Kicking cancer's ass - day 953

Life's a bitch.

Sorry, but there's just no other way to say it.  Sometimes you coast along with the sun on your face, the wind at your back with every day full of joy.
Other times you are crashing into the waves head first and you can't even tread water.

My good run of bad luck started last Friday.  I went in for my annual (female) appointment and came out if it sore from a biopsy, poor from an $85/mo prescription and anxiously waiting to schedule an ultrasound.  Probably nothing to worry about,  my doc said, but she likes to be safe.  I'm all for being safe, and I'm thankful as hell that my team of doctors likes to be very very cautious.  But I am SO sick of having one more thing to worry about.  Another wait for biopsy results, another test to go through, yet another wait to learn those results.   And I've been demoted from yearly appointments to seeing her every six months.

Then my laptop died.  I'm talking blue screen of death DEAD.  I'm more than a little attached to my computer.  Email, Facebook, shopping, book reviews and softball league business and scheduling....try doing all of that on your phone for days on end.  It's making me cranky.

I also just found out that my dad is in the hospital.  He's having major issues with his legs (they've been swelling ever since his stroke), he's cantankerous and nit listening to his doctors and his lady is at the end of her rope.  And I'm 2000 miles away.

Running a softball league is not for the faint of heart.  I spend HOURS every day taking calls, texts and emails, fielding complaints because everybody is unhappy about something.  Our team is hosting a tournament this weekend and I wish I could just go out and watch them play instead of dealing with all the behind the scenes crap.  I spent an hour in a meeting tonight with someone who shook her head and "respectfully disagreed" with almost everything I said. 

One of my son's best friends has stopped speaking to him completely.  He won't tell J why, and even embarrassed him in front of their friends at lunch.  Not cool.  I know J is no saint - he's a mouthy fourteen year old who likes things his way.  But he has a kind heart and never publicly insults someone or turns his back on a friend.  His feelings are hurt, and my heart hurts for him.

I had to pick my girl up from school and head straight to the doctor today,  missing J's Honor Band performance in the process.  Diagnosis - pink eye and a bad ear infection. K is NOT AT ALL a fan of eye drops, so having to do that 3X a day for a week is awful and upsetting.  Apparently my place when she's sick is her bottom bunk, so Hubby gets to sprawl out in our comfy bed tonight.

I know things could be - and have been - a lot worse.  But when it rains, man, it really pours.

I need a break.  Or a drink.  Or a hug. 
Or all three. 
And it's only Wednesday.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 938

Her teacher was so impressed that she had K read this out loud to her class.  

I'm sure she wasn't nearly as proud as I am.

So blessed that this girl calls me "mom".

Kicking cancer's ass - day 926

I couldn't decide which one I wanted to post, so I'll just post them all.

A good reminder.

________________________________________________

Exactly!

___________________________________________

Good old Dr Phil 

_____________________________________________________

This is true.

_______________________________________________

And my personal favorite this morning

____________________________________________

To quote my good friend S..... you just can't fix stupid.  

Have a great day friends!

Kicking cancer's ass - day 920

Today I drove to Dallas and back.  For once it wasn't for a doctor's appointment.  Or a scan.  Or a surgery.  It was a pleasure trip!  But that's a post for another day.

Hubby went with me today, but his brother met us in Fort Worth and they were headed north to Oklahoma.  So I had the drive home by myself.  Not a terrible thing.  I like to drive.  I like to drive with loud music even better.  So I cranked up the tunes (I'm a very good DJ by the way) and headed west.

About halfway home, I had a moment...as in, a MOMENT.
You see, a song came on.... a song that always immediately reminds me of Allyson Hendrickson.

Whenever I hear this song, I am instantly transported back twelve years to when Allyson and I took our boys (both our only children at the time) to Houston to see her parents.  It was my first trip to Houston and our first overnight rodeo as friends.  In addition to a matching dislike of godforsakenwesttexas, we also shared a love of country music.  So while our boys were happily ensconced in their car seats watching The Wiggles on a 9" TV/VCR combo wedged between our front seats (ah yes, this was before the age of portable DVD players), Allyson and I cranked up OUR tunes and went on our way.  

When Kenny Chesney started singing "The Good Stuff", Allyson turned it up even louder and sang along.  (She could really sing!)  It was her favorite song at the time, and to me it will always be the theme song from that trip.

We had so much fun.  

I met her family and loved them instantly.  I ate Buck's catfish for the first time and actually loved it (I am not a fish person), and I ate ice cream from Cold Stone Creamery for the first time and discovered it makes me violently ill.  We went to Galveston and played on the beach with our toddlers, we teased her sister about her not "liking" her best friend (they are now married... ha!), we stayed up too late and we laughed a lot.

I'm sad that she's not here to share these memories with me.  It's been almost two years since stupid cancer took her.... it's been over two years since the last time I saw her.  The last time I hugged her.  The last time she made me laugh.  

All of that hit me on the ride home because of that song.  It's a great song.  Those are great memories.  Hearing Kenny sing in my car today brought tears to my eyes.  I miss my friend.

Allyson, you were one in a million.

The Good Stuff indeed.  

Kicking cancer's ass - day 916

"God only gives each of us a certain amount of time to be on this earth and every day when we wake up, we get to decide how we are going to spend those precious minutes and hours. There are no do-overs, no second-chances, no next-time-around’s to get it right." - Rory Feek

Rory Feek is a country singer who is facing the imminent death of his beloved wife and singing partner. Joey is within days of succumbing to cervical cancer that has invaded her body and is taking her from her family way, way too early.

Their story is heartbreaking.
You can read his blog here:

This Life I Live

The quote I started this post with really resonated with me today. Lately I have been letting other people's negativity and drama overtake my life, making me a stressed out, angry, ugly person. None of that is me. And none of that is worth it. Mean-spirited, ungrateful, selfish, narcissistic people who are out to bring me down are NOT.WORTH.IT.

Joey Feek is dying at age 40. I was diagnosed with cancer at age 40.  
Why her and not me? She fought for a long time. I fought for a long time. I'm alive and she won't be for much longer. Whether I never have to fight cancer another day of my life or I face a long, hard battle like Joey, I want to get it right.

It's past time to shift my focus back to what's important. I have a family that loves me that means everything to me. I have good, good friends. I have the best breast cancer support groups a girl could ask for. I have a team of doctors looking out for my health and caring people around me looking out for my well being.

I'm not a Beatles fan, but this song and its lyrics bring me such peace. Just Let It Be.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 905

Tuesday afternoon I fell asleep on the couch and did not budge for two hours.  I'm pretty much tired all the time, but that is a little extreme even for me.  I woke up when Hubby came home from work, but couldn't move.  When the kids came home from school I woke up long enough to ask how their day was, then I dozed back off.  Even with my nap, I was sacked out by 11:15pm.

Yesterday I woke up with a migraine.  My handy-dandy percocet kept it at bay, but didn't totally get rid of it, so I spent the entire day fighting a headache.  I've always been a headache person, so they are nothing new for me, but the bad ones are just..... bad.  It's exhausting, my neck and shoulders get tense, my restless legs act up, and even after the meds get rid of it, I walk around with an achy, "hollow" head feeling that lasts for about a day.

I would like, just once, to make it through a day without something bothering me.  I don't ever have a time where my energy is nil, something doesn't hurt or I don't feel like I could sleep for a week.

I'm so very thankful to have made it this far into my "new normal".... but sometimes this new normal sucks.  I miss the old normal!  I miss my not-gray hair, my not-so-fat body, my joints that didn't crack, my arm that didn't swell, and my breasts that were real breasts.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 904

I know yesterday's blog post was about my girl and how sweet she is.
Today's blog post is going to be about my girl and how awesome she is.

First of all, she told me that she had to write an essay at school about someone you are proud of, and she picked me.  She wrote about how I fought cancer and how I do so much for her softball team and I take care of the house.  That girl has a heart of gold, I'm telling you.

When I was going through her school papers yesterday, I found this essay she wrote for a practice STAAR test (the standardized tests here).

Even if I was not her mother, I would be so incredibly proud of the wonderful young lady she is turning into.  I would never associate "self-condifent" with my daughter, but apparently I've been underestimating her.  

Some of you might be wondering about my other child.  Yes, I have a son, and he's pretty amazing, too.  But he's a teenager... and a boy.  Need I say more?  He hibernates in his room, zoning out with his friends on Xbox, only coming out to eat, and only provides one word answers to anything we ask.  He's handsome and funny and talented and kind (like his sister), but he's also in his own little 14 year old world where parents don't exist.

Lord help me.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 903

Is any mom as lucky as me???

Kicking cancer's ass - day 902

Two days ago was day 900.  NINE HUNDRED.  That's 900 days since my very first chemo treatment.  In the weeks between d-day and that day, I had numerous tests, scans, procedures and a port placement surgery, but I consider my first day of chemo to be the day I began kicking cancer's ass.
(The 28 days before then, cancer pretty much kicked mine).

I will have to figure out what day 1000 will be and maybe have a party, because that seems like a pretty big milestone, right?

Overall I'm doing well in my post-cancer "new normal".  My biggest issue (and admittedly, it's a big one) is pain.  The medicine I take to block estrogen, Arimidex, has caused me to hobble around like an 80 year old woman.  Everything hurts, even my pinkies!  Take a look at the side effects:

Common side effects of Arimidex include hot flashes, weakness (, joint pain, pharyngitis (sore throat), hypertension, depression, nausea, vomiting, rashes, back pain, insomnia, headaches, coughing, shortness of breath and swelling of the lymph nodes or extremities…. asthenia (lack of energy & strength), arthritis, pain, fractures, back pain, pain, headache, bone pain, increased cough, dyspnea (shortness of breath), and lymphedema… onset of osteoporosis… increased cholesterol levels.
Other risks include severe allergic reactions, heart attack, stroke and liver dysfunction.
Serious adverse reactions with ARIMIDEX occurring in less than 1 in 10,000 patients, are: 1) skin reactions such as lesions, ulcers, or blisters; 2) allergic reactions with swelling of the face, lips, tongue, and/or throat. This may cause difficulty in swallowing and/or breathing; and 3) changes in blood tests of the liver function, including inflammation of the liver with symptoms that may include a general feeling of not being well, with or without jaundice, liver pain or liver swelling.

Of those, I have:
- hot flashes (some, but not unbearable)
- weakness (most definitely)
- joint pain (the biggie, and it's awful)
- depression (even taking "happy pills", I have a hard time being motivated to do anything)
- insomnia
- headaches (but I've always had those)
- asthenia (complete lack of energy)
- arthritis (mostly in my left elbow)
- lymphedema (in my left arm/hand)

Being in pain, having no energy, not being able to sleep despite feeling exhausted.... none of that is any fun.  But being alive and cancer-free is so very much fun, so I will stick it out and hope in time that my side effects become more manageable.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 901

I saw this on Facebook today and .... just.... wow.

WOMAN. . . . . . . . . 

When God created woman he was working late on the 6th day.......

An angel came by and asked." Why spend so much time on her?"

The lord answered. "Have you seen all the specifications I have to meet to shape her?"

She must function on all kinds of situations, 
She must be able to embrace several kids at the same time,
Have a hug that can heal anything from a bruised knee to a broken heart,
She must do all this with only two hands,"
She cures herself when sick and can work 18 hours a day"

THE ANGEL was impressed" Just two hands.....impossible!

And this is the standard model?"

The Angel came closer and touched the woman"
"But you have made her so soft, Lord".
"She is soft", said the Lord,
"But I have made her strong. You can't imagine what she can endure and overcome"

"Can she think?" The Angel asked...
The Lord answered. "Not only can she think, she can reason and negotiate"

The Angel touched her cheeks....
"Lord, it seems this creation is leaking! You have put too many burdens on her" 
"She is not leaking...it is a tear" The Lord corrected the Angel…

"What's it for?" Asked the Angel..... .
The Lord said. "Tears are her way of expressing her grief, her doubts, her love, her loneliness, her suffering and her pride."...

This made a big impression on the Angel,
"Lord, you are a genius. You thought of everything.
A woman is indeed marvellous"

Lord said."Indeed she is.
She has strength that amazes a man.
She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens.
She holds happiness, love and opinions.
She smiles when she feels like screaming.
She sings when she feels like crying, cries when happy and laughs when afraid.
She fights for what she believes in.

Her love is unconditional.
Her heart is broken when a next-of-kin or a friend dies but she finds strength to get on with life"

The Angel asked: So she is a perfect being?
The lord replied: No. She has just one drawback
"She often forgets what she is worth".

Kicking cancer's ass - day 900

According to the National Cancer Institute, marijauna kills cancer cells.

NCI updated its page to include various studies revealing how cannabis “may inhibit tumor growth by causing cell death, blocking cell growth, and blocking the development of blood vessels needed by tumors to grow” while also protecting normal, healthy cells.

You can read the full article from Healthy Holistic Living here:

http://www.healthy-holistic-living.com/marijuana-kills-cancer-cells-admits-us-national-cancer-institute.html

In my opinion, anything that kills cancer cells is a good thing.  It's even better that more and more states are legalizing marijuana.

I've never smoked anything in my life, and I've never tried any kind of drugs other than the legal kind (face it, I've had seven surgeries in two years.... I've taken drugs!).  I've put my body through all of the "big guns" of treatment:  the harshest chemo regimen, the most extensive surgeries and radiation.  I'm taking a medicine that makes me physically miserable, and I will probably have to take it for ten years, because it blocks estrogen.  My cancer fed off estrogen, so I'm all for starving the beast.

If, despite all of that, my cancer ever comes back, it's reassuring to me that there may be other options.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 899

Last night Hubby and K had a date.  Not just a date, but a D-A-T-E!
He took her to Abilene's Daddy-Daughter dance for the first time.
Just like any girl, she needed a new dress for her date:

And just like any gentleman, Hubby rang the doorbell and came prepared with flowers and gifts:

They posed for the obligatory photo op:

They both kept me updated throughout the evening (he texted me, she called me while he was in the bathroom - ha ha).  She said, "THIS.IS.AWESOME!!!!!"  The food was good and they danced a lot.  The only complaints were that it was hot as hell in there (Hubby's words, not K's) and they only offered something to drink once, and that was only little Dixie cups with lemonade.  

All in all I'd say the evening was a success.  Hubby lucked out with the theme this year:  boot scootin boogie!  Since jeans, a nice shirt and his "good boots" are about the dressed up as he gets, it worked out perfectly.  He even sent me this pic when I asked where his cowboys hat was:

Real men wear pink, right?  (Have I mentioned that Hubby is a really good dad???)

Some of K's friends were there, which made the night even more fun for her... including her old BFF (center, in the blue):

I find it a little ironic that it's one year to the day exactly that I discovered her mom's criminal actions (if you don't remember, she was arrested for stealing tens of thousands of dollars from our softball league - case still pending).  Aside from finding out one of my best friends was a liar, thief and con-artist, the worst part of the whole ordeal was that my little girl lost her best friend.  They were BFFs since they were 3 years old, and except for the last basketball game of the season last year (they were on the same team) - which happened after I confronted my friend - K hasn't seen her friend since it all happened.  

I was afraid that K would be there with her dad, because they go every year.  And they were.  I asked Hubby if they were awkward with each other, and he said our K was timid at first, but once he told her she could talk to and play with her friend, they picked up like nothing ever happened.  He said they were running around, laughing and screaming just like old times.  

Seeing pictures and videos of them enjoying being together last night is bittersweet for me.  It warms my heart that her friend still cares about my girl and was happy to see her, too.  But it doesn't change anything.  Even though that little girl is innocent, I refuse to let my daughter have anything to do with K's parents.  Now that she saw her again, I keep waiting for K to ask me "When can I see K again?"   Sigh.  Stupid criminals.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 897

I despise this part of my morning ritual:

I hate taking pills.  I've always hated taking pills.

I remember when I was a kid and my mom wanted me to graduate from Flintstones chewables to one-a-day vitamins that you had to swallow.  I cried.  CRIED.  

Now I have one of those old people day/night pill divider things.

Hubby can grab a handful of pills and swallow them with one sip of water.  I have to guzzle water with every pill... separately.  By the time I'm done, I feel sick to my stomach just from taking my stupid pills.  

I have a pill to help my bones, a pill to block estrogen (and starve cancer cells), a pill for arthritis pain caused by the estrogen blocker, a pill to help my mood, a pill to make my hair and nails stronger, an allergy pill......I also have nighttime pills for hot flashes, restless legs, my digestive system.....it's endless.

And I'm starting to think it's pointless.  I'm exhausted all the time, I'm grouchy all the time, I'm gaining weight all the time, my legs are restless every night and every joint in my body from my pinky to the bottom of my foot hurts 24/7.  So either my pills are causing more problems or they're not working.  

Sadly, if I complain to my doctors, I'll probably end up with even MORE pills.

(I told you I'm grouchy)

Kicking cancer's ass - day 889

Technically I still have seven and a half hours until I turn 43 years old.

Honestly, I thought I already was 43.  Hmph.  Chemo brain, I guess.

Last year I wrote something fun and funny and witty on my birthday.  And I mentioned chocolate cake.  This year, well, you get the Minions.

That's all I've got.

I have a sick Hubby, a really sick little girl, and a pain-in-the-ass situation with our softball league and the city so I'm stressed to the max over a volunteer job!  Crazy world we live in.  

We made a video about the situation and Hubby posted it on Facebook.  It has over 70,000 views and over two thousand shares.  Holy cow!  My little girl is a Facebook phenom.  I would post it here but it exceeds the allowed file size.  Bah humbug.  You'll have to trust me.... she's very cute, my words are eloquent and the message deserves to be heard.  If anyone has a rich uncle who would like to build us a softball field or two so we can kiss the City of Abilene goodbye, I'd be forever grateful.

Since Hubby is sick, and K will be home sick again, which of my friends do you think will bring me chocolate cake?  Because really, when you get to the ripe old age of 43 after surviving Stage III cancer, what more could you want besides sunshine and chocolate cake?

Happy Birthday to me....and many more!

Kicking cancer's ass - day 885

Insomniac blogging....

So I'm wide awake at almost 1am.  This time it's not because I can't fall asleep.  It's because I DID fall asleep.  I had a headache and felt "off" this afternoon, so I slept like the dead for about three hours.  Rest I needed, sure, but waking up at 7pm means I'm still awake in the wee hours.

Hubby teased me about sleeping "all day", and even made the comment "who are you?" when he and K came home from basketball practice.  I know he was just giving me a hard time, but I also know there's a part of him that meant it.  He's probably so sick of my drama.  He has to be, because I'M so sick of it.  If I'm not at a doctor's appointment, I'm worrying about a symptom that's prompting me to make an appointment.  I'm not sleeping at night, I'm tired and napping during the day, I have no energy to do the stuff I used to do.  My back hurts, my knees crack, my left arm swells during the night.  I can't even joke "Not tonight, I have a headache" because most of the time I DO have a headache!  Who wants to live with that 24/7?

Honestly, he got the short end of the stick when he married me.  I've forced the "in sickness and in health" vow on him to the millionth degree.  So on top of all of the other post-cancer crap, I'm dealing with worry and guilt over not being the wife I want to be, and not being the mom I want to be for my kids.  It has been 883 days since my first chemo treatment.  That's a lot of freaking days.  I've been through a lot, no doubt about it, but I'm here, I'm alive and well and I'm blessed with family and friends.  So why is everything so incredibly hard???  Sometimes I feel like I was stronger, happier and more together in the middle of chemo than I am now.  I am a cancer survivor.  I tell myself I should be treasuring every day and just be happy I'm alive.

Yet I'm constantly overwhelmed.  My former perfectionist OCD multitasking expert self is nowhere to be found.  The shelves in my living room are still empty of our belongings two weeks after the carpet guy finished.  One of these days I would like to reclaim my laundry room, but I just can't seem to summon the energy to open the storage tubs full of knick knacks and photo albums.  More often than not we eat out because I either can't remember to plan ahead or can't find the energy to cook.  I stress over making healthy choices about eating because there are so many things I love that are bad for you.  I'd love to lose the thirty pounds I've gained, but it's hard to find motivation when fatigue is my constant companion and every joint in my body hurts.  I want to be the fun, spontaneous mom that makes childhood a magical time for her kids, and yet I'm just not her.  I want to be the sweet, caring woman that my husband fell in love with all those years ago.... not the tired, grumpy, complaining person I am now.  I haven't talked to my BFF in months.  Not because I don't want to, because I forget to call.  I want to do more.  I want to be more.

I found a great blog by Debbie Woodbury called "Running on Empty - Coping with Cancer Stress"
She describes everything I'm feeling so perfectly.  It's worth a read.

She says:

But the transition from patient to cancer survivor is not an easy one and the new normal brings its own cancer stress. Even for prisoners, the re-entry phase into normal society is usually gradual, but such is not the case for most cancer survivors. Family and friends want to return to normal life as soon as possible, and who can blame them? The cancer survivor wants that too, of course. But what we want is not always what we are capable of achieving, which causes even more cancer stress (and often, full-blown cancer anger.) After all we have been through, we are running on empty and only capable of so much.  

Who I am right now is unacceptable to me.  And yet.... what can I do?   I'm on antidepressants to help keep my mood even.  I'm taking supplements to help me stay healthy and to combat the side effects of the medicine I'm on.  I try to exercise at least 30 minutes a few times a week, which is the best I can do right now.

But it doesn't feel like my best is enough.  *I* don't feel like enough.
I feel like I'm letting my husband down.  I feel like I'm letting my kids down.  Even after 883 days, cancer is draining me.
I'm running on empty.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 881

Do you know how much junk a family of four collects over the course of 15+ years?
Of course I've weeded through toys and clothes semi-regularly, and we've replaced furniture and appliances as needed.  But still.... there is SO.MUCH.STUFF!

We decided to replace our carpet and bathroom floors recently, which means basically packing up all of your belongings as if you were moving.  The floor guys will move furniture, but not personal items, anything fragile or electronics.  So.... in order to pack, we had to weed through the mountains of stuff that we had lying around the house.  The kids' rooms (especially the closets) were the worst.

You thought I was kidding, right?  

Granted, that picture was about midway through emptying out his closet, but still.  How much junk does a teenage boy need???

That was after the clean-up (clean OUT??) - before new floor.  

And the finished product:

We went with vinyl floor instead of carpet in his room because J is allergic to... well... everything.

K's room looked pretty much the same as J's did when we were weeding through the mess.  I didn't take a picture, but you can imagine - books, toys, stuffed animals, dvds, shoes, more stuffed animals..... 

Here her room is before new carpet:

And after (with a little rearranging, too):

Our bedroom didn't have quite the clutter as the kids' rooms, but the closet came close.

Now it's all fresh and clean:

During the whole new flooring adventure, all of my stuff was confined to the garage and this little corner of my dining room (where I was also confined during the 2.5 days it took to complete):

And just to make things interesting, we had our new range delivered right in the midst of everything.

I always wanted a double oven, and I love, love, love it!

Here's the living room before:

Getting there....

Finally!

The carpet ended up looking more brown than I had planned after it was installed,
but overall I'm very pleased. 

And the bathrooms - before and after:

I've never had to pack up an entire house to move (only a small apartment), and I'm not looking forward to doing so anytime soon.  (Unless we win the lottery and I get my beach house!)   I still have containers of stuff yet to be put away.  The clutter in my dining room, laundry room and garage is getting to me, so it's only a matter of time before everything finds its home again.

Hubby's brother asked him if there was anything original left in the house (Hubby built the house 10 years before I moved here).  He joked that he was the only thing left!  ha ha

Kicking cancer's ass - day 874

In honor of Martin Luther King, Jr
(And I believe this applies to what cancer survivors go through)

Kicking cancer's ass - day 872

Attention football fans:

K's softball team is trying to raise money for the upcoming season.  This football board is $25 per square, and we'll be giving away $250 each quarter during the Super Bowl.
(You don't even have to be local..... we can take - and send - via PayPal)

The funds raised will help these girls participate in tournaments this spring (each tournament can cost over $400 to play).

Email michelleburleson12@gmail.com if you're interested in helping the Lady Diamonds!

Kicking cancer's ass - day 871

True, right?
This is something I struggle with daily.  Before cancer, I never was a very fearful person.  I worried about stuff, maybe too much, but I never let those worries overtake me.  I was calm, I was levelheaded.

Since cancer, I worry a lot.  Some of it is justified... I mean, I had Stage III invasive breast cancer.  At the age of 40.  When I was diagnosed, I should have only been halfway through my life, and yet three little words changed how I looked at everything.  Forget about living until I'm 80.  Will I even make it to 50?  60?

One of the most common pieces of advice given to cancer patients is to "stay positive".  Easier said than done.  You try staying positive when you have something inside you that could kill you.  Even once it's gone.... destroyed by chemo, blasted by radiation, removed with surgery.... the wondering is always there.  Will it come back?  Did they get it all?  Is there something lurking, growing somewhere inside of me, without me knowing?

It's a little irrational, but you'd be amazed how fast your mind can take an idea and run with it.  A headache means a brain tumor.  Pain in my ribs means bone cancer.  A lump ANYWHERE means cancer.  Major fatigue isn't caused by overdoing it or stress or meds.... it's the cancer overtaking my body.

Crazy, right?  Except.... not.  I'm an optimist and a dreamer, but cancer has made me a realist, too.  There's a very real possibility that I will have to face this beast again in my lifetime.  I hope and pray that I'm one of the lucky ones.  That is my greatest wish, aside from happy and healthy lives for my children:  to die an old woman from something other than breast cancer.  I want to be one of those women my friends will talk about years from now, saying "She had breast cancer ten years ago and she's still doing great!"  But I've known too many who have had it come back (some more than once).  When you're faced with the worst case scenario, it's hard NOT to go there again and again.  If it comes back, it's Stage IV.  And that has no cure.

Years ago I had a miscarriage.  I'd never known anyone who had been through that, I never in a million years expected it to happen to ME.  I naively thought a positive pregnancy test meant a baby.  Three weeks later, no baby.  I was devastated.  A month later I was pregnant again.  You have no idea how fearful I was during those early days of that second pregnancy.  I was pregnant before, and I lost that baby.  I worried every day that it would happen again.  Thankfully I was blessed with a perfectly healthy baby boy six days after his due date.
Fast forward three years.... another positive pregnancy test.  Ten weeks later...another miscarriage.  OH MY GOD.  You see why I worried?  Once it happens to you, you worry it will happen again.  Once it happens to you AGAIN..... there are no words.  Six months later I became pregnant again, and thankfully I had an obstetrician who was very careful (given my history) and scheduled me for monthly ultrasounds.  Being able to see my baby time and again before she was born was so reassuring.  

Maybe you can understand why sometimes fear drives me.  There are no guarantees that I won't have to deal with this again.  I actually have a higher than average risk of developing cancer again thanks to the BRCA gene.  So sometimes.... I just have to wallow in self-pity and worry and convince myself that I'm going to have to "go there" again.

And then I put my big girl panties on and get over it.
Tonight I had dinner with a friend, and on the way home one of my all-time favorite songs came on.  It's like Garth Brooks was giving me my own little pep talk:

Too many times we stand aside 
And let the waters slip away 
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow 
It has now become today 
So don't you sit upon the shoreline 
And say you're satisfied 
Choose to chance the rapids 
And dare to dance that tide 
And I will sail my vessel 
'Til the river runs dry 

I may be worried, and there are days the fear will rule my mind. But I want to chance the rapids, and I want to dance that tide. Whether I have two months or four decades left to live, I'm going to make the most of it, even on my bad days.  Screw you cancer.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 867

And so it begins....

That's what my dining room looks like right now.  Every belonging we have that couldn't be packed up is stacked in there.  There's a tiny corner of the table that's open where my computer sits, and that's where you'll find me for the next two days.  My garage is full of dismantled bed frames and Rubbermaid tubs.  We have made a hefty contribution to Abilene's trash collection, and we carted off a crap-ton of toys, clothes and furniture to storage (that we'll hopefully sell in a garage sale).

Why all the fun, you ask?  We are getting new floors.  Something I am very excited about!  New tile in the bathrooms.... new (fake) wood flooring in J's bedroom and new carpet throughout the rest of the house.  The only floor that has been "updated" since I moved here fifteen years ago is the kitchen, so it's about time the rest of the house catches up!  We had planned to do this a few years ago, right before I got sick.  And then I got sick.  Cancer was a much higher priority than carpet.  Now I'm better, so here we go!

That's exciting, right?  The prep work was not so exciting.  I honestly feel like we could have been on an episode of Hoarders.  My kids had SO MUCH STUFF!!!  I admit I have a lot of shoes, and even more books.  But that's it, and they can both be neatly (sort of) contained.  But J & K?  Gah.  I swear their rooms were like a disaster zone.  I almost thought about calling in the National Guard.  Obviously I need to do a better job of weeding out more than just clothes that don't fit anymore.

However, that's all done.  The floor guy is here now banging and scraping and ripping up old carpet.  By tomorrow night, we'll hopefully have brand spanking new floors and can start to re-right the ship that kind of resembles the Titanic right now.  Once we get the beds back together, I can take my time putting a lot less stuff back in a much more organized fashion.  If you know me, then you know that is right up my alley.  Typical OCD perfectionist stuff.

Hopefully my next post will have before and after pictures so I can show off my nice, clean, new floors!
(I'm also still oven-less so we are eating out a lot, which helps with not having a kitchen table!  But the new one shipped, so hopefully this week....)

Kicking cancer's ass - day 863

In 2000, January 7th became the best day of my life.  I didn't know it then, when I logged in to a chat room (remember those??) and started talking to "Adam" that he would be the man to change me forever.  Late night chats became emails, daily emails became phone calls, phone calls eventually became visits and the rest is history.  My history with Hubby.

I read this quote today:

I wasn't looking when I met you.  But you turned out to be everything I was looking for.

Truer words were never spoken.  I was a New York girl living in South Carolina, 26 years old hanging around in a 30-something chat room (because let's face it, younger guys may be hot but they are SO immature!).  I stumbled upon a Texan who shared my love of country music and football.  One of our first dates was a tour of the old Texas Stadium.  One of our best dates was an Alabama concert where we sweated our butts off and stood for three hours because it was that good.

We've been through births and deaths.  We've made friends together and we've lost friends together.  We've suffered financial setbacks and enjoyed more prosperous times.  We've played golf together and we've gone to Vegas together.  I introduced him to the beach, he introduced me to Mexican food.  I endure his love of "who done it" shows and he indulges my love for romance novels.  We've lost two children and created two more.  We've been to weddings and funerals together.  I've sat with him through numerous injections for his bad back, and he's been by my side through countless medical procedures (and I mean countless!).  He makes me laugh, he thinks I'm a nut, and he loves me for me.

That's a pretty cool thing, because I love him for him.
Happy 16 years, Hubby.

In 2007, January 7th became one of the worst days in Hubby's (and through him, mine as well) life.  His brother Daryl was killed in a motorcycle accident.  I can't pretend to know what it's like to lose your big brother.  All I know is Hubby handled it with his characteristic stoic strength and calm.  I know this day brings sad memories for him along with the happy ones, but isn't that what life is all about?

Kicking cancer's ass - day 862

Blast from the past.

Three Little Cowboys: Mad

That is a link to my sweet friend Allyson's blog post the day she learned I had cancer.
Ally's Wish, the charity started in her honor, was asking on Facebook about how her stories have touched your life.  I wanted to quote what she wrote to me that day so I went looking back through her blog.

Confidential to M:

 

So, today was a bad day.  And there will be some more bad days.  But hear me loud and clear, sister: you are not alone!!!  There is no way that I am going to sit over here and let you walk down this road unassisted.  I KNEW all this cancer stuff would come in handy someday!  :)  It's okay to be scared, and it's okay to be mad (obviously!), as long as you remember the three things:  1) God loves us. 2) God is always in control. 3) God is good.

You are the daughter of a big, big God who is holding you in the palm of his big, big hand.  And you have a slightly crazy friend who will do just about anything for you.  Anytime, day or night.  Any reason.  You are loved.

Oh yeah---let's hit up Bahama Buck's, okay?  My treat.

I hate that Allyson is no longer on this earth.  I think about her every day.  I see her sweet face on my refrigerator every time I walk into my kitchen.  Her book has a permanent place on my bookshelf in my bedroom.  I continue to stalk her family on Facebook.  I miss her.

But I am forever grateful that I had her in my life for the time I did.  Everyone should be so lucky.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 861

What I wish everyone knew:

No, I don't have Fibromyalgia.  But the after-effects of cancer treatment and surgeries mimic a lot of the fibro symptoms.  I am on the better side of treatment, but there are days I still feel pretty lousy.  I am thankful I don't have the 24/7 yuck feeling of chemo or the pain of recovering from surgery.  SO thankful.  But there are days, still, when I could sleep all afternoon, when everything hurts, when hot flashes come more than they go, when restless legs and/or insomnia keep me up at night, when I have almost unbearable fatigue.  

I am happy to be {knock on wood} "done" with surgeries, chemo and radiation.  If the worst thing I have to deal with is side effects of medicine and learning to handle how treatment changed my body, I'll take it.  

Two years and two days ago, I had a bilateral mastectomy.  Two years ago today I came home to sleep in the recliner for four weeks and let my mom and Hubby take care of my house and my family.  The fact that I am working, cleaning, shopping, reading, cooking, hosting Christmas and New Year's Eve parties, packing lunches, supervising homework, doing laundry and everything else that being Michelle entails is a miracle to me, and I'm grateful for every chore-filled day.

But being grateful doesn't mean I can't complain.  And since I have those complaints, I'd like to encourage you to support anyone who has a "hidden" illness.  Even though they may look fine (or better than they have in a long time) doesn't mean everything IS fine.  For me and others like me, the struggle is managing the lasting physical effects of treatment and coping with the fear that never goes away.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 856

"The goal is to live a full productive life, even with all that ambiguity. No matter what happens, whether the cancer never flares up again or whether you die, the important thing is the days that you have had, you will have lived." - Gilda Radner

One of my KCA friends posted this on Facebook today, and it really struck a chord with me.  I've been struggling for some time with fear, worrying that everything that's wrong with me is cancer sneaking up on me again.  It doesn't take much to convince myself that my bones and joints don't ache because of the Arimidex, they hurt because they are being overrun by cancer cells.  When I wake up with a bad headache, it's probably a brain tumor.  Blurry vision is not a leftover gift from chemo, it's the other "c" word.

I could go on and on.

But you know what?  Screw that.  I'm going to take a page from Gilda Radner's book and I'm going to try to focus on living instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I doubt I'll be able to completely eliminate the fear, but maybe I can work on being too busy to worry all that much.

I don't know if I have two months or forty years left in my life, so I don't want to take a single minute for granted.  

Tonight I came out of the bathroom to find K sitting on my bed with her doll Emma - waiting for me.  She asked me if she could show me how to do Emma's hair.  My initial reaction was to say "maybe later", but I caught myself.  In that minute, my little girl asking for my attention was way more important than my book and the couch that were calling my name.  

I now know how to do a fishtail braid.