I'm failing. Epically.
Today Hubby and I helped J moved to Aledo, which is two hours away. It might as well be on the moon for how far away he seems. I've basically been crying for 24 hours straight. My heart is broken. I'm embarrassed to say that I'm being 1000% selfish, because there is NO WAY that my sadness should eclipse my happiness for him. But right now that sadness is hanging over my head like a big, big, BIG black cloud and I don't know how to get out from under it.
I know that this is part of life. He's almost 22 years old. He's ready to be out on his own, finding his own way, making his own path to a happy life. I just don't know how to wrap my heart around the fact that his new happy life does not coexist with my every day happy life... and that makes me very unhappy.
I look at this picture, when Jared was just two days old, and I can't even IMAGINE that I just left him on his own two hours away in a town where he doesn't know anyone. Hubby calls J a "mama's boy", and he's right. From day one he has been the light of my life. I have absolutely loved being a mom... being his mom... Kelsie is Daddy's little girl. Jared is my guy.
Logically I know I'm still his mom. And he'll probably always be a "mama's boy". But I feel like I lost a part of me today. I won't get to see him every day (it will be weeks or months). I won't get to cook him dinner or share my leftovers. I won't get to have breakfast dates on a random work day or pop in to his RV in front of the house to say hi. I won't be there to help him when he's sick or hurt or just feeling sad. I won't be able to call him to ask for yet another favor. To be honest, I don't know how to come to terms with the fact that I am now a mother without a "job" where he is concerned. I know he will still need my guidance and advice, and I know he will always need my love. But he doesn't need ME.
The problem is, I still need him.
Eventually I will have to figure out how to get over myself and just be HAPPY that my son is going out into the world to chase his dream. Isn't that what every mother wants? Jared has been in love with trains his whole life. He would scream every time I'd make him leave the train table at Toys R Us. He became the youngest member of Abilene's model railroad club at age 8. He just resigned as president last week because he's moving. For his senior trip I took him on an overnight Amtrak ride to the National Transportation Museum in St. Louis. He never wanted to go to college and had no interest in pursuing any other career.
For YEARS, it has been Jared's dream to go work for the railroad. Being a conductor and eventually an engineer is all he's ever wanted to do. He applied for a train crew job a few months ago (which is training for conductor and then later on engineer) and was offered the job. Unfortunately the semi-local training class at the location where he was hired filled up before all of his paperwork was cleared, so the only other option was to take the next training class in Fort Worth.
Despite my sadness, I am ridiculously overjoyed that he is finally, finally able to start working towards his dream job. There is nothing in the world I would want to get in the way of that... especially myself. Even though it means a lot of changes (quitting a longtime job, moving to a new city, temporary long-distance relationship with his girlfriend), he is excited and beyond ready to take this next step.
There has been a lot of "heavy" in my life lately, so this day, this emotional blow, feels like a knockout punch. Jared is the kindest, most caring and thoughtful and generous young man. He's smart and quirky and funny and loyal to a fault. He has the longest eyelashes you've ever seen and he gives the best hugs. I just miss him so much already. And I need guidance on how to ease into this new normal. Because right now none of this feels normal at all and my heart just hurts.
I pray that Jared and Ripley have the most fun starting this new chapter. I hope that his job is everything he always dreamed it would be. I hope that he loves living where he is. I hope that he makes friends. I hope that he's not lonely. I hope Brooke goes to stay with him often. I hope he stays safe and healthy and happy.
He's a hard worker and doesn't ask for much, so supporting him in this one thing that he's always dreamed of doing needs to be my focus now. If you're reading this, please just pray that I can move past the broken heart of an empty nest mom and learn how to be the mom he needs me to be now.
Jared, I love you so much. You're an amazing young man and I'm so proud of you for taking this opportunity. I will pray daily for you to be safe, content and fulfilled. And I will miss you more than you could ever know. You're my best guy. xoxo
