"The goal is to live a full productive life, even with all that ambiguity. No matter what happens, whether the cancer never flares up again or whether you die, the important thing is the days that you have had, you will have lived." - Gilda Radner
One of my KCA friends posted this on Facebook today, and it really struck a chord with me. I've been struggling for some time with fear, worrying that everything that's wrong with me is cancer sneaking up on me again. It doesn't take much to convince myself that my bones and joints don't ache because of the Arimidex, they hurt because they are being overrun by cancer cells. When I wake up with a bad headache, it's probably a brain tumor. Blurry vision is not a leftover gift from chemo, it's the other "c" word.
I could go on and on.
But you know what? Screw that. I'm going to take a page from Gilda Radner's book and I'm going to try to focus on living instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I doubt I'll be able to completely eliminate the fear, but maybe I can work on being too busy to worry all that much.
I don't know if I have two months or forty years left in my life, so I don't want to take a single minute for granted.
Tonight I came out of the bathroom to find K sitting on my bed with her doll Emma - waiting for me. She asked me if she could show me how to do Emma's hair. My initial reaction was to say "maybe later", but I caught myself. In that minute, my little girl asking for my attention was way more important than my book and the couch that were calling my name.
I now know how to do a fishtail braid.