Kicking cancer's ass - day 4703

Parenting adult children is a mixed bag of blessings. I love seeing who they are turning out to be. I love watching them succeed as they navigate life. Thriving at jobs and school, surrounding themselves with good people, forging their own paths... it's incredible to watch. But I miss my kids. Not only do I love them, I genuinely LIKE them and I miss being a part of their everyday lives. (Thank God for Snapchat... ha ha) They are smart and kind and funny and being their mom has always brought me such joy. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, and I saw a post this morning on Facebook which described it perfectly.

This resonates with me SO MUCH. If you know me at all, you know I love lighthouses. I have ever since I was a little girl sleeping in the same bed in the same beach house in the same small town in Maine watching the lighthouse through the window every night for one magical week each summer. I am a lighthouse.

I know our job as parents is to make sure our kids grow up to be responsible adults and prepare them for life... and slowly they start needing us less and less. That's the way it's supposed to be, but that's a hard one for me. I like to be needed. I like to help, I like to solve problems, I like to be a part of things with them. Going from being the quarterback of the team to a fan in the bleachers is an adjustment I don't think I was fully prepared for. 

One sentence from that post really struck me:

Maybe it’s about learning to love them from the shore, keep the light on, and trust that no matter how far they sail, they’ll always know how to find their way home.

A mother's job is never done. The worry never goes away. The prayers are nonstop. But maybe these words will help me navigate through this season of my children finding their own way—they need me less, and the ways they need me has changed, but I can be their lighthouse. Watching. Steady. And keeping the light on at home.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 4634

 

Several years ago, I was struggling. 

Work was incredibly stressful, finances were tight, lingering effects of cancer treatment were bringing me down, and life was just HARD. I know a lot of people have a tough road to follow, so my being sad or stressed or anxious or whatever was nothing special. We all face battles, most of which we don't even see.

My cancer diagnosis in 2013 was devastating. Treatment was grueling, surgeries were endless. It all took a toll on me and my family. It still does. PTSD after cancer is real, trust me.

A year later my friend Allyson passed away. She had ovarian cancer. She was one of the best people I knew, and she helped me TREMENDOUSLY throughout my cancer treatments. She said "If I can use what I know firsthand to help someone else, then it's worth it."

In 2018 I lost my BFF—also to cancer. She was the Thelma to my Louise. Even though we didn't live anywhere near each other anymore, I didn't know how to do life without her. I still don't.

A year later my big brother died unexpectedly. Suddenly I'm an only child. He was larger than life, always the guy up for anything. He lived big and he loved bigger. And I don't have him in my life anymore.

In 2022 I lost my dad. A girl never stops needing her dad. Even though it was time, he'd struggled for a long time and he was ready, I wasn't. My family unit was shrinking.

In just a few short years I'd had to say goodbye to a lot of people who meant a lot to me. I hate to say it, but my faith took a beating. It's hard, when things happen like that, to not ask "WHY???". Why did a good Christian woman like Allyson have to leave her three little boys without a mom? Why did I survive the exact same diagnosis as Trudy, and she didn't? Why did God take so many people close to my heart? Why? Why? Why?

Enter GRATITUDE.

It's not like I was never grateful for what I have. After everything I'd been through, the saying "Every day is a gift, that's why it's called the present" could not be more true. I am so thankful to be alive and well. I'm incredibly grateful for my husband, my rock. He makes me laugh even when I don't want to, and holds me up when I can't stand on my own.

I have the most amazing, supportive mom, and the best kids who we somehow managed to raise to become amazing human beings. I'm so thankful that I've been here for my kids' high school graduations, I'm here to see my daughter thrive in college, and I get to watch my son marry the sweetest girl later this year. Road trips, softball games, concerts, golf dates, snuggles with my dog...life is good.

But before? A few years ago, I was S T R U G G L I N G.

I never make New Year's resolutions, because I know I won't keep them. I have no willpower. Why set myself up for defeat, right?

But one New Year's Eve.... I made a decision. I was going to choose a word for that upcoming year. I chose gratitude. I don't know why. Maybe I thought choosing that word would speak it into existence. I just knew I needed to do something to shift my focus from everything and everyone I'd lost to just appreciating the life I have and get to live every day.

I downloaded an app on my phone (Presently) that sends me a notification every night. It asks me "What are you grateful for today?"

850 days of gratitude. Every day, that little app on my phone reminds me that there's always, always something to be grateful for. Most days it's something trivial... I'm grateful for my heating pad, or I'm grateful for sunshine. Often I put that I'm grateful for my husband, or my friends, my kids... There have been many times that I've been grateful for DoorDash. haha  Sometimes I'm just grateful to be grateful!

Recently on a road trip, Hubby and I took the Love Languages quiz. Mine was Acts of Service, which is pretty spot on for me. But I honestly think music is my love language. One of the things in life I'm most grateful for is music. I listen to music at work, at home, in the car.... I love going to concerts because live music is just the BEST. I have a country playlist, a Christian music playlist, a playlist that has everything from Celine Dion to Aerosmith to Glen Campbell. 

One of my absolute favorite songs is Gratitude by Brandon Lake. I listen to it every day on my way to work because it grounds me and puts me in a good mood. (I really do) Recently we saw Brandon Lake in concert. I have been to a LOT of concerts in my 53 years.... everyone from Neil Diamond, Billy Joel, Garth Brooks, and Rod Stewart to George Strait, Journey, Post Malone and Morgan Wallen (a lot of times... ha ha). Brandon Lake's show is right up at the top of my list. It was incredible. The production—the lights, the sound, the stage, the setlist.... all amazing. His vocals are crazy good. The way he uses his songs and his platform to just share his love for God...I wish I could go again and again. 
(To the naysayers who think he's a fake Christian or feel like his message is wrong or whatever, keep it to yourself. God judges, we don't. I don't listen to Brandon Lake because I believe everything he says or sings about. I listen to him because I love his music and it puts ME in the mood to allow God into my heart.)

I always take pictures and videos during concerts. I don't always go back and watch them, but I like to document the memory. When he sang Gratitude, I asked Hubby to record it so I could just be PRESENT. It was incredible. 12,000 people with their hands raised, singing a song that I love so much.

I don't think it's a coincidence that one of my very favorite songs, and one of the best concert moments I've experienced, is also the word I chose that one New Year's Eve when I needed to reset my heart and mind. 

Gratitude. 

Click on the image to see the full video of Gratitude from
Brandon Lake's concert Saturday May 2
 He livestreamed from Charleston, SC (his hometown)
the final night of his tour 

Kicking cancer's ass - day 4542

 

My friend Kathryn calls birthdays after cancer "bonus birthdays". And she's right. Every birthday, every DAY, after everything I went through to survive cancer is a gift.

Today is my birthday. And today I'm asking the question most cancer patients ask. "Why me?" 

I'm not asking why I got cancer. I've never asked that. Survivor guilt is real, however, and sometimes it's a struggle to understand God's plan.

While I am incredibly grateful to be alive and well, this time of year seems to be a season of loss for me. 

I had two miscarriages (one before J and one before K). The first was on my birthday. The second one was shortly after my birthday a few years later.

My lifelong BFF Trudy passed away right after my birthday in 2018. The last time I saw her, hugged her, and told her "I love you BAH" was on my birthday. She sang happy birthday to me from her hospice bed.

My brother passed away unexpectedly on March 1, 2019, so that date is looming.

The anniversary of my dad's passing was last week. 

It seems like the universe conspires against me this time of year. 2026 hasn't started any better.

Yesterday two children of long-time family friends were killed in an auto accident. It was horrific and shocking and so unexpected. I still feel like it's something from a movie.

I've known Brileigh (19) and her brother Kyler (16) since Kelsie was 8 years old. Brileigh joined Kelsie's travel softball team and became one of "my girls". Hubby coached that team for years and years, and I know he would have done, and still would do ANYTHING for any of them. They weren't just our players or Kelsie's friends. They were our softball family.

Brileigh was larger than life. If there was fun to be had, noise to be made, dirt to slide in... B was your girl. She was always the one to get her uniform dirty first, and I can't tell you how many times her dad asked me to order more pants because Brileigh would tear hers up sliding & diving on the softball field.

I didn't know her little brother Kyler that well because he was busy with his own activities. I know he leaves behind grieving parents, brothers & sisters, his school, community and church family.

This is where the "why me" comes in. I know we're not supposed to question God's timing. But these two beautiful souls who loved their friends, loved sports, loved Jesus... why did they leave this earth before me? I get to "celebrate" another birthday and they are no longer here.

For so many years, this was my view of the softball field. My daughter in the pitching circle, Brileigh at shortstop. I can't even remember how many weekends she spent with our family. Her parents had jobs and five other kids, so B often traveled to tournaments with us. 

She was the life of the party, always either making us laugh or making us crazy. She had a big, loving heart and I can't stand the emptiness she leaves behind.

She has been one of Kelsie's closest friends for a decade, and that's devastating for my girl. 

Kelsie, Natalie and Brileigh were like the three amigos... often where you'd find two, you'd find all three. They went to three different high schools, had different groups of friends, but their bond remained strong.

Kelsie said to me yesterday, "I just texted Brileigh this morning." 😢 

These girls grew up on the softball field together. Some teammates came and went over the years, but many true, solid friendships endured. Once a Lady Diamond, always a Lady Diamond (even when the girls decided to change the name... ha ha). As the team mom/organizer/scorekeeper, they were and always will be MY girls. 

My heart breaks thinking of Brileigh & Kyler's parents. It's devastating to lose one child. But to lose two at the same time? Unfathomable. Their older brother, younger brother and sisters... there are no words. These two leave behind legions of friends, teammates, teachers, and coaches who will miss them terribly.

A few years ago Brileigh shared this photo on her Instagram story. 

Boyd was often hard on his players (just ask Kels), but he was also their biggest cheerleader. He has a huge heart for these girls, and this is a tough loss.

As you go about your day—and in the days to come—please keep everyone who loved Brileigh and Kyler in your prayers. 

This one hurts.

*Edited to add: https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-for-the-dailey-family-after-tragic-loss

Kicking cancers ass - day 4503

I love giving gifts. LOVE IT.  I am always on the hunt for the most perfect gift every time. I'm not someone who normally goes to a random store to buy a gift off the shelf (unless the person is hard to buy for or I'm in a time crunch). Not that there's anything wrong with shopping like that... it's just not my usual method. My hubby laughs at me, but I start Christmas shopping months and months ahead of time, because I want the gifts I give to be the most thoughtful, meaningful, personal thing each time. I want the person receiving the gift to know I thought of them when I picked it out. 

Pride begets the fall. Unfortunately this year, exchanging Christmas gifts just made me a little sad. Not because of my gifts... I was totally spoiled and got everything I wanted and more. 🎁 

My Christmas joy is a little dim because I was too excited about my own creativity and maybe even a little arrogant about my gifting prowess.

It wasn't one, or two, but quite a few gifts I gave this Christmas where the level of excitement of the receiver did not come close to matching mine as the giver of what I thought to be the perfect gift. The "oh my gosh this is so great! I love it so much!" that I was expecting didn't come. And I know...I know... giving gifts is about celebrating the people in your life and showing that they matter. I'm not sad that I didn't get enough praise. I'm sad because my gifts maybe weren't as special as I wanted them to be. And it wasn't just one. 

One gift that I thought was so beautiful and sentimental was... let's just say I felt like I had given a 7 year old a pair of socks for Christmas. It did not inspire the touching reaction I expected. 

Another was a gift where the recipient knew what the gift was, so I tried to come up with a fun, creative way to deliver it. It didn't seem like the gift or the presentation were as great as I thought. What I'd hoped was a clever and resourceful way of giving a basic (but great) gift seemed less like fun and almost kind of annoying in real time. 

Another gift I thought I was so crafty in making was kind of a bust. While the gift was well received, the personalization I had carefully chosen didn’t stand out.

Finally, the one gift I was SO over the top excited about giving was...meh. I thought of a unique way to present a gift that took time and effort to bring to fruition. I made a whole "theme" for the gift, with little additional items that went along with the main gift.  And it flopped. It flopped so bad that the recipient didn't even really get the gist of the gift until I spelled it out.  

SIGH. 

Maybe I'm losing my knack for getting just the right gift. Maybe I'm trying too hard to find the perfect gift.  Probably my expectations were just way too high...after all, what feels extraordinary to me may land quietly with someone else.

I know I'll never stop trying to find fun, meaningful gifts. It's just who I am. But after today, I know I'll try to temper my excitement and expectations over the gifts I give, just in case my loved ones are less than impressed with gifts that I'm SO pleased to give. 

Bah humbug.

Until next Christmas. 

Kicking cancer's ass - day 4500

Here's a word of advice for couples with children... if you think life will slow down when you are "empty nesters", you are WRONG! I looked back at my last blog post and it was THREE MONTHS AGO. Like, what? I don't even have a half hour to write something in my blog and now it's almost Christmas? What is going on???

Turns out, a lot has been going on! Working full time with two side gigs is not for sissies. I'm always working. It's a good problem to have, especially because I work with some really great people who definitely appreciate me, but I need to be more diligent about scheduling some down time for myself. Maybe that's my goal for 2026. 

Jared and Brooke have settled in to their new house and are starting to wade into wedding planning! (Well, Brooke is, Jared just says "whatever she wants"). Kelsie is thriving at Hardin Simmons and waitressing at the country club.

Have you noticed that the older you get, the harder it is to recover from a simple cold? I was under the weather for several WEEKS... with nothing more than a cold. No fever, no body aches, no bad cough. It started out as a sore throat when we went to the Texas Longhorns football game (I thought it was just from being out in the night air), then it morphed into the never-ending congestion and fatigue. As I was recovering from that, we were creeping up on Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving? Wasn't it just summer?

We were SO happy to have my mom and Dana here for a visit. It was too short (aren't they always?), but we packed a lot in. They arrived on Jared's birthday, and his birthday dinner of choice every year is Abuelo's. After dinner, we went back to Jared's house to have birthday cake. Mom and Dana LOVED Jared and Brooke's home. It's so perfect for them. I don't know how I can possibly be old enough to have a 24 year old son who owns a home and is getting married, but that's another story.

Another favorite "must eat" when Mom comes to Abilene is Vagabond Pizza. We went downtown for lunch the Saturday after Thanksgiving, then went to tour the Grace Museum—Jared and Brooke's wedding venue next November. It was so wonderful to see it and get all the details of how it will all work. There was even a vow renewal ceremony that day, so we were able to see it all dressed up. I'm so grateful that Brooke arranged that during my mom's visit.

We managed to squeeze in a dinner at Perini's (Boyd wasn't feeling well so he missed out) on the coldest day of the year so far, and showed Grammie & Dana Kelsie's apartment. Zora LOVED having new people to get attention from.

In between the cold from hell and the holiday/birthday/visit chaos, we decided to have our carpet replaced with vinyl flooring. What were we thinking???  I know what *I* was thinking. I've been wanting to get rid of our carpet for YEARS (kids + pets + Texas dirt = GROSS), so when hubby started talking about it, I delayed my Christmas decorating for a week and ran with it! I worked from home for a few days while they installed the floors. I LOVE THEM!

As if all of that wasn't enough, Boyd had surgery on December 4th. 

It's a long story, but after almost six months of tests and scans and doctor visits, it was determined that one side of his diaphragm is paralyzed and caused his lung to partially collapse. That explains why he's had chest pain, shortness of breath, fatigue and even unexplained weight loss for the past year. It took a handful of blood tests, several CT scans and x-rays, a few pulmonary function tests, an endoscopy, colonoscopy, visits to his primary care doctor, cardiologist, gastro-intestinal doctor and pulmonary doctor, and a "sniff" test... and it was that last 30 second test that sealed the deal. When you breathe in (or sniff), your diaphragm is supposed to lower, giving your lungs room to expand. During Boyd's sniff test, the left side of his diaphragm didn't move. 

Recovery from surgery has been slower than Boyd would like... but what better time to slow down and take it easy than the holidays?

Last month I saw both my oncologist here in Abilene and my surgical oncology team in Dallas. I also learned that I will not be seeing either of them next year! Dr. Heaven, my oncologist, is retiring, so I will be assigned to another medical oncologist in his office. He gave me a hug and said he was proud of me... it was so touching. My surgical oncologist is transferring me to the survivorship care team, and I'll see a PA with them from now on. It's bittersweet, because it's a blessing to be outliving my doctors' care, but it's kind of like giving up my safety net, not seeing them any longer.

Today marks day 4500 of kicking cancer's ass. It has not been easy, and even now I have good days and bad, both mentally and physically. However, I am so thankful for every single day that I get to spend with my family and friends, the memories I am still here to make, and the people who have helped me along the way. 

We are in the home stretch before Christmas, and then we can all make New Year's resolutions that we won't keep. ha ha  From my family to yours, Merry Christmas, and a happy and HEALTHY new year for everyone!