Kicking cancer's ass - day 1273

Survivor's Guilt.

Survivor guilt is a mental condition that occurs when a person perceives themselves to have done wrong by surviving a traumatic event when others did not.

We all know the statistics.  One in eight women will get breast cancer in their lifetime.  My best friend, my best friend's mom, my sister-in-law, my mother-in-law, me..... that's more than one in eight for me.  Scary, huh?  My mother-in-law and my BFF's mom have both passed away.  My BFF, my sis-in-law, me?  We're all doing good.  Alive and well.  What's the difference?  How does fate decide who gets a pass?  

You're probably thinking age is a factor.  And maybe you're partly right.  Someone in their 60s or 70s is not going to be as strong or as healthy as someone half their age, so maybe their body can't fight cancer as well.  But you know what?  Cancer doesn't always discriminate.  Or only pick on the old, frail and weak.

For three years I've belonged to a support group for breast cancer survivors - Ciao Bellas.  My lovely friend D invited me when I was just starting my journey, and I'm forever grateful for the support I've received from these wonderful ladies.  My lovely Bellas were dealt a tough hand this week.  We lost not one but two of our friends.  Lorie was 42 years old.  Vanessa was only 32.  

I never got the chance to meet either of them in person, but I got to know them through other women who did.  Every Bella has been in the same trenches at one time or another.  Some are thriving years after diagnosis.  Some are just beginning their fight.  We all have the same goal - to live.  To know that not one but two young ladies, younger than me, were taken way too soon by the same disease I'm surviving is a big blow.  

I know people die from cancer every day.  It's why the words "you have cancer" are so terrifying.  It may not be the automatic death sentence it used to be, but it can be.  For Lorie, and for Vanessa, it was.  My heart aches for their families... for the people who loved these women.  Vanessa has an eight year old little girl.  Can you imagine?  I look at my daughter, just two years older than that, and my heart freezes in fear.  

I don't think I necessarily have survivor guilt.  It's not a contest.  We are all in it to win.  Nobody loses when someone wins the fight against cancer (except cancer!).  But I won't lie and say I don't ask "why her and not me" when something like this happens.  It could very easily be me.  I know many, many breast cancer survivors.  That is amazing.  And wonderful.  But the fact that there are people connected to me who did not survive is a crushing blow.  And it reignites the fear that is always lurking.

The best way I know to pay tribute to the amazing women who were taken too soon is to embrace my survivorship.  Cherish every day.  Count my blessings.  Take care of myself.  Appreciate life.  Know that each day is a gift. 

And pray for the ones who loved those we've lost.

To Lorie, and to Vanessa.....God bless you, Bellas.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1267

For the past 17 years, this man has been my friend, my shoulder to cry on, my partner in crime, my rock, my love.

My Valentine.

Happy  Valentine's Day.  I love you forever.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1266

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day - the day to celebrate love.

I have more reasons than most to celebrate.  Did you know when you Google "breast cancer and marriage", some of the first pages that come up are titled "First comes breast cancer, then comes divorce"?  That's sad. There are a lot of life-changing events that take a toll on marriage:  children, jobs, moving, death, and yes - cancer.

My greatest hope is that every woman facing this dark journey has an amazing support system.  That could be mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, children or friends.  For me, it was all of those (well, except the sister part), which makes me a lucky lady.  I'm even more lucky that I've been surrounded by, covered with and lifted up by the love of an amazing man.

There is nothing easy or fun about breast cancer.  Bottom line - a cancer diagnosis means you are in a fight for your life.  Even now, three and a half years later, I'm still fighting.  Even though treatments and surgeries are in my rearview mirror (and hopefully will stay there!), I'm still fighting through it.  Chemo, radiation, hormone therapy, more surgeries than you can count on one hand...it all takes a toll.   

The best medicine in the world, for me, is having a husband who doesn't bat an eye at any of it.  I know this hasn't been easy for him.  But through 1264 days of living with a breast cancer diagnosis, he has always made it all about me.  Even though his burden has been just as heavy, he has never once let me feel it.  He has shouldered all of my troubles as well as his own, without complaint, since d-day.

Fifteen and a half years ago, Hubby said those vows to me.  Back then I was young and healthy.  I was the one who teased him about getting older and having to take all kinds of medicine.  Little did we know that a bride ten years his junior would get breast cancer at age 40.  Suddenly HE was the healthy one having to take care of me.  My part of the medicine cabinet rivals his now.  We have an ongoing argument about which one of us is more exhausted, or who is in more pain.  It's a weird bonding thing I guess..... but you know what?  On this, the eve of our 17th Valentine's Day together, after everything we've been through as husband and wife, I'm blessed that we still have the bond that we do.

Having cancer changes a person.  I'm not the same as I was before August 1, 2013.  I hate that for me.  I'm older and wiser, but not so sweet or innocent.  My body is different... and scarred.  I've had to find a strength I didn't think I had.  I've had to find a way to live with fear.  I've had to find a way to love the new me.   Loving someone with cancer changes a person.   I'm not the same person Hubby fell in love with.  I hate that for him.  He didn't ask for this, he didn't sign on for this, and he doesn't deserve it.  But he has never once let on that he feels that way.  He continues to love me better than anyone - day by day, month by month, year by year.  

I am blessed.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1258

Some random insomniac blogging tidbits....

I don't need a special day to talk about cancer.... I do that every day!  ha ha
But today, February 4, is World Cancer Day.  (www.worldcancerday.org/)

From that web site:

A truly global event taking place every year on 4 February, World Cancer Day unites the world’s population in the fight against cancer.
It aims to save millions of preventable deaths each year by raising awareness and education about the disease, pressing governments and individuals across the world to take action. 

I realize I should have posted about this BEFORE the end of the day, but better late than never.  In my opinion, anything, anything at all these days, that includes uniting the world's population AND a fight against cancer is a spectacular idea.

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I had a long, busy day today.  I was wiped out when I got home at 7:30pm.  WIPED OUT.
It is now 11:42pm.  Wiped out is gone and wide awake took its place.  Sigh.

According to my Fitbit, my sleep average was 4.35 hours/night this week.  Pathetic.  I like sleep.  No, I love sleep! It's not that I don't want to sleep, or I'm too sick, stressed, depressed or anxious to sleep.  I just can't.  I go to bed and I'm wide awake.   I wake up a lot during the night, and not just the toss and turn kind of waking.  I'm talking about get out of bed to go to the bathroom, or go to the kitchen to get a drink and make a detour to check email/facebook/weather kind of waking.  

My friend S says I'm like a baby whose internal clock is backwards.  That's exactly it.  I have my days and nights mixed up.  

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K had a friend spend the night last night.  Her friend's name is the same as K's.  Their last names both start with a B.  It's a little confusing.  And a little amusing to have to use your child's last name in your own house.  They were in the same preschool class years ago.  Now they are in the same fifth grade class.  K's friend K is a sweet, easygoing girl.  I'm pleased as punch.
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Tomorrow is Super Bowl Sunday.  Not only are my Cowboys not in the big game (despite getting my hopes up by kicking ass all season), but the Patriots are in the big game.  Again.  Tom Brady is cute and all, but good God, can't they just go away?

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I have another friend S who never fails to make me smile.  She sent me a FIVE POUND BAG of gummy bears for my birthday.  And not only does she indulge my obsession, but she shares it.  Haribo fans unite!

I miss her every single day.  She was my bring me food when I'm sick friend.  My walking buddy friend.  My help me out at the softball fields at 2am during a tournament friend.  My come over just to hang out and talk friend.  Then she moved.  Far away.  So now she's my late night texting conversations friend.  And my Vegas roommate friend.  I'm very grateful for modern technology that allows me to keep in touch - frequently at all hours - with friends like S.  But man, life is NOT the same without her here.
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Monday my son starts driver's ed.  Say WHAT?  I knew I had a teenager, but driver's ed??  That's for, like, people that can drive!  When did I get old enough to have a kid that drives?  I guess the whole high school thing didn't really sink in yet.

Thanks for keeping me company.  If you see him, send the sandman my way.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1255

What does my birthday February 2, 1973 mean?
Your birthday numbers 2, 2 and 1973 reveal that your Life Path number is 6. It represents justice, nurturing and responsibility. You possess great compassion and seek to be of service to others.

What else?
This.... all of this.

The realest one you will ever meet....How cool is that?

Even in this day and age of incredible medical advancements and unbelievable technology, I doubt there is a person alive who has heard the words "you have cancer" and didn't immediately think, for one fleeting moment, that they were going to die.  I knew I had cancer the minute I felt the lump.  And I knew it was going to be bad.  It wasn't easy, and it's still an every day fight, and will be for the rest of my life... but I did survive, and I earned the right to wear a crown.  A pink, sparkly one.

"Birthdays have become a symbol. They epitomize opportunity, growth, and life. They represent hope, gratitude, and blessings. Each morning I wake up to see another day… to create new memories… to enjoy my friends and family… to follow my passions… I am blessed. "

(from the blog:  Derailing my Diagnosis)

My good friend K, another cancer survivor, calls our post-diagnosis birthdays "Bonus Birthdays."  When I turned 40, I felt great.  I was in terrific shape, I was busy and happy and in love with life.  When I turned 41, I felt awful.  I was bald, pale, weak, and a month post-op from having my breasts removed.  When I turned 42, I was extremely anemic thanks to treatment and having undergone seven surgeries in less than two years, to the point where I had to revisit the chemo room for iron infusions.  Talk about flashbacks.

Now.... I am 44.  I am busy with work and home, a husband and kids.  I do laundry and pay bills, cook dinner and text my friends.  I finally enjoy reading again and hope to get back out on the golf course this year.  I am a part-time bookkeeper, a full time wife, a proud band parent, my daughter's biggest fan, and an overworked yet underpaid softball league VP.

Celebrating another year of this crazy busy life, for me, is definitely a bonus.  And what's a bonus birthday without cake?  There are so many pretty ones that I would love to appreciate for a second and then dive right in.  But I think this one might just be my favorite:

It's simple.  It's small (so I don't have to share).  It quietly sends a statement in its own beautiful, understated way.  It's truly deserving of a bonus birthday celebration.  I want to savor it.

And while I'm enjoying that pretty little cake, remember this:

Damn straight.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1247

Words written from the heart  💓

Cancer is a terrible thing.

   One day you and your spouse and kids are living the American dream.  You own a house, cars, a business. You go on vacation; your kids are in sports which keeps you busy all the time. Life is good.

   Your spouse is the nicest, sweetest, most caring person you have ever met.  Anything and everything she does is to make others happy. Some would say she is too sweet and caring. But that is who she is and that is who you fell in love with.

   You will do anything to help someone, but your personality is far different than your spouse's, and people will either like you or not. …there is no in between.

   The kids luckily get their caring, soft hearts from their mother; the oldest (not being from this mother) poor thing takes after his dad in many ways.

   All is normal American family time UNTIL one day your spouse discovers she has cancer. From that day forward nothing will ever be the same. After 2 ½ years and 7 or 8 surgeries, most people think it is over and your spouse is back to “normal”. What people do not realize is for a cancer patient (and their caregiver) nothing will ever be “normal” again. Every little pain, every time you “feel” different, anytime a new spot shows up, you are scared to death.

   The cancer patient will never be normal again because her body and mind have been scarred for life. This person that was once the sweetest, most caring person is not that same person any more… not because she does not want to be, but because this has made her that way. People she knows, friends, colleagues etc. think that everything is back to normal, but it is not and never will be. This cancer person is a bit more rough around the edges, she will no longer go with the flow, she will stand up for herself, she will not let anyone walk over her like before. She used to think and consider things before reacting, but now if there is something she thinks is wrong she will confront right then and there. That is something she would never do before.

   As for the caregiver, they usually go into this thinking only of the cancer patient, which is normal and very understandable. But these people change during this adventure too. I can only speak for the one I know. This caregiver was always easy going and it took a lot to upset him. This person was told to make sure and take time for himself during this whole thing. Well he did not believe or think he needed that. He has since learned that a caregiver needs to take that advice, otherwise it will build up and eat you alive. This once easy going guy let all the anger and hate build up and had no release for it. Still to this day, when it blows he does not hold back. It no longer takes very much to upset this person.

   Please do not think you know anything about how a cancer patient should feel.  Please don’t think, “Ok they have finished everything so they should now be back to normal”. There is no back to normal. There is only one way you will ever know how a cancer patient or caregiver feels, and I pray to God that you never have the opportunity to know.

  This cancer patient is still the greatest, most loving person there is. Knowing all this, either understand her new normal and be her friend or don’t and stop acting.

My Hubby is not a writer, and he is not one to share his feelings, especially with the entire world like this.  He recently sent that to me, and I'm sharing with his permission.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1245

Insomniac blogging....

Channeling my inner Allyson Hendrickson here.  I don't know if you can consider it insomniac blogging if it's not the middle of the night, so give me a little leeway.  Last night I was fast asleep on the couch before my ten year old daughter went to bed.  (Hint:  she didn't stay up late)   Tonight it's 11pm and I'm wide awake.  There is no rhyme or reason to my sleep pattern (or lack of).  There is also no rhyme or reason to my post tonight... just some random musings about my life lately.

• Speaking of Allyson Hendrickson, I miss her.  I miss having friends like her.  Friends who lifted me up.  Friends who made me laugh.  Friends who loved me and my family unconditionally.  Allyson never once disappointed me, and she was true right down to her bones.  That can't be said about too many people in my life these days.  Even in her darkest days, she found ways to be there for me in MY darkest days.  She cared, and I knew it.
  (No offense to the true people I do still have in my life... you know who you are and you know I love you.)

• Hubby doesn't think his neck surgery worked.  He's been having nerve pain by his shoulder blade the last week or so.  He has his six week follow up with the surgeon Wednesday, so it'll be interesting to hear what Dr. M has to say.  It took a LOT for my hubby to bite the bullet and have surgery, and to think it might not have fixed him?  Ugh.  Living with chronic pain is awful.  Prayers for him would be appreciated.

• Speaking of Hubby.... a few weeks ago he lost his wedding ring.  He doesn't know where.  He doesn't know when.  He just knew one day he looked down and it wasn't on his finger.  It wasn't loose, so it's highly unlikely that it fell off.  It's a mystery.  What's even a bigger mystery is why the cleaning lady at work found it in the trash can!  First of all, WHY was it in the trash can, and how did it get there?  Second, why was she LOOKING in the trash can?  Told you... it's a mystery.  

• I do not like video games.  This is unacceptable to my children, who are obsessed with them.  If not video games, then YouTube videos of other people playing video games.  How is this fun?  My kids will start telling me about the latest game they discovered and my eyes glaze over.  Even worse, they'll try to tell me about someone they follow on YouTube who posted a new video.  Um.  I don't care!  Give me a slot machine to play, or a football game to watch, or a book to read.... then I'll be interested!

• Tomorrow I have to have a chest CT scan.  This isn't cancer-related (I hope!), but it is illness-related.  My chest x-ray before Christmas when I was really sick showed a shadow on my lung.  They said it was suspicious for pneumonia.  After three rounds of antibiotics and a week with Tamiflu, I was still coughing and my chest x-ray still looked the same.  That concerned my doctor enough to order the CT scan.  I haven't had any cancer-related scans since I finished chemo over three years ago.
  If I had never had cancer, I would just be complaining about this stupid cough that won't go away.  Since I did have cancer, my mind immediately pounces on the "shadow on my lung" part and thinks the worst.  I'm thankful that I haven't had to suffer through "scanxiety" in years... but on the other hand, without a technological peek inside my body, who knows what is lurking in there?!?!?!?  Prayers for me at 1pm would be appreciated.  Actually, forget that.  Prayers for me until I get the results from my doctor would be appreciated.  The scan is a piece of cake.  It's the waiting and not knowing that sucks.

  

• Whatever happens with Hubby on Wednesday, I know he will deal with it.  He's the strongest person I know.  I hope there is a logical explanation for his pain and that his symptoms are relieved over time.
  Whatever happens with me tomorrow, I know I will deal with it.  I've been kicking ass for one thousand, two hundred a forty-four days.  I don't often feel strong, but I never lose faith and I never give up.  

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1241

Tomorrow is Inauguration Day.  

I know this election has been tumultuous at best, and many people I know are extremely upset about who won.  I get that.  I GET IT!  But I'm tired of politics being shoved down my throat every time I look at a television, newspaper or especially Facebook.

Getting on my political soapbox for a minute.

The article that this picture is from really bothers me.  (I didn't "share" the post, just a screenshot.)

I don't care which election you talk about or which candidates were running.  There is ALWAYS a winner and there is ALWAYS a loser.  That's a fact.  The person who wins the electoral vote wins the office of President.  For every candidate that comes up short in an election, there is a whole host of supporters who did not get the President they wanted.

End of story.

I don't care who you voted for.  I don't care who you agree with or don't agree with.  I don't care if you are white, black, rich, poor, gay, bisexual or transgender.  If you're my friend, then you're my friend even if you voted for Kermit the Frog.  If I love you, I love you regardless of whether you are a Democrat or Republican.  It's like I tell my kids... you don't have to like everyone, but you do have to get along.

Millions of people voted for and support Donald Trump.  He was voted into office.  Millions of people voted for and support Hillary Clinton.  She was NOT voted into office.

You don't like Donald Trump?  That's your prerogative.  You don't have to like him.  You can turn your tv off so you don't have to listen to him.  You can march in a dozen cities this weekend to protest.  None of that changes the fact that he is the next President of the United States.  If he doesn't have your respect, his job should.

I did not vote for President Obama (the second time).  When he won, I did not make my profile picture black, boycott television or march in a protest because my candidate didn't win.  I did not cry that America was doomed.  I did not wish him harm even though he wasn't my choice.

In 2000, I did not vote for President Bush.  I voted for Al Gore, who won the popular vote but lost the electoral vote, just like Hillary Clinton this year.  I did not protest, riot, cry, or complain.  My candidate did not win, and it stung, but America made its choice.  I did not wish George Bush harm or ridicule him or disrespect him, his family or the office he held.

You know why?  Because I am an American and I love my country.

Things may not have gone your way in November and tomorrow is a disappointing day for those who feel that way.  But the world is not going to stop turning.  The sun will come up.  People will go to work, to school, on vacation.  Some things will change, just as they always do when there is a change in administration.  Some of it is scary.  Hopefully some of it will be better than people expect.  But America is still going to be the greatest country in the world... the land of the free.

There is a picture floating around on Facebook that says wanting Donald Trump to fail as President is like wanting the pilot to crash a plane that we are ALL ON.  

Tonight I will pray for my friends and family who are heartbroken, bitter and angry.  Tomorrow I will pray for Donald Trump and his administration.  I wish him well, because his success guarantees America's success.

God bless America.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1234

January.  Sigh.
Who really likes January?
I would say I have the winter blues (or to be politically correct, seasonal deficit disorder), but we haven't even really had a winter yet here in Texas.  We had a few really, really cold days, and even some snow flurries one afternoon, but that's it.  Yesterday it was 80 degrees.  Yes, eighty.  I like winter.  Maybe I'd be happier if we'd get some snow!

I'm having a hard time snapping out of this "blah" that has overtaken me lately.  Granted, I've had a rough time of it.  I got sick a week before Christmas - so sick that I had to give up my tickets to a Cowboys game!!  Talk about depressing.  Since Dec 19th I've been on three different antibiotics, and Tamiflu because my sweet little girl had the flu.  Now almost a month later, I don't feel sick anymore, but I still have a cough and overwhelming fatigue.  Tuesday I literally slept all day.  I could not even summon the energy to get off of the couch.

I don't think I'm depressed.  I've been depressed, I know what that feels like.  Not to mention I've been on antidepressants since d-day.  I think being sick and tired for so long is just getting to me.  I finally took my Christmas tree down last night.  Yes, January 11th.  My mailbox still has its Christmas garland on it.  I'll get to it.... one of these days.

My BFF lost her mom right before New Year's.  I've known her since I was twelve, and I probably spent more time at their house during high school than my own.  I flew to NY for the visitation and funeral, which was a mixed blessing.  I hadn't seen BFF in two years and we had a really good visit despite the circumstances.  She has been my bestie for over 30 years, and we can pick up where we left off no matter how long it's been.  But saying a forever goodbye to her mom, such a sweet, GOOD lady, was difficult and emotional.  And six flights, four layovers and two one-hour drives in three days was just exhausting.

Warning:  pity party ahead.
I miss my friends.  Some of the ones I'm closest to have moved away.  That sucks.  Technology allows me to converse with them whenever I want, which is great, but it's not the same as them being here.  Others are still here but circumstances have changed our friendships.  That really sucks.  I try to be a good person.  I try to be a supportive, honest, caring friend, and yet my circle just keeps getting smaller and smaller.  

When you are a cancer patient, you have to be selfish.  100% of your focus has to be on yourself:  taking care of yourself, making yourself stronger.  Maybe cancer has made me too selfish.  I've tried to take a step back and look at the friendships in my life and how they have changed, but I just don't understand it.  I feel like I'm not a priority to many of the people I care about.  S moved away, far away, and yet I talk with her more than anyone.  She makes me laugh and always asks what I need, even though she can't possibly do anything about it.  My other friend S still lives here (and probably always will, thank God), but she's going through her own issues right now.  

Are you the one who calls or texts people out of the blue, just to say hi?  Are you someone who invites a girl to lunch just to catch up?  Are you someone who asks how someone is doing... really doing?  I feel like that's me, and it's all one-sided.  I get it.  Life is busy, especially when you have kids.  I'm busy with my own family.  But I miss having a "girl posse".  I miss being checked up on.  I miss people being happy to be around me.  And it makes me sad to think I may have done something or changed in some way to cause this.

I saw this on Facebook today:

I think lately I've been my own worst enemy.  You know what?  Screw it.  I'm not even going to let ME dull my sparkle.  I adore my husband, I love my kids, and all I can do is be the best me I can be.  I'm going to sparkle the heck out of the rest of January.  Life is too short to be sad.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1225

Three years ago today I was over 100 days into my "kicking cancer's ass" journey.
It was a big day:  an eight hour bilateral mastectomy surgery that removed any cancer that chemo didn't kill.  It also meant that I would live the rest of my life without my breasts.  Even though I know it was necessary to save my life, it was still a very emotional day.

I had to laugh at some of my observations from that surgery.
This is from my blog post on day 129:

Things I've learned in the hospital:
.. It's not as fun being in the hospital when you're not having a baby. The only other times I've had a hospital stay were when I had my kids. Getting to hold a cute little newborn makes up for feeling pain and discomfort!
.. I do not like peas. I definitely don't like peas in chicken noodle soup! The food here is decent, but really... who puts peas in chicken noodle soup?
.. I have got to get me some of these inflatable leg pump things. They would go a LONG way toward helping my restless legs syndrome!! I love them. Think anyone would notice if they disappeared into my suitcase?
.. I hate hospital gowns. I was a thousand times happier once I got cleaned up and into my own pjs.
.. Having a mastectomy makes you feel like you bench pressed 500 pounds. Not that I know what that feels like exactly, but i imagine it's a similar feeling.
.. My hubby is an excellent caretaker. He has been phenomenal... right there to help me up or hand me my chap stick or get me a drink. I bet he's probably almost as exhausted as I am. I love him.
.. Sonic sweet tea is YUM, especially when you're extremely thirsty.
.. Nurses are very concerned with their patient's bathroom production.
.. Oral pain meds are not nearly as effective as the morphine pump.
.. Something about surgery made my hands swell and I haven't been able to put my wedding rings back on. This bothers me.
.. I thought I would be sad when I saw my incisions for the first time. I wasn't. I think of them as battle scars, and wear them proudly since I am kicking cancer's ass!!
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In these last three years I have gone through numerous "reconstruction" surgeries.  I find that word interesting.  Reconstruction has been a mixed blessing for me.  I don't regret any of it, even though most of it was HARD! I like looking like a normal woman in clothes.  I love that my doctor used my own tissue for reconstruction....no hard, cold implants to worry about.  But it's all an illusion.  I have very little feeling from my collarbone to my rib cage, all the way around under my left arm.  And I have scars..... so many scars.

However....

Cancer tries to hurt you.  Over and over.  It's the gift that keeps on giving.  But I'm here today, 1224 days later, strong and healthy.  I was stronger than cancer.

It's a new year, and while I don't make resolutions, I did read this tonight and loved it.  It's advice I need to follow.... all of it.  Here's hoping 2017 is another year that cancer leaves me alone!

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1219

The night before last, I had trouble falling asleep.  I was restless, I felt edgy and raw, and I just had this feeling that something bad was going to happen.  I have written that same exact thing a few times before right here in my blog.... and each time I've been right.

Yesterday at work Hubby came into my office and showed me his hand:  he had lost his wedding ring.  He never takes it off.  NEVER.  The only time he did was two weeks ago when he had neck surgery.  I kept it safe in my purse, and put it back on his finger myself when he was awake again.  He can't remember when, where or why he took it off after that, and our efforts to find it have been unsuccessful.  I attributed my bad feeling to that.  It's very upsetting, for him and me.

I should have known.  I don't get that feeling over something "upsetting".

This morning I received a text from my BFF.  Her mom had passed away in the early morning hours.  

Before my mom had cancer, before I had cancer, before my BFF had cancer, Barb was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She fought through surgery and chemo and came out on the other side...a little older, a little more tired, a little scarred, but still the same old Barb.  She was not the pity party type.  She was matter of fact, and a fighter.  If you didn't know she was sick, you would never know, because she never complained.  I'm not positive, but I think Barb had reached the 5 year milestone which is the magic number in cancer survivorship.  

I met my BFF in homeroom at the beginning of seventh grade.  We were inseparable for years and years until she met her hubby, moved away and got married.  We have a long history of roller rinks, double dates, New Year's Eve parties and vacations.  My family was hers, and her family was mine.  I probably spent more of my teenage years at her house than my own.  I loved her mom like.... a mom.  On my visits back home each summer, even when my BFF wasn't there at the same time, I would still stop by for a visit, or better yet, meet at Pizza Star for lunch.  This was taken this past summer:

If you didn't laugh when you were around this couple, there is something wrong with you.  They both would talk a mile a minute, often over the top of each other.  Half the time I didn't know which conversation to pay attention to.  You rarely saw one without the other, and it's only fitting that Barb passed away with her hubby by her side.  I'm so sad for him.  I can't even imagine how lost he must be.  They're still young!  How do you spend fifty years with someone and then have to live without them?

I'm sad for my friend T and her sister.  To this group of people, family is everything.  Barb was definitely the glue that held them all together.  T told me when her mom was sent home with hospice that she wasn't ready to say goodbye to her.  How could she be?  

I'm heartbroken for Barb's grandchildren.  My kids lost two grandmothers in 2010 and my heart still mourns the memories they will not get to make.  I think about those four young people who loved Barb and it makes me cry.

A big part of why I'm so sad is because of how much everyone else who loved her has lost.  I'm not the only one who experienced happiness and laughter because of Barb.  Her husband, her family, her nieces and nephews, her friends..... everyone whose world was a little brighter because Barb was in it - they are all covered in darkness tonight.  Sorrow.  

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.  (Matthew 5:4)

I know Barb is at peace.  Her body is healed, her spirit is restored and she doesn't have to fight anymore.  And that is a comfort.  If you've ever watched someone die from cancer, you know, you witness just how weary they get of fighting.  As trite as it sounds, I am comforted by the fact that I know she is in a better place.  But...

Not only am I sad because someone who has been a part of my life for thirty years is no longer, I am mad.  MAD.  😡  Why are people still dying of cancer?  Why????

And not only am I mad, but I'm scared.  I'm scared to death, because as selfish as it sounds, I'M NOT READY.  I had breast cancer, just a few years after Barb did.  So am I next?   Barb may not have been the picture of health in recent months, but to my knowledge she didn't know that cancer was once again taking over her body.  Sneaky bastard.  It just happens, and after you've fought the beast once, the second time is often devastatingly final.  I don't have survivor's guilt...... I have survivor's FEAR.  As long as people keep beating this disease, it gives me hope that I can continue to beat it.  But when there is a loss, especially a loss so close to my heart, it brings that fear right back to the surface.

Rest in peace, Barb.  I hope you spend an eternity wandering the shores of the place you loved most.  Thank you for the memories, and thank you for loving me and my family.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1203

Today Hubby and I are finally switching roles after three and a half years.  He's having surgery to get rid of the pain in his neck (NOT ME!!  😎) and I get to be caregiver for the next few weeks.  Since August 1, 2013 I have been the patient and he has been... well.... everything:  husband, friend, shoulder to cry on, hand to hold, calm in the midst of my storm.  He has had to do things most nurses don't even want to do, and he's never once complained.

I have a feeling we're going to find out he's better at taking care of me than letting me take care of him.  Men in general don't make the best patients.  They like to be in control, they don't like to admit weakness and they don't want anyone telling them what they can and can't do.  However, this isn't like going to the dentist and needing to take a Xanax.  Hubby will be out of work for 2 weeks minimum.  He won't be able to drive for 2 weeks minimum.  He will have to wear a neck brace for 6-8 weeks.  And he'll have a nagging wife making sure he follows doctor's orders!

Please say a prayer as Hubby has surgery today.  Pray for a safe surgery, minimal pain and fast healing.  Living in constant pain is incredibly draining, and he's been doing that without complaint for years.  Now it's his turn.  I hope that I can be to him what he's been for me for 1202 days, and I hope and pray that this surgery will eliminate his pain.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1196

December 5th seems to be a happy day for me.

Last year on this day we put up our Christmas tree.  Sitting in the living room with all the lights off with just the glow of the Christmas tree is one of the most peaceful things to me.  Decorating a tree is nothing major to celebrate for most, but when you're tired or hurting or recovering from chemo or a surgery, it's a monumental task. It's something I was unable to accomplish this past weekend because I had zero energy.  Our tree has been sitting on the porch for a week.  I love Christmas, and I love having everything decorated.  I just wish I could snap my fingers and have it done.

Two years ago on this day my dad came home from the nursing home.  He had been in the hospital and rehab since his stroke in August, and on 12/5/14 he was able to go back home.  It saddens me to see how much my dad's life has changed.  He went from working full time (often overtime), being active in church, playing in a bowling league and being an avid golfer, to being unable to walk without a walker.  However, Christmas is the season of miracles.  When I flew home in August 2014, the doctor told me over the phone that I should prepare myself for the worst.  Instead, I still have my dad.  He traded golf clubs and a fishing pole for Judge Judy reruns and physical therapy, but I'll take it.

Three years ago on this day I had my last of eight chemo treatments.  That was just the beginning of what would be a long, long road of treatment and surgeries, but for me it was the biggest hurdle.  I wish I could lose the thirty pounds cancer and its treatment gave me, I wish I wasn't so darn tired all the time, and I wish I didn't hurt.  However, those are minor complaints compared to having to fight for your life.  

I was smiling in this picture and I'm still smiling today.  I'm working, I'm able to be a wife and mom (although not quite the superwife and supermom I was), I'm active in K's softball league and I'm a proud band parent.  This is about as normal as my life has been since d-day.

This December 5th, the most remarkable thing to report is a clean bill of health from my dentist appointment this morning.  Ha!  But as I said, things slowly getting back to normal is not being taken for granted.  

Just for fun, here's my new Christmas favorite:

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1170

I am a young(ish), white, college-educated female from New York.  According to every political model, every poll, every political strategist, I should have voted for Hillary Clinton.

I did not.

Not voting for Hillary Clinton does not mean I think Donald Trump is the best person for the job.  Honestly, out of the MILLIONS of people qualified and eligible to run for President, I'm embarrassed that our search was narrowed down to Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.  That's the problem with our political system.  While it is not mathematically impossible for a third party candidate, or even a write-in on the ballot, to win, the American people are really only given the choice between the two people the Democratic and Republican parties choose as their candidates.  That sucks.

So what do you do when you are forced to choose between two people you would never have chosen?  I did research.  I probably researched more for this election than any other on where the candidates stood on every issue.  I suffered through the debates...something I've never done before.  I took multiple "quizzes" to see which candidate best matched my beliefs and where I stand on all of the issues being raised in the campaign.  Every single time, I aligned with Donald Trump more than anyone else.

Do I like him?  Nope.  Do I think he has a CLUE what being President of the USA will entail?  Nope.  Do I think America could have come up with someone better, someone more likable, someone more capable?  You bet.  But we didn't.  It came down to a choice between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.  In my opinion, what Donald Trump has going for him is that he is incredibly smart.  He knows he doesn't have any idea how to take over the office of the President.  He has never held any public office of any kind.  He has no political background whatsoever.  So he's going to need help.  And he is smart enough to know that, and to surround himself with people who will help him.  I don't believe any presidential cabinet has ever been as important as Trump's will be.  And I have faith that he will appoint people that know how to guide him.

I have never considered myself to be a Republican.  I have voted democrat in all but one of the presidential elections I've been eligible to participate in.  I voted for Bill Clinton.  i voted for Al Gore.  I voted for President Obama (the first time).  So don't think I voted for Trump simply because he is the Republican nominee.  I don't vote along party lines - I vote for issues.... for things I believe need to change.  That's why I voted for Barack Obama the first time.  I didn't give a fig that he was going to be the first African American President.  Who cares?  If he's the best person for the job, I was all for it.  If I believed Hillary Clinton was the best person for the job, I would have voted for her because of that, not because she would be the first woman President.

There was a time that I actually thought she would have been the best.  Years ago I was a Hillary supporter.  I thought she was a brilliant choice for Secretary of State (ha) and I thought her path into politics was a good one.  In the years since, I have lost all respect for her.  After all the research I have done on this election, I honestly cannot tell you what her campaign promised.  It wasn't a campaign for her, it was a campaign against Donald Trump.  You're not going to win my vote just by telling me how bad the other person is.  Did Donald Trump participate in the smear campaign?  Of course.  But he also spread his message, and Americans heard it loud and clear.

I believe that Hillary Clinton is a product of our political system.  That's why every media outlet, every political scientist, every "educated" person assumed she would win this election.  She has become a career politician, and we have a long line of elected presidents who were all career politicians.  For me personally, that was enough to sway my vote the other way.  I don't trust her.  I don't like her.  I don't think that she cares about the American people.  I admit I haven't paid much attention to the details of the email scandal, but you don't delete 30,000 emails and then say you have nothing to hide.  The older I get, the more conservative I've become.  

• I believe in the sanctity of human life.  I can't support someone who promotes aborting babies at 36 weeks.  I lost two babies to miscarriage early on in my pregnancies.  What I wouldn't give to have had them make it to 36 weeks.
• I believe in the safety of our country.  People are frantic, afraid of being deported.  First, if you are an American citizen, you have no reason to be afraid, regardless of your nationality.  If you are not an American citizen, then you should be afraid.  I do not support any candidate that will fight for the rights of illegal aliens over the rights of American citizens.  End of story.  The horrors that happen in other countries are just that... horrors.  But they are OTHER COUNTRIES.  Let's worry about our own country first!  Lord knows we have enough problems right here.  I am not saying we shouldn't help when and where we can.... but no other country is an open door.  Why do we have to be?
• I believe America needs a strong leader.  If anyone could have been the first female President, I believe Hillary could have.  However, no matter how far we've come, this is a man's world.  People mock Donald Trump and say the rest of the world will not respect him.  I ask them this... how many countries are there, powerful countries, who give women little to no rights?  They treat them like property.  Do you honestly think they would respect a country that lets a woman lead them?

I'm well aware of Donald Trump's faults.  If you've watched five minutes of this campaign over the last two years, you have had them shoved in your face.  He's rude.  He's a jerk, He's a narcissist.  Do I agree with how he has treated some women?  Some people with disabilities?  Some children?  Absolutely not.  But I also believe Hillary Clinton is all of those things.  She has just had decades of training in how to conceal it.  

Do you know how far removed from my little world the President of the United States is?  Do I want my children to grow up possibly seeing their country's leader as a bully?  Of course not.  But Barack Obama has had zero influence on who my children are becoming.   Sad, but true.  They have a father, a mother, a brother, uncles, teachers.... THOSE are the people in their lives who will influence them and their behavior.  They are kids, and I let them be kids.  To me, growing up, the President was just someone who interrupted tv and then there was nothing to watch. What I hope is that my kids see their President as someone who has the best interests of our country at heart, despite his or her faults.  If Donald Trump is a bully, I hope it's because he bullies anyone who threatens all that America stands for. 

(FYI Hubby and I have not talked politics with our children at all, and both of them said they would vote for Donald Trump)

The bottom line is that I believe Hillary Clinton is a much bigger threat to our nation than Donald Trump is to me.  I will still go to work, and watch my daughter's softball games, and go to band concerts.  The sun will still come up, we will go out to eat and cook Thanksgiving dinner, people will go shopping on Black Friday, and the new year will come January first.  I want all of that to happen in a country that is safe, secure and prosperous.  I believe Donald Trump wants that, too.  

I think that the Democratic Committee knew they had the best shot at the Presidency by offering up another "let's make history" campaign.  It worked for President Obama.  Presenting a well known politician as a viable candidate for the first female President was smart.  Unfortunately, in my eyes, the list of cons was much longer than the list of pros, and I wasn't going to vote for her just so we could elect a female President.  

America wants change.  Why else would they elect a brash, rude, arrogant businessman with zero political experience???  Donald Trump is a billionaire.  He has everything he could possibly want.  He didn't have to do this.  Honestly, going to live in the White House will be a step down for him.  Air Force One probably isn't even as nice as the Trump jet.  ha  I truly believe that he saw an opportunity and he took it.  Nobody wants to be a laughingstock, and yet he put himself out there, over and over, oftentimes making a fool of himself.  His wife became the object of ridicule.  His supporters were called "deplorables".  He never backed down, and he never changed his message.  

I find it appalling that people lose friends over an election.  I didn't vote for who was best based on anyone's beliefs except my own.  I have Latino friends.  I have African American friends.  I have gay and lesbian friends.  I don't care who they voted for.  The fact that they preferred one candidate over the other because they believed that person was best based on THEIR values should have no bearing on how I feel about them, or vice versa.   Hubby and I haven't always voted the same, and we're still married.  ha ha

I'm not writing this to sway anyone to my side.  This was a very divisive election and it'll take a lot of time for people to get over it if they were not on the winning side.  Honestly, I was against Obama four years ago and I am STILL not over it.  I cringe anytime I have to listen to his condescending speeches.  But you know what?  I survived these four years, and had the opportunity to vote for someone new.  For everyone who is devastated because Donald Trump is the President-Elect.... remember that we are still ONE NATION UNDER GOD.  Kindness and unity begin with one small step.  We need to look out for one another, even if we all do it in our own way.  My way is quiet.  Donald Trump's is not.  Whether you respect him and what he stands for or not, as an American, you should respect the office of the President.  

And don't worry, in another four years we get to do this all over again.

God bless America.