Sometimes I struggle.
I struggle with the physical changes cancer has given me. I'm tired. I hurt. I don't look the same, I don't feel the same. I take medicine to keep cancer away, but I hate the way it makes me feel.
-I need to remember that God created me to be me. Michelle IS much more than just a name.
I struggle with feeling inadequate. I've never been one of the "popular kids". I'm a loner, a bookworm who shies away from attention. People don't gravitate towards me. I often feel like I want more from people than they want to give, and I feel like I want friendship with people more than they want it from me.
-I need to remember that there's nothing wrong with giving someone the best of me, even if they don't appreciate it.
I struggle with letting life overwhelm me. Sometimes I feel like it's all I can do to keep my head above water, and I feel like the ones I love the most are the ones who suffer. It feels like a lame excuse when I say I can't, or I'm tired, or I forget something important, when in reality it's just me trying to keep everyone happy while doing everything I'm supposed to be doing.
-I need to remember that I deserve special treatment, even from myself.
Sometimes I struggle with who I have become. Surviving cancer is exhausting. I'm grouchy and forgetful and short-tempered and easily annoyed. I'm impatient, scatterbrained and lazy. Sometimes it seems like the fun, giving, organized, capable Michelle is a thing of the past. Sometimes even I don't like me.... so how can I expect others to?
-I need to remember to give myself a break. While one thousand three hundred seventy-eight days is a long time, in the grand scheme of fighting cancer, it's not. I'm a toddler in terms of cancer survivorship, so I can forgive myself for not having it all figured out.
I don't put a whole lot of stock in horoscopes or zodiac signs..... but I like this. I don't always believe all of it, but I want to look in the mirror and see all of these traits staring back at me.
I know this post is different from what I usually write about. I'm not here today to discuss a medical procedure, or post pictures of pink ribbons and talk about how every day is a gift. Today I need to keep it real.....I love every day because every day since August 1, 2013 is a bonus day for me. But just because I love every day doesn't mean every day is a good day.
I need to remember that it's ok to have a pity party every now and then. It's ok to have a bad day, to not want to do something, to forget to call someone back. It's not the end of the world if I can't be all that I used to be.... or even all that I want to be. All I can do is give my best, take care of myself, treat others how I'd like to be treated and live each day the best I can.