By "people" I pretty much mean myself.
All my life I have struggled with my self-esteem. It's HARD being a girl. I am very smart (I skipped third grade and graduated #3 in my class). I have a soft heart and I'm a good listener. I try to be thoughtful and understanding and I do my best to be a friend I'd like to have. The last five years have shown me just how strong I am. I know I'm a good person. But I have never loved how I look. Most of the time I struggle to even like how I look. Growing up I was always the chubby friend. I had fat legs and thick eyebrows and annoyingly curly hair. My fashion sense leans more towards comfort than trendy.
About ten years ago my love/hate relationship with myself tipped more toward love than it ever had. I was thinner than I'd been since high school. I was fit and had a haircut (and color) that I loved.
Then August 1, 2013 happened.
Surviving breast cancer does quite a number on how a woman sees herself. Despite being nauseous 24/7 during chemo, I gained weight. I lost my hair, my eyebrows and eyelashes. I had my breasts (and every other female part) removed. I have had so many surgeries that even my scars have scars. I was thrown into menopause at age 41. I've been taking Tamoxifen (to block estrogen) for 4.5 years and it steals my energy, makes my joints hurt, and makes me gain weight.
As if all of that wasn't enough, I have one arm that is significantly bigger than the other, thanks to lymphedema. It's so much bigger that shirt sleeves don't fit the same and I can't wear my wedding rings, a watch or a bracelet on that arm. My left arm is fat and it hurts and the puffiness is so obvious and ugly that I'm extremely self-conscious about it. When I don't wrap it, it's just all RIGHT THERE for me to see. When I do wrap it, I get questioned about it numerous times a day. Either way it's unwanted attention.
It's been five years since my diagnosis. I finished chemo four and a half years ago. My eyebrows and eyelashes came back, and my hair is the same as it was before (if you ignore all of the gray that I keep covered). I had reconstruction so with clothes on I look normal, and even with clothes off I look mostly normal. Thanks to the type of reconstruction I had, I even feel mostly normal... no cold, hard implants thank you very much.
But I'm not the same as I was before 2013, and I'm definitely not the same as I was a decade ago when I felt really good about myself. Thanks to chemo, menopause and Tamoxifen it is practically impossible for me to lose weight. I think I gain weight just looking at food! I don't like to look in the mirror and I hate seeing myself in pictures. All I can think is "Who is that fat lady?" I'm seeing numbers on the scale I've never seen before, I hate the way my left arm looks and I feel like someone twice my age.
Believe me, I know things could be worse than not being happy with how I look. I'm very grateful to be alive. I'm happy and healthy and I thank God for every single day. That doesn't mean I don't wish things were different. And by "things".... I mean me.
(This isn't me fishing for compliments, I promise. It's just a good, old-fashioned pity party.)
