Kicking cancer's ass - day 3767

 

Is He, though? 

I'm having a very hard time with this lately.

I've never been an overly religious person, but I consider myself a believer and I've always relied on my faith. That has seen me through some very tough times. I don't think I have even a tiny mustard seed of faith right now. It hurts my heart to feel like this, especially at Christmas. This is my favorite time of year, and normally the time I feel closest to God. Not this year. I'm stressed, overwhelmed and sad. Not filled with the Christmas spirit at all. 

I know that God does not answer every prayer. Nothing bad would ever happen in the world if He did. I also know He didn't promise it would be easy. He promised it would be worth it. Well, right now? It doesn't feel worth it. It feels hard and unfulfilling and like He couldn't care less about me.

I'm struggling. Big time. In fact, this font is called "Shadows into Light", because I'm desperately searching for the light. 

It seems like every single prayer I pray, everything I hope for, everything I ask for... the exact opposite happens. Over and over again. Big prayers, tiny everyday prayers, prayers for myself, prayers for others... it doesn't matter. I hope and pray for something good, or an answer, and instead something bad or disappointing or stressful happens. 

I'm lost. I'm sad. I'm disconnected from God, from my family, from LIFE. I'm not asking for miracles, or millions of dollars, or for world peace. In the grand scheme of things, my prayers are insignificant and personal. Maybe too personal. Maybe God is trying to show me that I'm being selfish (even though 99% of my prayers are not for me). 

I don't know how many times in my life I have had to tell myself that it's all in GOD'S plan. Not mine. Even though I think I know best. Right now I feel like there is no plan at all. I'm frustrated with life. I'm sick of stupid little things going wrong, because those little things keep adding up to feel like BIG things. I don't see God's plan for me at all. The plan right now feels like I'm just meant to struggle.

We don't always agree with God's plan. I will fully admit that I have questioned Him more times in my life than I probably should have. When I lost one baby... then another. When Allyson got sick. When Trudy got sick. When *I* got sick. When Allyson died way too soon.. When Trudy died way too soon. When Darren died way too soon in such a shocking way. I've asked God "WHY?" a lot. And of course, there's no answer. 

I know I'm blessed. I have a loving family. I have a cozy, comfortable home. I have two jobs that I enjoy and help me provide for our family. I have my health (sort of). I don't take any of that for granted. But I am very weary. It's so hard to understand why everything I pray for is rejected. Or ignored. It feels like my hopes and prayers are insignificant. It's hard not to "lose heart" when everything your heart asks for is denied.

I have been searching for Bible verses about struggling with your faith and not feeling closer to God. Hebrews 13:5 keeps coming up in my searches. I don't believe it right now, but I hope if I read it enough, pray it enough, that I will start to feel that this is true. Because right now I feel forsaken. 

Merry freaking Christmas.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 3764

Do you ever feel sad even though you don't know why?

Do you feel lonely, even though you're surrounded by people?

Do you feel overwhelmed, even though there is more good than bad in your life?

This year has been HARD. 
There haven't been any major catastrophes. No major illnesses. No deaths. No crisis we couldn't handle. But sometimes dozens of little things add up, and keep adding up, until everything feels like one big thing. Every time I tell my mom about something going on, she says "This is unbelievable. It's just one thing after another."  It really is a case of, if we didn't have bad luck, we'd have no luck at all.

All of these "things" piled on top of what is already an emotional year almost feels like too much sometimes.  The last two months have been so hard on my heart.

In early November, Jared moved 2 hours away to start training for a job with Union Pacific railroad. Even though I'm thrilled that he's able to start his dream job, it hasn't been easy adjusting to not having him here, in my everyday life. I saw a meme the other day that said "Texting your teenage son is like texting a guy who isn't interested in you." Ha ha. Jared is not a teen, but that is spot on. He's a man of few words, and other than keeping our snap streak alive, I rarely talk to him except for the occasional quick phone call or text. Logically I know this is just part of letting go, it's not easy.

Senior night for band ...even though Kelsie doesn't love band anymore, in a way it's the end of an era. I have loved being a band mom for a dozen years, and watching her stand with her fellow seniors while the band played It Is Well was so emotional. It was also the last home football game.

There were a few other "lasts" that hit hard.  The last regular season game (which was the last time we saw the band march their show).  We helped the band move the equipment so we could see them up close and personal one last time.

The last marching competition (Wylie finished 4th, 2 spots away from going to state).

The first playoff pep rally, when the senior cheerleaders were recognized. There were tables set up in the lobby with so many memories documented, and their skit during the pep rally was to Taylor Swift's "Never Grow Up". 

On the upswing of the emotional roller coaster was a fun road trip Kelsie and I took to Austin. We had VIP tickets to see Morgan Wallen. We ended up right next to the stage. I have always been a concert lover, and to be that close for my favorite artist with my best concert buddy next to me... we had an amazing time.

Boyd and I went to the Dallas Cowboys football game on Thanksgiving. When Justin was younger, Boyd would always take him to that game. This year we gave Justin tickets for his 40th birthday, but he didn't know we bought tickets, too. We kept it a surprise until we found him at the stadium. It was a big win and just a great day (and Dolly Parton sang the halftime show!!). 

Jared was able to come home for the weekend, so we celebrated Thanksgiving with our little family, and Jared's 22nd birthday. 

One of the things that has made everything so much harder is that I've been sick for WEEKS. I am always a "wait and see" person, trying to push through on my own, but I finally caved. I went to the walk-in emergency clinic and was diagnosed with a sinus infection and bronchitis. The antibiotic they gave me made me very sick, so I couldn't take it. I tried to tough it out, but two days later I ended up in the emergency room. My cough was awful, I felt like I was going to pass out, I couldn't eat, my chest hurt and then my arm gave me a cellulitis scare. I needed help. Unfortunately they didn't really do anything for me other than prescribe nausea meds so I could take the antibiotic, and gave me an inhaler. I am STILL coughing constantly and it's just dragging me down.

I was so sad to be feeling so bad for so long, because it took my energy away from Christmas. I LOVE Christmas.... the meaning of it, the music, the decorations, the traditions... everything. And I just couldn't do ANYthing except for some online shopping.  Thankfully my mom came for a visit in early December and helped me decorate, including putting up our tree. 

Something that we have been looking forward to for months was Kelsie performing with Wylie Theatre in Mamma Mia. She auditioned and was cast in the role she wanted, and she was spectacular. The students worked so hard for weeks, and it showed. The cast was outstanding and every performance was phenomenal. They did four shows and I could have watched it four more times. I absolutely LOVED watching my girl shine on stage, and the whole production was fabulous. At the end of the last show, I couldn't keep it together when I saw Kels crying while dancing and trying to smile through her tears during their last number. Even though they have other plays next semester, this was the last musical, and it was a big one. Kelsie was thrilled to play Tanya in Mamma Mia, and it was so bittersweet for her and her friends when it was all over. (I have way too many photos and videos from those shows, so I'll make a separate post.)

The day after my mom went back home was Kelsie's last band Christmas concert. It was the last time I will hear her play It Is Well (the band usually plays it TO the seniors at the spring concert).  There are so many "lasts" and each one is starting to feel heavier than the one before.

I want to stop being stressed and overwhelmed by life. I want to stop coughing. I want our cars to stop breaking down. I want to stop worrying about money (hello Christmas!). I want time with my family, to enjoy simple things like Christmas lights and watching a movie. I want to soak in every "last" that comes our way with Kelsie these next six months, and not cry over every single one. I want peace.

I want to have a merry Christmas, and I 100% want 2024 to be a happy new year for my family.

Kicking Cancer's Ass - day 3722

This is a cry for help...if you are the mom of a son who has grown up and spread his wings to start his life separate from the life he's always lived with you... how do you handle it?

I'm failing. Epically.

Today Hubby and I helped J moved to Aledo, which is two hours away. It might as well be on the moon for how far away he seems. I've basically been crying for 24 hours straight. My heart is broken. I'm embarrassed to say that I'm being 1000% selfish, because there is NO WAY that my sadness should eclipse my happiness for him. But right now that sadness is hanging over my head like a big, big, BIG black cloud and I don't know how to get out from under it.

I know that this is part of life. He's almost 22 years old. He's ready to be out on his own, finding his own way, making his own path to a happy life. I just don't know how to wrap my heart around the fact that his new happy life does not coexist with my every day happy life... and that makes me very unhappy.

I look at this picture, when Jared was just two days old, and I can't even IMAGINE that I just left him on his own two hours away in a town where he doesn't know anyone. Hubby calls J a "mama's boy", and he's right. From day one he has been the light of my life. I have absolutely loved being a mom... being his mom... Kelsie is Daddy's little girl. Jared is my guy.  

Logically I know I'm still his mom. And he'll probably always be a "mama's boy". But I feel like I lost a part of me today. I won't get to see him every day (it will be weeks or months). I won't get to cook him dinner or share my leftovers. I won't get to have breakfast dates on a random work day or pop in to his RV in front of the house to say hi. I won't be there to help him when he's sick or hurt or just feeling sad. I won't be able to call him to ask for yet another favor. To be honest, I don't know how to come to terms with the fact that I am now a mother without a "job" where he is concerned. I know he will still need my guidance and advice, and I know he will always need my love. But he doesn't need ME.

The problem is, I still need him. 

Eventually I will have to figure out how to get over myself and just be HAPPY that my son is going out into the world to chase his dream. Isn't that what every mother wants? Jared has been in love with trains his whole life. He would scream every time I'd make him leave the train table at Toys R Us. He became the youngest member of Abilene's model railroad club at age 8. He just resigned as president last week because he's moving. For his senior trip I took him on an overnight Amtrak ride to the National Transportation Museum in St. Louis. He never wanted to go to college and had no interest in pursuing any other career.

For YEARS, it has been Jared's dream to go work for the railroad. Being a conductor and eventually an engineer is all he's ever wanted to do. He applied for a train crew job a few months ago (which is training for conductor and then later on engineer) and was offered the job. Unfortunately the semi-local training class at the location where he was hired filled up before all of his paperwork was cleared, so the only other option was to take the next training class in Fort Worth.

Despite my sadness, I am ridiculously overjoyed that he is finally, finally able to start working towards his dream job. There is nothing in the world I would want to get in the way of that... especially myself. Even though it means a lot of changes (quitting a longtime job, moving to a new city, temporary long-distance relationship with his girlfriend), he is excited and beyond ready to take this next step.

There has been a lot of "heavy" in my life lately, so this day, this emotional blow, feels like a knockout punch.  Jared is the kindest, most caring and thoughtful and generous young man. He's smart and quirky and funny and loyal to a fault. He has the longest eyelashes you've ever seen and he gives the best hugs. I just miss him so much already. And I need guidance on how to ease into this new normal. Because right now none of this feels normal at all and my heart just hurts.

I pray that Jared and Ripley have the most fun starting this new chapter. I hope that his job is everything he always dreamed it would be. I hope that he loves living where he is. I hope that he makes friends. I hope that he's not lonely. I hope Brooke goes to stay with him often. I hope he stays safe and healthy and happy. 

He's a hard worker and doesn't ask for much, so supporting him in this one thing that he's always dreamed of doing needs to be my focus now. If you're reading this, please just pray that I can move past the broken heart of an empty nest mom and learn how to be the mom he needs me to be now.

Jared, I love you so much. You're an amazing young man and I'm so proud of you for taking this opportunity. I will pray daily for you to be safe, content and fulfilled. And I will miss you more than you could ever know. You're my best guy. xoxo

Kicking cancer's ass - day 3626

 

Ten years ago today, I received the phone call nobody wants to answer.  

I remember that day so vividly... I already knew, the minute I found the lump weeks earlier, that it was cancer.  That phone call was just a formality, diagnosis confirmed after testing.  

Even though I knew, I still wasn't prepared to hear "You have cancer".  

August 2013 is a complete blur to me.  I was an emotional wreck.  I couldn't talk to anyone on the phone, not even my mother.  My poor husband had to be the go-between for all of my doctor appointments because I couldn't even handle that.  Telling my kids that I had cancer was the single worst day of my life.

The only thing that broke through my fog of misery, the only person who I allowed to reach me, was my dear friend Allyson.  She had been fighting her own cancer battle for YEARS, and she knew exactly what to say and how to say it.  I am forever grateful to her for that conversation, and all of the ones that followed, because she taught me how to hold on to my faith in the middle of a war.

The last ten years have not been easy.  At age 40 I was diagnosed with Stage III invasive, aggressive breast cancer, and I was positive for the BRCA2 gene mutation (which puts me at higher risk for a lot of other cancers).  I had sixteen weeks of chemo, thirty-three days of radiation and twelve surgeries.  I have been on Tamoxifen, an estrogen blocker, since 2014.  I will probably be on it indefinitely.

My body and my emotions have taken a beating, and there are scars, but I am SO GRATEFUL to be able to say I am a TEN year survivor.

This is what ten years of fighting cancer looks like:

July 2013... in the best shape of my life. I would be a
cancer patient a few weeks later.

My first birthday after cancer... in between chemo & radiation. 
First major surgery done.

I lost my friend Allyson later that  year.

Cancer treatment DONE.  Reconstruction DONE.  
Hysterectomy DONE.

Three years after diagnosis... almost back to "normal".

I lost Barbara, my BFF's mom, my second mom, that year.

FU cancer.

Cancer is the gift that keeps on giving...
lymphedema never gets better, never goes away.

This is my new normal.

I lost my BFF to breast cancer right after my birthday in 2018.
Pink out has a whole different meaning to me.

We had almost the exact same diagnosis.

I lost my brother that year... but gained this little buddy.

I honestly did not know if I would be alive to see my kids graduate when the time came.
Little did I know, cancer wouldn't be the problem.  COVID was.

Celebrating 20 years with this man... the most incredible trip ever.

St Thomas, USVI  October 2021

Pink hair for October. 

I lost my dad early last year.

This is 50.  This is a decade of life after cancer.

This is 10 years of surviving everything cancer has thrown at me.

I have the best husband.

I have the most amazing children. 

I am blessed with fabulous friends.

Cancer tried to kill me ten years ago.

I'm still winning.

If you're in my corner, you mean more to me than you will ever know, and I could NOT do one day of this stupid journey without you.  

Kicking cancer's ass - day 3563

 

Do you know what the name Kelsie means?

According to Google, and American Baby Names, It means "Brave".

It also means "Victorious ship", but that's kinda weird. 

Do you know what the name Kelsie means to me?

It means joy.  

It means loyalty.

It means fun.

It means fearless.

It means laughter.

It means beauty.

It means faith.

It means drama.

It means light.

It means marching to the beat of your own drum.

(This font I'm using is called "Indie flower", which is the perfect description for Kelsie.)

Over the last seventeen years, our Kelsie has done some pretty amazing things.

• She excels at school (when she wants to make the effort).
• She learned to play the clarinet and bass clarinet.
• She goes away to church camp every summer and it's the best week of the year for her.
• She played a dozen years of fastpitch softball, half of those as a pitcher.
• She played basketball.
• She fell asleep in the middle of her first Taylor Swift concert.  And her second.  And a Dallas Cowboys game.
• She played tennis.
• She flies by the seat of her pants and enjoys every second.
• She has been a part of the varsity cast for theatre since freshman year.
• She has made a lot of friends and lost some really close friends.
• She sang the national anthem in public.
• She texts with the spelling of a first grader.  Decifering "Kelsie speak" is my new talent.
• She has competed in Prose and Poetry and UIL writing for school.
• She has been baptized -twice.  Once as a baby, and once as her choice to accept Jesus.
• She joined the worship team at church.
• She participates in Destination Imagination, going to Globals this year for the third time.
• She became mascot for her upcoming senior year... something she's always wanted to do. 
• She leads a life group at church.
• She has learned to rollerblade, shoot a gun, ride a horse and drive a car.
• She learned to fish (and liked it).
• She somehow always becomes her teachers' favorite even though she's not a very good student.
• She has a crush on a different boy every week, but she is steadfast in her loyalty to friends.
• She loves animals, Taylor Swift, hanging out at Sonic, and selfies.
• She earned a trophy for tractor pull at the local fair.
• She has played the leg lamp in A Christmas Story, had her neck broken in Of Mice and Men, rocked blue hair as Flounder in the Little Mermaid and won best supporting actress for Summer in School of Rock.  She has been in Grease, Seussical, Puffs, Edward Tulane, A Monster Calls, A Storm in the Barn, Beauty and the Beast and Camp Rock.  (I've probably forgotten a few)

To say there is never a dull moment when she's around is an understatement.

Kelsie is one of those rare, bright, sparkly unicorns that makes the world a better place because she's in it.  She is sunshine and glitter and the definition of a hot mess.  She is 100% a daddy's girl.

She's also my little broke BFF, my ride or die, my concert buddy, and the most incredible daughter I never knew I wanted.

Today, on National Creativity Day, we celebrate our brave, kind, talented, creative, and gorgeous inside AND out social butterfly better known as Kelbert.

Happy 17th birthday baby girl.  You're the BEST.KELSIE.EVER.  

(I don't care what Shoemake says)