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I've learned that who you have in your life matters more than what you have.
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Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Kicking cancer's ass - day 718

Insomniac blogging...

Tonight (or should I say last night, since it's 12:15am?) I had the worst headache I've had in years.  Almost two years, to be exact - when I had the WORST.HEADACHE.EVER after my first chemo and I ended up in the emergency room.  

Thankfully I didn't end up in tears - or the emergency room - tonight, especially since Hubby is away for work.  It did take some heavy-duty pain meds and lots of chocolate to dull the migraine, though, and I'll probably wake up tomorrow feeling like someone took a 2x4 to the back of my head.

Speaking of headaches....I've been a little worried lately because I've had a headache almost every single day since we got home from New York (a week ago).  I want to blame it on Tamoxifen (I'm not supposed to take it for a few days when I fly, so I was off it, on again, off again and now back on, and it really does a number on you with side effects when you do that).  I also want to blame it on allergies now that I'm back in lovely west Texas.  I could also blame it on the heat, because I went from waking up to temperatures in the 50s in NY to Texas in August, which means almost 100 degrees every damn day.  

However, I had cancer.  So you know what that means.  Pain, especially something out of the ordinary that doesn't go away - or keeps coming back- equals something to worry about.


I honestly think, though, that most of the headaches I've been having are tension headaches.  I know for a fact tonight's was.  You'd think I would be nice and relaxed, right?  It's summertime, we just got back from vacation, I've been out of work for over two weeks..... and yet I ended up with a killer migraine.  

One of the things I love the most, that I spend the most time on, is causing me a lot of stress lately.  What's the problem?  I'm a pleaser.  I want everyone to be happy.  I want everyone to get along.  I want everyone to do things for the right reasons.  And yet they don't.  People let attitudes and immaturity and spite get in the way of the bigger picture, and it's hurting me and those close to me.  

You would think that at the ripe old age of 42 I would learn not to take people at face value anymore.  I think my "friends" really are my friends.  Just because someone smiles at me doesn't mean they like me.  People rarely do what they say or say what they mean.  I don't have a mean-spirited bone in my body, though.  I keep looking for the positives, giving people the benefit of the doubt, and I probably always will.

That's probably something I should be proud of, but right now, tonight, I'm sick of the selfish, dog-eat-dog world we live in.  People waste so much time and energy on things that don't really matter.  I've spent over 700 days with the knowledge that I had cancer.  SEVEN HUNDRED.  For every one of those days, I've worried that I could still have cancer, or that I could have it again.  My life will never be the same.  THAT is the kind of thing that matters, that's worth getting upset over.  Life is too damn short.

Good thing it's past my bedtime or I might start looking for that stress ball.

Tomorrow I'll have my cancer ass-kicking mojo back.
And I hopefully won't have a headache.

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