Breast cancer is such a lonely journey.
I know that's a crazy thing to say when I'm surrounded by people who love and support me and I'm almost never alone. But all the hugs and cards and prayers in the world don't erase the fact that this is happening to me. Since finishing chemo last week you'd think I'd be on top of the world. Instead I seem to have hit some kind of wall where I'm physically exhausted and emotionally wrung out.
I'm finding it more and more difficult to keep my happy face on. I know people don't expect me to be positive and upbeat all of the time, but the one thing I don't want to be is a "woe is me" cancer patient. I have cancer and it sucks, but life goes on. I think a healthy attitude plays a big part in being healthy, so I try to take each day as it comes and live life the best I can. People are used to seeing me with a smile on my face, and I'm used to seeing myself with a smile on my face.
I know the chemo effects are cumulative - I've been through the ringer and I'm definitely feeling it. Even though I tolerated the treatments very well, putting my body through eight rounds of chemo has taken its toll. I think there must be some sort of chemo "crash", too, because I haven't been this emotional since the days after I was first diagnosed.
I hate being weak. I hate being tired. I hate being in pain. I hate being afraid. I hate being sad.
I hate cancer.
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