Survivor guilt: a particular type of guilt that may develop in people who have survived a life-threatening situation. Individuals who believe it is unfair that they survived when others died.
As a cancer patient, and now a cancer survivor, I have had plenty of "why me?" moments. I don't think there's a person alive who is diagnosed with cancer and doesn't at least THINK those words. Since day one I have tried to not have too many woe is me moments. I'm not the first 40 year old woman to get breast cancer. I'm not the first mother of young children to lose her hair, her breasts, her normal life. I'm not the first wife to ask awful, stressful, even disgusting things of her spouse in the course of cancer treatment.
Been there, done that, and so have many women before me.
I'm also not the first cancer survivor to lose friends and/or family members to the disease and ask that same question. Why me?
The real question, though, isn't "why me?". It's "why THEM?"
I've written a lot about my friend Allyson. She was my very first mommy friend here in Abilene. She passed away from ovarian cancer four years ago. Why HER?
Allyson was the most devoted wife and mother. Ever. Seriously, she put most of us to shame. She was kind, loving, funny, creative and faithful. She was the best Christian woman I knew, so I'm not surprised that God wanted her with Him. What I can't understand was why someone like her was taken away from her three boys at such a young age.
You all know I lost my BFF this year. Like Allyson, Trudy fought a long battle with cancer. She had survived cervical cancer and made it to the five year mark after her breast cancer diagnosis.... so why HER? Trudy lived for her children. She LIVED for them. She was the most unselfish person I've ever known. She would do anything for someone she loved, and almost anything for someone she didn't love. She was always up for anything. She loved her friends, she loved her husband, and she really, really loved her kids.
Two of the best friends a girl could ever ask for..... taken way to soon. WHY THEM????
I've mentioned my KCA sisters before. We are a group of women who underwent cancer treatment at the same time (starting in Aug/Sept of 2013). We started as a group on breastcancer.org, and have since moved to a Facebook group. We have 47 members, but probably only about half that many post on a regular basis. Some of us have met others in the group in person and formed even closer friendships. Most have not. But we are sisters. We were in the trenches together when we were all at our lowest. We encouraged each other. We prayed for each other. We laughed with each other. We for sure cried with each other.
Shortly after our group moved to Facebook, we lost our first sister. Lynn.... a.k.a. "VintageGal" became sick very suddenly, and passed away way too quickly. It was a blow to our group.... the first one of us to lose the fight.
Last year we lost another sister. Nichole was a loving wife and friend. She taught yoga, rode horses and ran half marathons. I met her in Vegas when our KCA group got together the year before.
And now..... we are losing another.
This is Stacey:
Beautiful. Young. Vibrant. Smart. Funny.
Dying.
Stacey has been fighting a breast cancer recurrence since the stupid disease came back in her CHEEK! Seriously.
She has been honest and forthright about her battle, keeping us updated about everything she's going through.... until she couldn't.
We learned today from one of her friends that Stacey is at home in hospice care.
Why HER??????
Don't get me wrong, I am so damn grateful that I wake up breathing and healthy every day. I cherish every single band concert, softball game and dinner date that I get to have with my family. I don't ever feel that I shouldn't be a survivor because so many others that I know were not. I don't ever ask "why me?" in terms of me being alive.... but I do ask "why them?" every time I'm faced with the loss of someone else I care about.
Frankly it's getting old.
I don't know why a thirty-something mother who teaches preschool and loves Jesus ends up dying.
I don't know why a forty-something mother who gives everything and expects nothing ends up dying.
I don't know why a young woman endures cancer treatment and the death of her husband, only to suffer more and end up dying.
Why?
WHY?????
There are no answers. There are no words.
Just tears. And prayers.
