Kicking cancer's ass - day 1088

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1087

So apparently I have kids in middle school and high school.  How did THAT happen?

This afternoon I had a lunch date with my son.  He's a fun guy to hang out with.  Honest.  He's a moody, cranky, hormone-driven, puberty-stricken man-child, but he's pretty low maintenance for a teenager.  And he's extremely clever and very funny.  Afterward we went shopping for school supplies.  For a freshman, that consisted of one spiral notebook, a 3-pack of mechanical pencils and an electric razor.  Whoa.... wait!  A RAZOR!?!??!  Yes.  His high school does not allow any facial hair.  I'm not sure how on earth I suddenly have a boy old enough to shave, but there you have it.

Tonight we went to our last ever "Meet the Teacher".  Thankfully it was relatively painless.  Her campus is 5th and 6th grades, but only 5th has meet the teacher night, so it wasn't nearly the mad house that the other schools have been.  I'm extremely happy that K not only knows several people in her class this year (including the boy she's been crushing on... oooh la la), but she apparently lucked out and got the teacher other people requested.  Last year's trio of fantastic teachers will be hard to top, but it's nice to know we're starting out on a high note.

Both kids are excited for school.  It's a whole new world for both of them.... new schools, new teachers, new schedules.  I pray that they, along with their teachers, have a fantastic year.  

Now if someone could just tell me which bus they will ride....

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1077

Time for another insomniac blogging post...

The story of my life these days.....waking up exhausted, feeling drained by 3pm, needing a nap at 7pm and being wide awake at 10pm.  

I've always been a night owl.  My mother and my son are morning people.  Like wake up at ridiculously early hours without an alarm kind of morning people.  Not me.  I need an alarm and four or five snooze hits to wake up.  I hate having to set an alarm.  Once I'm asleep, I like to SLEEP!  But I also like to stay up late.  A quiet house late at night is bliss for me.  Most of the time that's because I've got my nose buried in a book.  Or I'm playing 1010 on my phone....... the seriously addictive game my kids introduced me to.  Sometimes I'm researching Dr. Google for whatever mysterious ailment is plaguing me lately.  Or I'm scouring Facebook for posts by other people who are awake in the middle of the night too.  

Since my days of fighting cancer began, the words night owl took on an entirely new meaning.  I want to sleep.  I need to sleep.  But the time comes to go to bed and suddenly I'm wide awake... or my hip starts hurting me... or most often, my restless legs kick in.  Tonight it's all three, and even with the help of a pain pill and a restless legs pill, it's 12:13am and I'm still awake.

I should be sleepy.  Yesterday I logged over 10,000 steps in 102 degree heat at K's softball tournament, and I was up at 6:30am today to be back at the fields for a morning game.  Some shopping, four loads of laundry, vacuuming and cooking dinner filled my the rest of my day..... none of that wore me out apparently.  

Eventually I will get tired.  My legs will hopefully calm down enough so that I can go to bed and at least lay there until I'm sleepy.  I don't mind that.  I always joke when my kids complain about going to bed that I wish someone would tell ME to go to bed.  Ha.  

I love my bed.  I love my pillow.  I love going to bed having Hubby right next to me.

I just wish sleep came as easily as it used to, because nothing is more frustrating than lying awake counting down the hours until you have to get up for work.

Hubby and J have to be up by 6:15am - Hubby for work and J for band practice, so they've both been asleep for hours.  K and I have to be up by 6:45am - me for work and K for church camp, but I have obviously NOT been asleep for hours.  

As a cancer patient, there are a lot of legitimate reasons to have trouble sleeping.  In the beginning, the emotions and the fear and the anxiety take hold and it's hard to dial it all down.  Steroids during chemo keep you going until you eventually crash.  Pain after surgery makes sleeping very uncomfortable.  Hot flashes from menopause make trying to sleep an Olympic event.  

Maybe my body has just had too long (1075 days) to get used to not sleeping.  

Cancer is the gift that keeps on giving.

Kicking cancer'a ass - day 1076

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1071

Sleep at 10pm?  12am?  3am?  All iffy. 

Sleep at 7am or 8am when I have to get up?  You betcha.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1070

Being a cancer survivor means...

• feeling exhausted all day, yet going to bed feeling wide awake
  (There is nothing like the tired that comes from being a cancer patient.  I'm a mom - I know tired.  But no amount of 3am feedings could have prepared me for what THIS kind of tired feels like.  Even now, three years after D-day, my body is still trying to recover from 16 weeks of chemo, 6 weeks of radiation and 7 surgeries.  Add in immediate surgical menopause and anti-cancer meds and you have the perfect cocktail of extreme fatigue.  Insomnia is my new best friend.)
• treasuring every day with my children
  (Telling my kids that I had cancer was the worst moment of my life.  The fact that I'm alive and well and able to do things like enjoy K's softball games and J's band concerts, play mini golf and go to the water park on vacation with them, teach them, laugh with them, love them.....I know a lot of cancer patients aren't as lucky.  I get to wake up and look at the two greatest joys of my life and be grateful that I get to spend another day with them.... another chance to watch them grow into pretty cool people.)
• having to write everything down (and I mean everything)
  (Or in my case, put everything in my phone.  If there is an appointment that's not on my calendar, I won't be there.  If I have to make a phone call the next day and I don't send myself a text, that call will never happen.  If I have to pay something, email something, buy something, sell something, do anything - it goes in my phone. I used to be a supremely organized multi-tasker.  Now I can't walk into a room without forgetting why I was going there.  If my life wasn't backed up in my Google account, I'd be lost.  Chemo brain is real, folks.)
• learning what is worth stressing over
  (I'm still working on this one.  Everyone says "don't sweat the small stuff" right?  When you are diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, your definition of "small stuff" changes in a heartbeat.  I can't say that I've perfected the art of letting things go, but I have been teaching myself to pause, take a step back, and when I'm in the middle of a freak out or getting really upset over something, remind myself that I faced cancer.  I often ask myself "is this really important in the grand scheme of things?".  I haven't exactly mastered the art of letting things roll off my back, and probably never will, but I'm trying.)

• finding out what an amazing human being my husband is 
  (I wish every woman fighting breast cancer could have someone like him.  No lie.  My man has held me up, played Mr. Mom, changed my bandages, nursed me through chemo, emptied - and even removed - drains, packed wounds, filled prescriptions, made phone calls.... you name it, he's done it.  He has a creaky, cranky, scarred wife and doesn't bat an eye at any of it.  He has been my nurse, my sounding board, my chauffeur, my shoulder to cry on, my rock.  I would not have made it through three years of kicking cancer's ass without him by my side.)
• rebuilding my self-esteem
  (I have never been a self-confident person.  I'm too shy, too timid, don't like to be the center of attention.  My hair is too curly, my thighs are too fat, my skin is too wrinkled.  Cancer changed me, physically and emotionally, and I've had to learn how to love the new me.  Chemo killed my taste for water and for diet coke.  Radiation left me with fatigue that still lingers.  I have scars on top of scars and areas where I can't feel anything from my surgeries.  Weight gain is a side effect of two of the medications I'm on (boy oh boy, is it ever!).  My hair came back 80% gray.  My right hip hurts so bad I feel like I'm ninety years old.  But I'm alive.  And you know what hasn't changed?  What makes me Michelle.  I still cry when I'm mad, get my feelings hurt too easily, love with all my heart.  I try to be kind, and be the kind of friend I'd like to have.  I like lighthouses and reading and going to the casino with my Hubby.  I'm still a diehard Cowboys fan and love country music and would give anything to live by the beach.  Even though parts of me may not look the same or feel the same, or ever really BE the same.....I'm still me.)

Every day I'm alive is a victory over cancer.
Every day I'm alive is a bonus day that I've been given.
Every day is a gift I try to treasure.

Want to know what being a cancer survivor means?
It means thumbing my nose at cancer each and every day.... three years and counting.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1049

I'm reposting this blog entry from last year because I couldn't write it any better.

Allyson Hendrickson.

Most of you did not know her.  I'm sorry for that.  She was a person well worth knowing.  She was a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an auntie and a friend.  She was my friend.

Two years ago today Allyson earned her angel wings.  I know she's at peace now that she's at home with God.  She's no longer in pain.  She's no longer having to fight every single day to stay alive.  I'm relieved for her.  But I'm still sad.  Sad for those of us who loved her.  Especially sad for her "three little cowboys" who have to grow up without their incredible mom.  

I always talk about my "journey" or traveling this road we call cancer.  Nobody traveled it better, with more grace, than Allyson.  She was my example.  She taught me how to fight cancer, and how to live life while doing it.  Having cancer brought her to the lowest of low points, and yet her faith was still shining brightly.

My blog entry from the day of Allyson's memorial service is one of the best things I've ever written.  If you want to know Allyson, and what having her for a friend was like, read Kicking cancer's ass - day 321

Allyson's friends started a non-profit organization called Ally's Wish, and they raise money to grant wishes to mothers with terminal illnesses.  The first wish granted was Allyson's - to have her blog published for her boys.  Her family was the first to receive the book, but I'm happy to say that Three Little Cowboys is finally available to everyone.  Click here to purchase!  My copy sits proudly on my bookshelf.

If you've never read any of Allyson's blog, you need this book.  Even if you have, you need this book.  She was such a gifted writer - her blog entries were so heartfelt and funny, even through her darkest days.  The light that is Allyson Hendrickson shines through every single blog entry.

Buy the book.  Read the book.

Pray for her family.

Donate to Ally's Wish.

And wear flip flops.  Make Allyson proud.

I miss you friend.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1045

Definition of blessing

: something that helps you or brings happines

One of the greatest blessings in my life is my husband.

Sixteen years ago today, he walked off of a plane in Atlanta and changed my life forever. From that day forward it has been him and me against the world, and I thank God every day that He gave me such a good, good man to stand beside me for the rest of my life.

Tomorrow, July 8th, we get to celebrate Hubby on his birthday.  

I looked at him with stars in my eyes back then, and I still look at him that way today.  He is the one who makes me laugh, the one who holds me when I cry.  He teases me and takes care of me.  He has been my rock through every storm we've faced, including a pretty damn big storm.

Hubby is not only a good person and a wonderful husband.  

He is a fantastic father to his three kids.  He is funny and sarcastic, strict but gentle, strong and loving.  He would do anything for his kids and to him, family is everything.

Hubby, I wish I knew how to give you the perfect day for your birthday.  You're the husband I love more than words can say, the incredible father to our kids, the friend anyone would be lucky to have.
You wear many hats:  business owner, boss, coach, pool guy, nurse, masseuse, father, son, uncle, brother, even grandpa.  You're always willing to help - anyone, anytime.  You generously give over and over without complaint.

You're the biggest, brightest star in my galaxy and you make me happy every single day.  

You're the strongest person I've ever known, and I'm one lucky lady to have had that strength to help me through 1043 days of kicking cancer's ass.

Happy Birthday Hubby.  I love you!

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1036

For 1036 days I have used this blog as an outlet... a way to talk about things I'm sick of talking about, or things I can't talk about, as a way to express myself when I don't know how else to do it, a way to explain, complain, rejoice and give thanks.  Writing is cathartic for me.  I can pour my heart out on here, my own little slice of the internet, and even if nobody reads it, I feel better for getting it out.  In the grand scheme of things, what I have to say on here matters little.  But in my world, what I have to say on here comes from my heart and that matters a lot.

I've had two weeks to debate this post.  In one way I feel like I'm stooping to a level I don't want to stoop to.  If I didn't play the "why me?" card with cancer, I sure as hell don't want to over something not nearly as significant.  But I'm just tired of it all.  I'm sick of being blamed, I'm sick of people telling lies to make themselves look better, I'm sick of people believing those lies.  

See, the thing people don't realize is that when you lie, you eventually get caught.  You trip yourself up, make a mistake, tell the wrong person, post in the wrong GroupMe (ha)... whatever.  It happens.  And then you either own up to it or you keep lying.  The problem is, telling the same lie over and over doesn't make it truth.

Hubby and I have had quite a few people lie to us lately..... people we have spent a lot of time with and we considered friends.  Some very good friends.  But these same people have taken to Facebook with their lies, playing the victim, and blaming us for whatever they think we are guilty of. 

Once upon a time there was a little girls softball team... a team that played together, traveled together, a team where the girls were all friends and the parents were, too.  All of the parents on this softball team signed a commitment letter, agreeing to the rules the coach sent out, and committing their girls to the team for a year.  Not even four months later, half of the people on the team not only broke that commitment to the team, but they did it in a deceitful way that hurt me, my family and especially our team.  That is not cool.

I have always considered K's softball team my family.  Players have come and gone over the years, and we've weathered an incredible storm (but that's another post)... but through it all, I've always had the Lady Diamonds.  For five years, this team has been the focal point of K's softball "life".  I've loved all of the girls and have gained some pretty awesome friendships.  

Unfortunately, discontent and self-serving people have a way of breaking up even the strongest of teams, and I've since learned that our ties weren't as strong as I believed.  

Let me get one thing straight... the fact that a father feels his daughter "outgrew" our team and he wants the chance to start his own team and coach her himself is not the issue.  Not at all.  While I hate to lose anyone, especially K's BFF (yes.... again), I respect the fact that what I want isn't what everyone else thinks is best for their daughter.  Had he come to us, his friends, his daughter's head coach, and explained what he wanted to do and why, then there would have been no harm, no foul.  

Unfortunately this person decided to go the deceitful route, making plans behind our backs, even recruiting players from our own team.  He denies that, repeatedly, but the truth speaks for itself.  The fact that any of the four others who left with him wanted to leave is not the issue.  The fact that not one of them came to us in a stand up way to say they were going to leave is the issue.  They all jumped ship at the same time.  And nobody said one word over the last few weeks/months about being approached.  Once the truth came out and people were confronted, then yes they admit he came to them to talk about this new team he was starting.  During this whole time, did nobody think to say "Hey, maybe you guys should have a talk with him because something's going on."?????

  

This person, his wife - one of my best friends - and those that went along with him, knew of his plans for weeks.  I don't know why he keeps perpetuating the same lie to everyone.  People talk, even people he thinks are loyal to him.  We know he got this idea months ago.  We know he approached parents of the girls on our team - not the other way around.  I know he talked to other parents at my daughter's birthday party!  Telling them he was going to start his own team and he'd be having open tryouts.  Really?  REALLY?  At my little girl's birthday party?  Surrounded by her so-called teammates?  THAT'S when you approach people? We know one of the parents still on the team became (for lack of a better word) a "spy", keeping him posted on private team business, and this person sent him screen shots from our team's conversations.
(And this spy continues to lie about that, even when he was caught in the lie, and is now playing the victim, too.)

What are we, junior high?  It's bad enough that this person planned to dismantle our team behind our backs (and almost succeeded).  But YOU LEFT.  You CHOSE to not be a part of our team anymore.  Own up to what you did and move the hell on.  Don't worry about what is said in our group.  Don't worry about who we have or don't have on our team.  Don't worry about what people think of your Facebook posts.  The Lady Diamonds are NOT your business anymore.

WE.  DON'T.  CARE.
(and neither should you)

Even when the people who have lied to us are caught in their lies, they still insist they are telling the truth.  They paint themselves innocent, and turn the blame around onto us.  Tell me, what did Hubby and I do?  We believed in people.  We trusted friendships.  We foolishly thought that a commitment meant the same thing to others as it does to us.  What we did not do is lie, backstab or try to sell our "woe is me" side to anyone who will listen.  The people that matter, the people who truly care about us... they stuck by us and they know the truth.  We're not blaming you for what you did.  We are blaming you for the WAY you did it.  

Want to start your own team?  I'm sorry to see you go, but that's your choice.  All you had to do was be honest with us from the beginning.

Want to take players from our team instead of going the honorable route and finding your own girls?  That sucks, and says a lot about your character as well as the character of those who left with you.

I'm stuck in a very uncomfortable situation.  This is K's BFF we're talking about.  My little girl does NOT deserve to lose another best friend over the parents' actions.  While cutting ties with her former BFF was necessary - because no way was I letting my daughter hang out with criminals - what happened with our team this time wasn't illegal.  Disrespectful?  Disloyal?  Absolutely.  My heart is crushed, knowing people that I spent so much time with could turn on me on a dime.  But K and her friend are innocent.  I know her mother loves my daughter, and I have vowed to do whatever I can to ensure this doesn't touch their friendship any more than it has.  But....

This is so HARD.  Losing half of our team at once sucked.  Being lied to, repeatedly, by the same people calling us liars, that sucks too.  But what really sucks is that one of my friendships has been altered in such a way that I don't know how to move forward.  I can be cordial for my daughter's sake, and I can hold a hope in my heart that this lady did not intend to crush my heart the way they did.... but everything right now is just too much.  Seeing their posts about a "fresh start" and giving this so-called friend the "FULL support of his family and friends" makes me physically ill.  I think the world of their daughter, and wish her no ill will at all... but their "new chapter" is at the expense of my team, my daughter, our friendships.  The fact that she is standing by her man is admirable, but in doing so she is turning her back on me.  And that sucks too.  Maybe there's no way to salvage a friendship that's been shaken so badly.  Maybe there's no way to regain trust.  But maybe there is.  People mean too much to me to be able to just turn off my ability to care.  

But for now I have to let go a little.  I need to step back, away from all of this.  I can hold my head up high.  I did nothing wrong.  I dare anyone who says otherwise to prove it.  Hubby is the straightest straight-shooter in the world.  If he has something to say, he says it and he does not care what you think.  He doesn't worry about what people think of him, and if you want to know something, just ask him.  He does not lie.  And yet these people, the ones who were dishonest and disloyal, are calling him a hypocrite and trying to catch him in a lie.  Ha.   Have fun with that.

Lying in bed last night until well past 1am, unable to sleep, I made the decision to write this.  I needed to get it all out, purge all of the bitterness and hurt, so that I can stop stressing about it.  Why should I lose sleep over other people's actions?  I'm sad, I'm mad, and I'm very, very hurt.  But life goes on.  I can't make people see the truth who are blind to it, and I'm sick of trying.  

This is the new motto of the Lady Diamonds.  

Do we still have a team?  Yes.  We are having to build back up almost from scratch, having lost five of the ten girls on our team - including two of our infielders and a pitcher.... but we can do it.  I'm excited to start practicing with our new girls and open a new chapter in the Lady Diamonds book.  I'm thankful for those who have stuck by us and remained loyal to the team.  I'm grateful that despite everything, my daughter still has her coaches, her friends, her team.  I'm blessed by the friendship and support of those around us.

 “Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”. John 8:7

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1028

Excuse the language, but just....THIS!

Kicking cancer's ass - day 1025

Three years ago, when her brother came home from his first year at church camp with all kinds of stories about his adventures, K was so sad that she didn't get to go.  She didn't get to go the next year, or even the next.  Finally this year she was old enough (and Mom was semi-confident she could handle sending her baby girl to New Mexico for five days).  I hoped and prayed that God would look over her and show himself in amazing ways this week.  My hopes have been fulfilled.

K's name means "brave".  

That about sums up this week, for both of us.  If you know her, you know my daughter is a sensitive, careful girl.  She is quick to love and easily hurt (just like her mama).  She is NOT the type that I would think would happily hop on a bus armed with her Bible, some snacks and her BFF and spend five days away from home with strangers.  The days leading up to camp were filled with excitement and preparation.... buying sunscreen, bug spray, travel sized toiletries, new clothes and water shoes.  The night before camp she was packed and as ready to go as she could be....

Ready.... until she came out of her room at 11pm crying because she was going to miss me.  "What if I get homesick and sad?"  she asked.  After a dozen hugs and the best pep talk I could give, she finally went to sleep and woke up on Monday with her teeth chattering from excitement.

We had another iffy moment after loading her luggage on the bus and heading back into the church to wait for send-off.  "My tummy hurts."  Oh boy.  Ok, another pep talk.  As many conflicting emotions as I was having at that time, I know my little girl's heart was filled with even more.  She was excited and scared, anxious and happy.  She seemed to pull herself together and by the time we headed to the buses she was ready to go.

We had another moment of slight panic while waiting for the buses to pull out.  It seemed to take FOREVER, and then the door opened on one of the buses.  I'll give you one guess whose kid was on that bus.  Hubby and I held our breath, just waiting for K to climb off the bus with her pillow in her arms and tears on her face.  Alas, there was no trouble and nobody backed out.  They were off!

It was so incredibly difficult to not only send my daughter off with strangers, but to send her to another STATE and not be in contact with her at all.  No phone calls, no texts, nothing.  I did write her letters for each day so she would get "mail" at camp, and she told me she loved that I put a joke on the back of each envelope.  I am lucky that so many of my friends and people I know on Facebook either were at camp or had a friend at camp, so I was able to see some pictures during the week of my girl having a grand time.

My nature girl in her element.... bandana in her hair, sun-kissed cheeks, barefoot in a creek.  

This girl right here with K is the reason I agreed to let K go to camp.  Knowing her bestie would be there with her, also away from home for the first time, was such a comfort for me.  I love that they were able to share this time together and make memories to last a lifetime.  

Five days after K left, I was so excited to pick her up tonight that we showed up thirty minutes early.  It wasn't long before the big white fancy buses began showing up (there were 6 of them!).

After a week of tumult and heartache in my life, missing my girl and hoping she had the BEST time, K is back home giving me the best hug ever.   And she brought me a gift!

Faith.  Hope.  Love.

My girl knows me, huh?

I'm sure we haven't even heard a fraction of the fun times that K had this week.  She shared her journal with me and the first page had a message to God about how much she loves him.  She said that she cried during almost every worship service.  When I asked why, she shrugged and said it touched her.  She said the counselors were so nice and prayed with her every time.  So to the counselors from Beltway at Camp Bonita, thank you, thank you, thank you for loving my girl.

When I asked her what her absolute favorite part of camp was, she said "The Leap of Faith".

Brave indeed.