Kicking cancer's ass - day 2531

On Feb 2, 1973 I earned the title "daughter".

On Oct 15, 2001 I earned the title "wife".

On Nov 28, 2001 I earned the title "mom".

On Aug 1, 2013 I earned the title "breast cancer survivor".

Seven years ago today, I heard the dreaded words "you have cancer".  

I knew it before the doctor called, but I can still hear her voice on the phone telling me "it's not good."

Most people I know count their "survivorship" time from when they had surgery, or when they finished chemotherapy.... some point that they can say their cancer was gone.

Maybe I'm superstitious, but I have never tried to figure out a date to mark when I became cancer free.  Supposedly after sixteen weeks of chemo treatments, the cancer was on its way out.  Surely after my surgery, it was gone.  And just in case, I'm pretty sure 33 radiation treatments probably killed any that was left.  

However, even now, after so many years, there's always the worry that there's some little tiny evil cancer cell lurking somewhere in my body, making me NOT cancer free.  

My breast surgeon told me that the day I was diagnosed, I became a survivor.  So instead of counting my cancer-free days, I count the days of being a survivor.

Cancer changes a person.  Fear takes over your life.  Your future becomes unknown.

You stop taking things for granted.  

"Yesterday's the past, tomorrow's the future, but today is a GIFT. 

That's why it's called the present."

Every day is a gift.  Even the ones where I was sick, or bald, or in pain.  Even the ones where I didn't recognize myself in the mirror.  Even the ones where I couldn't eat.  Even the ones where I had to drive three hours for yet another doctor appointment.  Even the ones where I had to undergo yet another surgery (eight and counting).  Even the days where I thought "I just can't".... it turns out I could!

Life after cancer is different, but it can be glorious.

Seven years ago, I was so incredibly afraid that my husband and kids were going to have to say goodbye to me.  I was so afraid that I was going to miss out on so much of their childhood.  Seven years ago I never would've believed that I'd be around to see my son graduate high school.  Seven years ago I never expected I'd be here alive and well to enjoy all of my daughter's high school "firsts".   Seven years ago I never would have imagined having the time to drag Hubby to the beach for a week's vacation!

My mind isn't as sharp and my attention span is zilch (thank you, chemo brain).  

My body is scarred, and doesn't look or feel the same.  

I developed lymphedema (swelling which requires constant compression) thanks to the removal of all of the lymph nodes under my arm during my mastectomy.

My joints hurt, I can't sleep well and my restless legs are worse than ever.

I still have multiple doctor appointments every year, and "scanxiety" is very much a real thing.

The fear is always there.  My mother-in-law was cancer-free for ten years before she passed away when it returned.  My "second mom" Barb thought she had "beat" it.  My BFF Trudy certainly didn't expect it to come back and take her life before she turned 50.  

Maybe my time is limited...or maybe I'll live to be a very old woman.

Only God knows.  All I know is that I'll continue to kick cancer's ass every single day.  

I'm proud of myself, and I'm so grateful for everyone who has gotten me through the last seven years.  My hubby has been my rock.  My kids are the most resilient and thoughtful human beings.  My friends have stepped up whenever I needed them to.  And my mother has been my biggest cheerleader.  I couldn't do this without my village.   

Kicking cancer's ass - day 2468

In the blink of an eye, my daughter went from this:

and this:

and this: 

to this:

and this:

and this:

Today my little girl is not so little anymore.  It is her fourteenth birthday.  She is going into high school next year.  She spends more time with her friends - on the phone and in person - then her parents.  It's such a bittersweet time.  I adore the young lady she is growing into SO MUCH, but I sometimes really, really miss when she was little, taking a bath in the sink or eating bluebonnets during a photo shoot.  

Over the years, though, K may have grown taller and smarter and more beautiful, but there are so many things that have remained the same.  

She is genuine, and genuinely sweet.  There is not a mean bone in this girl's body.

She loves animals.  She has a bond with Dexter like I've never seen.  She was so devoted to our cats Pumpkin and Shadow.  She loves horses and birds and turtles and all of God's living creatures (except for monkeys.... they give her the creeps).  She is sensitive and feels things very deeply.  She cried for an hour after her goldfish from the fair died.  She loves everyone and wants everyone to love her.  She has excellent taste in friends and I'm so grateful that the girls she's chosen to travel the high school journey with are as smart, sweet and fun as she is.

For a long time I always joked that J should have been Uncle Darren's son.  There were a lot of years where he was very much like his uncle.  As he's matured, he has become more reserved and introverted.  His sister, on the other hand, has taken on my brother's outgoing personality.  She loves to be the center of attention, she loves to laugh, and she loves to be surrounded by her friends.  Her social life puts mine to shame!

K is the definition of a well-rounded teenager.  She plays bass clarinet and looks forward to marching band in the fall.  She starred in a one act play (with a British accent) and earned a best actress award.  She tangoed across the stage as the leg lamp in A Christmas Story.  When she was 6 years old, she volunteered to play catcher on her softball team.... a position at that age nobody wants.  During one tournament she played five games in a row in over 100 degree heat, and added a bee sting to the mix.  When she reached the age of kid pitch, she decided she wanted to be a pitcher.  For the last ten years, one of the greatest joys of my life has been watching her do her thing on the softball field.  For the last two years she has played tennis for her school, and she will continue that in high school.  Her creativity and work ethic in Destination Imagination is impressive.  Sometimes she gets annoyed, sometimes she doesn't get to do what she wants to do, but she always come through for her team.  Like at this year's tournament when she was feeling very sick all day, but she dug deep and gave incredible performances, earning her a "most valuable chicken" t-shirt from her team.

K's name means "brave".  Whether it's going through with riding a zip line, with tears going down your face, even though you were so scared, or pushing through the pain and pitching an entire game with a hurt ankle or injured knee, you never cease to amaze me.  A few months ago I sat outside the curtain at your school when you auditioned for the spring musical.  I couldn't see you, but I could hear you.  You chose to sing a song without music.... just you and your sweet voice.  Never in my life did I have that kind of confidence.  You live up to the meaning of your name every single day.

One of the best parts of you is how much you make us laugh.  Your quirks, your jokes, your silly accents, your selfies, your blonde moments... life is never boring with you around!  I love your sparkle.  I love that you are right at home in cleats and batting gloves, but also in blinged up cowgirl boots and makeup.  You're my concert buddy and my pedicure date.  You are the only person I know who can sleep through a Dallas Cowboys game and not one but TWO Taylor Swift concerts.  Since 2006 you have been dancing in the rain, taking goofy selfies, fearlessly riding roller coasters and joyfully living life OUT LOUD.

I never imagined how much having a daughter would mean to me, and I had no idea how much I long every day to always be your best friend.  

I have been kicking cancer's ass for 2,449 days, and one of the main reasons I will never stop fighting is for you.  I'm so grateful that I have been given these last 2,449 days with you, and I can not wait to see the beautiful person you keep growing up to be.  

 

Happy 14th birthday K.  I love you big.