I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister and a friend. I've learned that who you have in your life matters more than what you have. Thank you for stepping in to my world!
Today is National Surgical Oncologist Day. Did you know there was a day for that? I didn't. But I'm glad. These doctors are heroes.
For one thing, can you imagine having the fortitude to go to a job every day where (more or less) someone's life is in your hands? Can you imagine having a job where you might have to tell someone those awful words "you have cancer"? Can you imagine working in such a place, filled with fear and hope and tears and anxiety? You'd have to have nerves of steel. I couldn't do it. I see someone cry and it makes me cry.
I'll never forget my first appointment with my surgical oncologist, Dr. L. I was scared stiff. All I knew was I had cancer, and it was bad. We drove three hours to Dallas, and my appointment was in a cancer center. It was surreal. What was I doing there? I was forty years old. I was young and healthy and active. Cancer center?????
Dr L is smart as a whip, no nonsense and has a heart of gold. Her staff treated me so kindly. My friend Allyson met us there for that appointment (to take notes and pay attention so Hubby could hold me up) and I remember vividly walking out of the exam room, turning to hug Allyson and just breaking down. It was so overwhelming and sad and frightening. I did not want to be there. But I was there for a reason.
I didn't pick Dr L's name out of the phone book. There's a connection, and I thank God for it. The nurse practitioner at my gynecologist's office went to nursing school with one of the nurses who work for Dr L. When I was diagnosed, she told me about a friend who works for a breast surgeon at UT Southwestern. I had no clue where to go or what to do, so we called her. Smart decision.
Everyone associated with UT Southwestern has called my team of doctors there the "dream team". My surgical oncologist and my plastic surgeon are considered the best of the best. What dumb luck on my part!
Six years ago I was scared I was going to die. Today I am happy and healthy and flipping the bird at cancer every chance I get. I still see Dr L every six months, and after every appointment I say "thank you". Those words are inadequate but heartfelt.
Six years ago today I heard the dreaded words. "It's cancer."
I already knew that. I knew as soon as I felt the lump a few weeks earlier. But having it confirmed, and knowing what it meant, was life-changing. I shut down. I couldn't talk to anyone, not even my mother. For weeks. My poor husband had a basket case on his hands and he shouldered everything without complaint. Telling my kids, who were 7 and 12 at the time, was horrible. The saddest moment of my life. It wasn't fair to them. It wasn't fair to any of us. What can you do?
Eventually I got stronger. I had people rallying in my corner, holding me up. I had a fantastic team of doctors. I had a plan. So I put on my big girl panties and started kicking cancer's ass.
Everyone's cancer journey is different, but for everyone it's scary. Chemo, surgery, radiation, more surgeries (and even more surgeries)... those are just the biggies. Your body changes, your outlook on life changes, your mental state is in constant upheaval. Two years ago, I added another "gift": lymphedema in my left arm and hand thanks to lymph node removal during one of my surgeries. Swelling, aching, and compression garments 24/7 - that's been my new normal since two summers ago. It never goes away.
But you know what? Cancer can keep throwing shit at me. I'll deal. I'll fight. I'll kick ass.
Yesterday I had my six month checkup with my oncologist. According to him, I'm "doing just dandy" and he'll see me in six months. I don't know if that'll change next week, next month or in ten years. Cancer is always the creep lurking around the corner. But for today I'm healthy. So there! Today, I will celebrate. I am a survivor.
I could pretty much post this for every year since August 1, 2013. That first year was rough. Sixteen weeks of chemo. A major (10+ hour) surgery. Thirty-three radiation treatments. The loss of one of my best friends. 2014 wasn't much better. My life was getting back to semi-normal, until my dad had a major heart attack and stroke that forever changed his way of life. My mother was diagnosed with colon cancer. Two more surgeries for me. A little over a year later, breast cancer took my BFF's mom.... someone who was like a second mom to me. A little over a year later, breast cancer took my BFF. A little over a year later, my brother passed away. Do I sound like a broken record? It's so sad it's scary. Despite the smile on my face, grief is my constant companion.
I am not the same person I was six years ago. I've faced the scariest thing ever. I've been sick. I've been tired. I'm STILL tired. I've suffered loss after loss. But with the grace of God, my husband and kids, and the support of my family and friends, I'm alive and well and stronger than I ever thought I would be. I may not look the same or feel the same or act the same, but this Michelle is better than ever, because she's a survivor.
In a few short months, my son will be 18. Wasn't he just playing with hot wheels cars yesterday? A few months ago my daughter turned 13. Say what? She borrows my clothes and I borrow her shoes. It's bizarre. Six years ago, I didn't know if I would be alive to celebrate these milestone birthdays with my kids. But here I am. I am so grateful for every day I get to be their mom. They are fun, funny, smart, caring and compassionate people and I'm proud of who they are turning out to be. Football games, softball tournaments, band concerts, tennis matches....bring it on.
Besides my kids, the biggest blessing in my life is my husband. I don't know where I'd be right now if it wasn't for him.
My strong man got me through the last six years, plain and simple. He doesn't complain. He does what he has to do and he loves me no matter what. He has played nurse and chauffer, chef and morale booster. He has let me be moody and tired and not much fun because sometimes I just can't be anything else. I wish every woman who goes through what I have gone through could have a man like him in their corner. I'm afraid God broke the mold with him, though. He's one in a million, and I'm so blessed that he's mine.
In the next twelve months Hubby and I will celebrate our eighteenth wedding anniversary, my son will graduate and my daughter will enter high school. I hope and pray from the bottom of my soul that next year at this time I can still say... I'm a survivor.
