So I'm wide awake at almost 1am. This time it's not because I can't fall asleep. It's because I DID fall asleep. I had a headache and felt "off" this afternoon, so I slept like the dead for about three hours. Rest I needed, sure, but waking up at 7pm means I'm still awake in the wee hours.
Hubby teased me about sleeping "all day", and even made the comment "who are you?" when he and K came home from basketball practice. I know he was just giving me a hard time, but I also know there's a part of him that meant it. He's probably so sick of my drama. He has to be, because I'M so sick of it. If I'm not at a doctor's appointment, I'm worrying about a symptom that's prompting me to make an appointment. I'm not sleeping at night, I'm tired and napping during the day, I have no energy to do the stuff I used to do. My back hurts, my knees crack, my left arm swells during the night. I can't even joke "Not tonight, I have a headache" because most of the time I DO have a headache! Who wants to live with that 24/7?
Honestly, he got the short end of the stick when he married me. I've forced the "in sickness and in health" vow on him to the millionth degree. So on top of all of the other post-cancer crap, I'm dealing with worry and guilt over not being the wife I want to be, and not being the mom I want to be for my kids. It has been 883 days since my first chemo treatment. That's a lot of freaking days. I've been through a lot, no doubt about it, but I'm here, I'm alive and well and I'm blessed with family and friends. So why is everything so incredibly hard??? Sometimes I feel like I was stronger, happier and more together in the middle of chemo than I am now. I am a cancer survivor. I tell myself I should be treasuring every day and just be happy I'm alive.
Yet I'm constantly overwhelmed. My former perfectionist OCD multitasking expert self is nowhere to be found. The shelves in my living room are still empty of our belongings two weeks after the carpet guy finished. One of these days I would like to reclaim my laundry room, but I just can't seem to summon the energy to open the storage tubs full of knick knacks and photo albums. More often than not we eat out because I either can't remember to plan ahead or can't find the energy to cook. I stress over making healthy choices about eating because there are so many things I love that are bad for you. I'd love to lose the thirty pounds I've gained, but it's hard to find motivation when fatigue is my constant companion and every joint in my body hurts. I want to be the fun, spontaneous mom that makes childhood a magical time for her kids, and yet I'm just not her. I want to be the sweet, caring woman that my husband fell in love with all those years ago.... not the tired, grumpy, complaining person I am now. I haven't talked to my BFF in months. Not because I don't want to, because I forget to call. I want to do more. I want to be more.
I found a great blog by Debbie Woodbury called "Running on Empty - Coping with Cancer Stress"
She describes everything I'm feeling so perfectly. It's worth a read.
But it doesn't feel like my best is enough. *I* don't feel like enough.
I feel like I'm letting my husband down. I feel like I'm letting my kids down. Even after 883 days, cancer is draining me.
I'm running on empty.