Kicking cancer's ass - day 966

This is sooooooooooooo true.

I am forty-three years old but I walk around feeling like a woman twice my age.

Today I have a headache.  A pain pill and a nap helped this afternoon, but now it's back.  I blame the weather.  It has been rainy and humid and damp and gray and gloomy.... off an on for over a week.  (I know I have no business complaining about the rain when Houston and other parts of Texas are under water, but still.)

I'm taking a self-imposed hiatus from the medicine that causes my joint pain.  It's also the medicine that is supposed to help keep cancer away, but my body needs a break from hurting.  I was on Arimidex for several months and the side effects were awful.  Everything hurt all of the time.  I had insomnia almost every night.  Restless legs, weight gain, hair loss, the list goes on and on.

I asked my oncologist if there was something else I could try, so he gave me a different pill (same family of meds, just a different kind).  I've been on that for a month and haven't noticed any improvement.  Joint pain is the same, fatigue is debilitating, I still can't sleep - AND this medicine is $75 a month.  Uh, no thanks.  I sent my doctor a message last week explaining that this was not working.  He was out until today, but the nurse said to go down to every other day or even stop taking it completely until she talks to him.  I just sent another message asking if she's followed up with him.  

I don't want to face cancer again.  I don't want to do ANYTHING to increase my risk of cancer coming back.  But I don't know if I can go on like this for the next 5-7 years.  My knees crack every time I bend them.  Sometimes I have to take stairs one at a time like a toddler because it hurts too much.  My knuckles swell and ache in the morning - I haven't been able to get my rings off in weeks. I'm so tired all of the time, yet when I got to bed I toss and turn, alternate between sweating and freezing, and then my legs AND arms get too restless to lay there. 

I take my vitamins.  I try to eat well.  I have been walking a lot lately, which is about the only exercise I can tolerate.  And yet I always feel awful.  Something's gotta give.  I hope my doctor gets back to me tomorrow with a solution so I can get back to feeling somewhat like me again.

Speaking of tomorrow.... I have an appointment for an ultrasound (of my nonexistent female parts, which is interesting).  The biopsy I had in Dallas a couple of weeks ago came back benign, which is GREAT.  So hopefully this scan is just overkill and there will be nothing to find.  Any prayers and good thoughts would be appreciated.  And one the subject of scans.... my mom had a CT scan this morning, so send some good "clean scans" thoughts her way, too.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 953

Life's a bitch.

Sorry, but there's just no other way to say it.  Sometimes you coast along with the sun on your face, the wind at your back with every day full of joy.
Other times you are crashing into the waves head first and you can't even tread water.

My good run of bad luck started last Friday.  I went in for my annual (female) appointment and came out if it sore from a biopsy, poor from an $85/mo prescription and anxiously waiting to schedule an ultrasound.  Probably nothing to worry about,  my doc said, but she likes to be safe.  I'm all for being safe, and I'm thankful as hell that my team of doctors likes to be very very cautious.  But I am SO sick of having one more thing to worry about.  Another wait for biopsy results, another test to go through, yet another wait to learn those results.   And I've been demoted from yearly appointments to seeing her every six months.

Then my laptop died.  I'm talking blue screen of death DEAD.  I'm more than a little attached to my computer.  Email, Facebook, shopping, book reviews and softball league business and scheduling....try doing all of that on your phone for days on end.  It's making me cranky.

I also just found out that my dad is in the hospital.  He's having major issues with his legs (they've been swelling ever since his stroke), he's cantankerous and nit listening to his doctors and his lady is at the end of her rope.  And I'm 2000 miles away.

Running a softball league is not for the faint of heart.  I spend HOURS every day taking calls, texts and emails, fielding complaints because everybody is unhappy about something.  Our team is hosting a tournament this weekend and I wish I could just go out and watch them play instead of dealing with all the behind the scenes crap.  I spent an hour in a meeting tonight with someone who shook her head and "respectfully disagreed" with almost everything I said. 

One of my son's best friends has stopped speaking to him completely.  He won't tell J why, and even embarrassed him in front of their friends at lunch.  Not cool.  I know J is no saint - he's a mouthy fourteen year old who likes things his way.  But he has a kind heart and never publicly insults someone or turns his back on a friend.  His feelings are hurt, and my heart hurts for him.

I had to pick my girl up from school and head straight to the doctor today,  missing J's Honor Band performance in the process.  Diagnosis - pink eye and a bad ear infection. K is NOT AT ALL a fan of eye drops, so having to do that 3X a day for a week is awful and upsetting.  Apparently my place when she's sick is her bottom bunk, so Hubby gets to sprawl out in our comfy bed tonight.

I know things could be - and have been - a lot worse.  But when it rains, man, it really pours.

I need a break.  Or a drink.  Or a hug. 
Or all three. 
And it's only Wednesday.