My thoughts are heavy, my soul is weary. I am afraid, but I will not be silent. I found these pictures and felt like they were urging me to "keep speaking".... as in, get everything out of my head and put my feelings into words.
So.... since it's 1:04am, I guess this is another Insomniac Blogging entry.
Before I begin - a disclaimer: If you've seen some of my posts on Facebook lately, I want you to know that I am fine. There's a lot of crap happening, but not to me. Hubby, the kids, the parents... they are all fine.
But...
I'll start with the bad news. (And no, there isn't good news. Just bad, worse and the absolute worst.) 😟 Someone that my family knows recently committed suicide. This person was only fifteen years old. Same age as my son. My heart aches for the family, and for the fact that a young person with their whole life ahead of them felt like there was no hope and their only option was to give up. Since we knew this person, and will still see their family, that is a conversation I will have to have with my children. I am NOT looking forward to it.
The worse news? Hubby's longtime friend is ill. Seriously ill. Dangerously ill. He was taken by helicopter to Dallas for a heart transplant, but a whole host of other medical issues are going to prevent that. His daughter and son are emotionally worn out and physically exhausted. Hubby's friend is scared and confused, and facing an uncertain future. It's a bad situation all the way around. We've known this family for a long, long time. It hurts to see them going through this and knowing there's nothing we can do except pray for them.
And now for the very worst. Someone close to me, someone who had breast cancer before, is once again facing the beast. And if you know anything at all about cancer, you know that if it comes back, it's almost always worse. It is worse this time. I wish I could hit something or cry or scream or SOMEthing. But honestly I'm just numb. I can't wrap my brain around the news.
I was asked tonight if I have survivor's guilt. I've never really felt that way before.
I think I do now.
There are several women in my breast cancer support group (who were sick the same time I was) who have been diagnosed again since then. They have faced more surgeries, more chemo, and have gone through the terrible physical and emotional toll all over again. One lovely lady didn't survive more than a few months the second time. But I don't think I've ever really thought "why them and not me?" I've tried to lend moral support, wisdom, love and strength, and I've prayed for healing for all of my friends. But this latest news has crushed me. I'm absolutely devastated that this amazing person who means so much to me is going through this. And I'm so scared. So scared for her, and (selfishly) so scared for me, because now I am asking "why her and not me?".
They say bad things happen in threes..... and I hope that's true. Because after three instances of really bad news in one week, my heart can't take any more.
I'm doing my best to have faith in God. I know He can perform miracles. I know He has a plan. I know He loves us and is in control. (All wise words of my hero Allyson Hendrickson, by the way.)
I just hope he will answer my prayers.
I pray for A's family as they deal with the unexpected loss of such a remarkable young person.
I pray for D and his family as they work to get him stronger so his health will improve.
Most of all, I pray for my friend. I pray for healing. I pray for a medical team to have compassion and knowledge and to find any medical advances in cancer treatment that may help her beat the odds. I pray for her emotional well being and I pray for her body's ability to endure chemotherapy again. I pray for her family and everyone who loves her.
I pray for miracles.
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