Kicking cancer's ass - day 4634

 

Several years ago, I was struggling. 

Work was incredibly stressful, finances were tight, lingering effects of cancer treatment were bringing me down, and life was just HARD. I know a lot of people have a tough road to follow, so my being sad or stressed or anxious or whatever was nothing special. We all face battles, most of which we don't even see.

My cancer diagnosis in 2013 was devastating. Treatment was grueling, surgeries were endless. It all took a toll on me and my family. It still does. PTSD after cancer is real, trust me.

A year later my friend Allyson passed away. She had ovarian cancer. She was one of the best people I knew, and she helped me TREMENDOUSLY throughout my cancer treatments. She said "If I can use what I know firsthand to help someone else, then it's worth it."

In 2018 I lost my BFF—also to cancer. She was the Thelma to my Louise. Even though we didn't live anywhere near each other anymore, I didn't know how to do life without her. I still don't.

A year later my big brother died unexpectedly. Suddenly I'm an only child. He was larger than life, always the guy up for anything. He lived big and he loved bigger. And I don't have him in my life anymore.

In 2022 I lost my dad. A girl never stops needing her dad. Even though it was time, he'd struggled for a long time and he was ready, I wasn't. My family unit was shrinking.

In just a few short years I'd had to say goodbye to a lot of people who meant a lot to me. I hate to say it, but my faith took a beating. It's hard, when things happen like that, to not ask "WHY???". Why did a good Christian woman like Allyson have to leave her three little boys without a mom? Why did I survive the exact same diagnosis as Trudy, and she didn't? Why did God take so many people close to my heart? Why? Why? Why?

Enter GRATITUDE.

It's not like I was never grateful for what I have. After everything I'd been through, the saying "Every day is a gift, that's why it's called the present" could not be more true. I am so thankful to be alive and well. I'm incredibly grateful for my husband, my rock. He makes me laugh even when I don't want to, and holds me up when I can't stand on my own.

I have the most amazing, supportive mom, and the best kids who we somehow managed to raise to become amazing human beings. I'm so thankful that I've been here for my kids' high school graduations, I'm here to see my daughter thrive in college, and I get to watch my son marry the sweetest girl later this year. Road trips, softball games, concerts, golf dates, snuggles with my dog...life is good.

But before? A few years ago, I was S T R U G G L I N G.

I never make New Year's resolutions, because I know I won't keep them. I have no willpower. Why set myself up for defeat, right?

But one New Year's Eve.... I made a decision. I was going to choose a word for that upcoming year. I chose gratitude. I don't know why. Maybe I thought choosing that word would speak it into existence. I just knew I needed to do something to shift my focus from everything and everyone I'd lost to just appreciating the life I have and get to live every day.

I downloaded an app on my phone (Presently) that sends me a notification every night. It asks me "What are you grateful for today?"

850 days of gratitude. Every day, that little app on my phone reminds me that there's always, always something to be grateful for. Most days it's something trivial... I'm grateful for my heating pad, or I'm grateful for sunshine. Often I put that I'm grateful for my husband, or my friends, my kids... There have been many times that I've been grateful for DoorDash. haha  Sometimes I'm just grateful to be grateful!

Recently on a road trip, Hubby and I took the Love Languages quiz. Mine was Acts of Service, which is pretty spot on for me. But I honestly think music is my love language. One of the things in life I'm most grateful for is music. I listen to music at work, at home, in the car.... I love going to concerts because live music is just the BEST. I have a country playlist, a Christian music playlist, a playlist that has everything from Celine Dion to Aerosmith to Glen Campbell. 

One of my absolute favorite songs is Gratitude by Brandon Lake. I listen to it every day on my way to work because it grounds me and puts me in a good mood. (I really do) Recently we saw Brandon Lake in concert. I have been to a LOT of concerts in my 53 years.... everyone from Neil Diamond, Billy Joel, Garth Brooks, and Rod Stewart to George Strait, Journey, Post Malone and Morgan Wallen (a lot of times... ha ha). Brandon Lake's show is right up at the top of my list. It was incredible. The production—the lights, the sound, the stage, the setlist.... all amazing. His vocals are crazy good. The way he uses his songs and his platform to just share his love for God...I wish I could go again and again. 
(To the naysayers who think he's a fake Christian or feel like his message is wrong or whatever, keep it to yourself. God judges, we don't. I don't listen to Brandon Lake because I believe everything he says or sings about. I listen to him because I love his music and it puts ME in the mood to allow God into my heart.)

I always take pictures and videos during concerts. I don't always go back and watch them, but I like to document the memory. When he sang Gratitude, I asked Hubby to record it so I could just be PRESENT. It was incredible. 12,000 people with their hands raised, singing a song that I love so much.

I don't think it's a coincidence that one of my very favorite songs, and one of the best concert moments I've experienced, is also the word I chose that one New Year's Eve when I needed to reset my heart and mind. 

Gratitude. 

Click on the image to see the full video of Gratitude from
Brandon Lake's concert Saturday May 2
 He livestreamed from Charleston, SC (his hometown)
the final night of his tour 

Kicking cancer's ass - day 4542

 

My friend Kathryn calls birthdays after cancer "bonus birthdays". And she's right. Every birthday, every DAY, after everything I went through to survive cancer is a gift.

Today is my birthday. And today I'm asking the question most cancer patients ask. "Why me?" 

I'm not asking why I got cancer. I've never asked that. Survivor guilt is real, however, and sometimes it's a struggle to understand God's plan.

While I am incredibly grateful to be alive and well, this time of year seems to be a season of loss for me. 

I had two miscarriages (one before J and one before K). The first was on my birthday. The second one was shortly after my birthday a few years later.

My lifelong BFF Trudy passed away right after my birthday in 2018. The last time I saw her, hugged her, and told her "I love you BAH" was on my birthday. She sang happy birthday to me from her hospice bed.

My brother passed away unexpectedly on March 1, 2019, so that date is looming.

The anniversary of my dad's passing was last week. 

It seems like the universe conspires against me this time of year. 2026 hasn't started any better.

Yesterday two children of long-time family friends were killed in an auto accident. It was horrific and shocking and so unexpected. I still feel like it's something from a movie.

I've known Brileigh (19) and her brother Kyler (16) since Kelsie was 8 years old. Brileigh joined Kelsie's travel softball team and became one of "my girls". Hubby coached that team for years and years, and I know he would have done, and still would do ANYTHING for any of them. They weren't just our players or Kelsie's friends. They were our softball family.

Brileigh was larger than life. If there was fun to be had, noise to be made, dirt to slide in... B was your girl. She was always the one to get her uniform dirty first, and I can't tell you how many times her dad asked me to order more pants because Brileigh would tear hers up sliding & diving on the softball field.

I didn't know her little brother Kyler that well because he was busy with his own activities. I know he leaves behind grieving parents, brothers & sisters, his school, community and church family.

This is where the "why me" comes in. I know we're not supposed to question God's timing. But these two beautiful souls who loved their friends, loved sports, loved Jesus... why did they leave this earth before me? I get to "celebrate" another birthday and they are no longer here.

For so many years, this was my view of the softball field. My daughter in the pitching circle, Brileigh at shortstop. I can't even remember how many weekends she spent with our family. Her parents had jobs and five other kids, so B often traveled to tournaments with us. 

She was the life of the party, always either making us laugh or making us crazy. She had a big, loving heart and I can't stand the emptiness she leaves behind.

She has been one of Kelsie's closest friends for a decade, and that's devastating for my girl. 

Kelsie, Natalie and Brileigh were like the three amigos... often where you'd find two, you'd find all three. They went to three different high schools, had different groups of friends, but their bond remained strong.

Kelsie said to me yesterday, "I just texted Brileigh this morning." 😢 

These girls grew up on the softball field together. Some teammates came and went over the years, but many true, solid friendships endured. Once a Lady Diamond, always a Lady Diamond (even when the girls decided to change the name... ha ha). As the team mom/organizer/scorekeeper, they were and always will be MY girls. 

My heart breaks thinking of Brileigh & Kyler's parents. It's devastating to lose one child. But to lose two at the same time? Unfathomable. Their older brother, younger brother and sisters... there are no words. These two leave behind legions of friends, teammates, teachers, and coaches who will miss them terribly.

A few years ago Brileigh shared this photo on her Instagram story. 

Boyd was often hard on his players (just ask Kels), but he was also their biggest cheerleader. He has a huge heart for these girls, and this is a tough loss.

As you go about your day—and in the days to come—please keep everyone who loved Brileigh and Kyler in your prayers. 

This one hurts.

*Edited to add: https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-for-the-dailey-family-after-tragic-loss