things that has made everything so much harder is that I've been sick for WEEKS. I am always a "wait and see" person, trying to push through on my own, but I finally caved. I went to the walk-in emergency clinic and was diagnosed with a sinus infection and bronchitis. The antibiotic they gave me made me very sick, so I couldn't take it. I tried to tough it out, but two days later I ended up in the emergency room. My cough was awful, I felt like I was going to pass out, I couldn't eat, my chest hurt and then my arm gave me a cellulitis scare. I needed help. Unfortunately they didn't really do anything for me other than prescribe nausea meds so I could take the antibiotic, and gave me an inhaler. I am STILL coughing constantly and it's just dragging me down.

I was so sad to be feeling so bad for so long, because it took my energy away from Christmas. I LOVE Christmas.... the meaning of it, the music, the decorations, the traditions... everything. And I just couldn't do ANYthing except for some online shopping.  Thankfully my mom came for a visit in early December and helped me decorate, including putting up our tree. 

Something that we have been looking forward to for months was Kelsie performing with Wylie Theatre in Mamma Mia. She auditioned and was cast in the role she wanted, and she was spectacular. The students worked so hard for weeks, and it showed. The cast was outstanding and every performance was phenomenal. They did four shows and I could have watched it four more times. I absolutely LOVED watching my girl shine on stage, and the whole production was fabulous. At the end of the last show, I couldn't keep it together when I saw Kels crying while dancing and trying to smile through her tears during their last number. Even though they have other plays next semester, this was the last musical, and it was a big one. Kelsie was thrilled to play Tanya in Mamma Mia, and it was so bittersweet for her and her friends when it was all over. (I have way too many photos and videos from those shows, so I'll make a separate post.)

The day after my mom went back home was Kelsie's last band Christmas concert. It was the last time I will hear her play It Is Well (the band usually plays it TO the seniors at the spring concert).  There are so many "lasts" and each one is starting to feel heavier than the one before.

I want to stop being stressed and overwhelmed by life. I want to stop coughing. I want our cars to stop breaking down. I want to stop worrying about money (hello Christmas!). I want time with my family, to enjoy simple things like Christmas lights and watching a movie. I want to soak in every "last" that comes our way with Kelsie these next six months, and not cry over every single one. I want peace.

I want to have a merry Christmas, and I 100% want 2024 to be a happy new year for my family.