Kicking cancer's ass - day 2623

 

2020 sucks.  I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.  
I'm usually a glass half full kinda girl, but lately I'm just... not.

It's driving me crazy.  I don't know if it's that this year and all of the stress and worry is finally getting to me, or if I'm just going through a rough patch.  Whatever it is, I DO NOT LIKE IT.

I should be wearing green every day, because I'm finding myself very envious lately.  Don't get me wrong, I'm blessed and I know it.  I survived a beast that tried to kill me.  I have a loving family and small group of friends who would do anything for me.  I have a cozy home, a brand new car, two kids who make my heart so happy and a husband who holds my heart in his hands.

But.... but....

I'm envious of people who went through what I did and didn't end up with lymphedema.  I'm envious of ladies who can wear cute tank tops or short sleeve shirts.  I'm envious of everyone who does not have one ugly arm.  I'm envious of people who had surgery for lymphedema and it WORKED.  I'm envious of people who don't even know what cellulitis is, let alone have to worry about it.  I'm envious of everyone who does not have to deal with this condition 24/7 for the rest of their life.

I'm envious of people who live in beautiful areas.  An author I follow on Facebook walks down to her pond every day to feed the fish.  Another posts her "writing view" pics of gorgeous Lake Tahoe.  Other friends post pictures of walks they take, bike rides, visits to the coast.... and I am envious!  I wouldn't trade my life with Hubby and the kids for anything.  But where I live is not pretty to me.  I have no desire to get out an "enjoy" the nature I'm surrounded by.  I grew up in upstate NY in the Catskill mountains.  I lived in South Carolina for five years, two hours from the ocean.  For the last two decades I have lived in godforsakenwesttexas.  I can't even take my dog for a walk without driving somewhere because there are cars going 75mph on the highway in front of my house.  (Don't get me wrong... there are a lot of things I love about Texas... but the scenery is not one of them)

I'm envious of couples with couples friends.  I'm not saying Hubby and I don't have friends.  We do.  Many good ones.  But for some reason we aren't the couple people socialize with.  Maybe I'm too much of an introvert.  Maybe we like other people more than they like us.  I don't know.  There are so many posts on social media today from people's Halloween parties... from families to adult friends dressed up to softball teams going all out.  And I just feel left out.  Sometimes I wish Hubby and I were the ones invited.  (I realize we couldn't socialize even if we wanted to right now... Hubby has COVID so he's in isolation and we are quarantined....but my feelings go beyond Halloween parties.)

I'm envious of people who live near their families.  I'm extremely blessed that both of my parents are alive and well, even after cancer and a heart attack and a stroke!  But they live in New York.  The only way I can see my dad is if I go there.  My mom usually comes every Thanksgiving for Jared's birthday, but not this year (thank you COVID).  My only sibling, my big brother, passed away 20 months ago.  Even though he didn't live near me, he was always just a phone call away. 

I'm envious of people who sleep well.  I've always been a night owl and I don't mind that.  But since I was diagnosed with cancer seven years ago, between the anxiety and the meds and my restless legs, I don't sleep.  Last night, even though we turned the clocks back so there was an extra hour to the night, I slept a whopping 5 hours and 50 minutes.  And that's actually a good night for me.  

I know this sounds like one big pity party, and maybe it is.  Sometimes you just have to let it all out.  I miss my friends who moved away.  I miss my BFF who is no longer with us.  I miss the pre-COVID days when we didn't have all of this WORRY.  I usually don't get into politics, but I'm very anxious about the upcoming presidential election.  I miss my Hubby who is living the bachelor life in our RV while he isolates because of COVID.  Even though I can still see him (from a distance) and talk to him, I just want a HUG!  I want to sleep in the same bed with him and watch tv shows with him and go out to eat.  I'm sad that my son is missing his girlfriend and he can't go to work.  I'm sad that my daughter, my very SOCIAL daughter, is having to miss out on things and stay away from her friends.  

Yesterday I took my car to the car wash, just so I could get out.  That should tell you everything you need to know about my state of mind these days...