Kicking cancer's ass - day 787

This picture seems appropriate today, since it has rained over six inches in the past two days.  But a blog post about rain is boring.  A blog post about blessings is so not boring. 

My life is full of blessings.  I know that.  I have a husband who would do anything for me.  I have beautiful children, a family that loves me and friends who always have my back.  But every once in a while, God sends down an unexpected blessing that warms my heart even more.

This morning I woke up to see this on Facebook:

Cati is a good person, a fun lady, a great mom.  She's someone I'm friendly with, but not the "hey, want to go to lunch?" kind of friend.  To know that I was on her mind, that she was honoring my fight in her run today, both touched and surprised me.  

Thank you Cati.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 785

Restless legs syndrome.

The bane of my existence.  It has been ever since I was a teenager, back when I just called it "jumpy legs" because there wasn't an official term for it.  That, and headaches, are two things I've always suffered from. Some things never change.

Apparently going off Tamoxifen and starting Arimidex triggered both. I had the worst headache last night, and two rounds of restless legs (even though I rode my exercise bike at 9pm).  My active night was exhausting. I took a two hour nap on the couch this afternoon and now at 9pm I feel like I could doze off.

Am I just getting old? Worn out from the last two years?  Suffering from side effects from medicine that's going to keep me cancer free?

There are worse things than being tired. There are worse things than having a headache or having to walk circles in my living room at 11pm. Way worse things. So if that's what I have to deal with, bring it.  I won't like it, I'll complain every damn night,  but I'll deal with it. Because those worse things?  They really sucked and I dealt with them, too.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 784

Happy 75th Birthday to my wonderful dad!  

Opa, we love and miss you and can't wait to see you again!

********************************************************

On a side note, today I am starting a new medicine.  I have been taking Tamoxifen for eighteen months to block estrogen production in my body.  However, Tamoxifen has proven more effective in pre-menopausal women, where another class of medicines have been proven more effective in post-menopausal women.  Since I had a hysterectomy, that puts me in the second group - hence the switch.  

I'm not overly thrilled.  From the Arimidex web site:

• Women with a history of blockages in heart arteries (ischemic heart disease) who take ARIMIDEX may have a slight increase in this type of heart disease compared to similar patients who take tamoxifen
• ARIMIDEX can cause bone softening/weakening (osteoporosis) increasing the chance of fractures. In a clinical study in early breast cancer, there were more fractures (including fractures of the spine, hip, and wrist) with ARIMIDEX (10%) than with tamoxifen (7%)
• In a clinical study in early breast cancer, some patients taking ARIMIDEX had an increase in cholesterol. Skin reactions, allergic reactions, and changes in blood tests of liver function have also been reported
• In the early breast cancer clinical trial, the most common side effects seen with ARIMIDEX include hot flashes, joint symptoms (including arthritis and arthralgia), weakness, mood changes, pain, back pain, sore throat, nausea and vomiting, rash, depression, high blood pressure, osteoporosis, fractures, swelling of arms/legs, insomnia, and headache

So...while I wasn't a fan of Tamoxifen, it was the devil I knew.  Arimidex has a lot of the same side effects, with a few exceptions.  Arimidex is harder on the heart.  Arimidex weakens the bones, where Tamoxifen strengthens them.  Arimidex can raise cholesterol.  Arimidex causes more severe joint pain - which I already have on Tamox.  

And the biggie, for me, that's not listed - weight gain.  Both my BFF and my sister-in-law started on Arimidex and gained a significant amount of weight.  I've already put on 20 pounds with Tamoxifen....I really don't want to add any more!  My sis-in-law has since switched to Tamoxifen and has been able to lose some weight.  My BFF is still on Arimidex and has finally been able to lose some weight (but she's trying HARD!).  

I know, I know, it sounds petty.  What's a few pounds when compared to keeping cancer away, right?  If you've ever struggled with your weight, then you know why I feel the way I do.  Would I rather be fat and happy and alive, or skinny and fighting cancer all over again?  You know the answer to that.  I just wish those weren't my only two choices.  

You never know.  Everyone is different, and maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones who have an easier time on Arimidex than Tamoxifen.  It can happen.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 783

Truth.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 777

A couple of months ago I read those verses at my mother's wedding.  I don't quote a lot of scripture, but that's probably one of the few I can recite by heart.  Those sentences describe my husband and our marriage better than anything I could come up with.  He has the patience of a saint with me.  He knows me inside and out, and still loves me anyway.  He always puts my welfare above his own.  He is kind.  I need him and he's always there for me to lean on.  He always protects.  Our love always perseveres.

Tomorrow marks fourteen years of marriage, and he has never failed me.  I'm a lucky girl.

For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health...... I still do.

Happy Anniversary Hubby!

Kicking cancer's ass - day 776

I was going to write a big long post about how lousy people can be, but this says it all....

It sucks when you give, give, give and it's still not enough.  No matter how hard you try, someone always finds fault with what you do.  I'm human so I don't always do or say things perfectly, but I give 110% and I try my hardest to make everything right.  It's upsetting to me that no matter what, most people are in it for themselves, and being nice makes me an easy scapegoat when things don't go their way.  I may be naive, and too nice, but I am NOT a liar and don't appreciate my integrity being questioned.

The end.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 765

Kicking cancer's ass - day 764

I'm a riser

I'm a get off of the ground, don't run and hider

When pushin' comes to shove

Hey I'm a fighter

When darkness comes to town, I'm a lighter

A get out a-liver, of the fire

Survivor

Kicking cancer's ass - day 762

No pain, no gain.  

That's what they say, right?

This is my leg, three days after surgery:

Before you ask, yes, it is as painful as it looks.  Both legs and my stomach look like this. 

If I didn't have cancer, I wouldn't have needed reconstruction, and I wouldn't look and feel like this right now.

Stupid cancer.

I do have to own up to the fact that this was my choice, though. I'd been through this surgery before, and I knew the result.  It HURTS.  

While some people choose plastic surgery for vanity's sake, others, like me, choose it as a way to get back some of what we lost.  I could have lived with what I had.  But after going through everything I've gone through, why stop two feet from the finish line?  I've been bruised before.  I've been in pain before.  I healed.  I will heal again.  

Kicking cancer's ass - day 761

I am battered and bruised, exhausted and running a fever from my surgery on Friday, so I feel a little bit like I was on the receiving end of an ass-kicking.... but I know that's only temporary.  This was - hopefully - the last time I will have surgery for anything related to breast cancer.

On our way to Dallas last Thursday Hubby asked me if I had to do it all over again, would I still choose to go through all that I have?  My answer then, and now (even hurting from surgery), is yes.

The easiest choice - physically - is to forego any reconstruction at all.  I knew that wasn't for me.  I didn't want to spend the rest of my life without breasts - not if I could help it.  I have a couple of friends who have not had reconstruction and they are perfectly fine 90% of the time.  I know I wouldn't be.

I could have chosen breast implants.  They still require surgery, but you end up with (hopefully) real-looking breasts.  After having tissue expanders in for almost a year in preparation for my reconstruction, I can say with all honesty that I'm very happy I don't have anything "foreign" in my body.  Even the softest implants are still just that - implants.  

The most complicated, intensive and time-consuming choice is to do reconstruction using your own body tissue (or "flaps" as they call it in the plastic surgery world).  That was my choice.  Dr T is a big proponent of natural reconstruction.  My surgery was long and complicated, with a grueling recovery.  I've had to have a couple of  revisions, and I developed an infection, which meant even more surgeries, and those have given me scars on top of other scars.  

Was all of this worth it?  Yes.  Because you know what?  I have the most real fake breasts I could possibly have.  And after twenty-five months of treatments and surgeries, I'm DONE!

Kicking cancer's ass - day 759

Yesterday I had surgery.
Yes, another one. That makes 7 surgeries in the last two years.  I am hopeful that this is the last one, because really - enough is enough.

It was a quick procedure and I was out of the hospital around lunchtime.  I feel ok, just very sore.  And I have to wear the lovely compression garments for two weeks, which makes getting dressed and going to the bathroom a workout.

Plastic surgery is not for wimps!! 

I'm thankful that Hubby was there with me... as he has been for every step of this long, painful journey.  He's always there to make me laugh, comfort me, hold me up or just hold my hand.  His quiet, steady presence is one of the greatest blessings in my life.

Let the healing begin!

Kicking cancer's ass - day 754

I'm not okay tonight.

No real reason.  At least not that I can think of.  This came on suddenly and without explanation.  Just now, tonight....just like that.  Last night I had a fabulous date with Hubby that continued over into today.  Fantastic concert (really - fantastic, amazing, phenomenal concert), a night without kids in a hotel, sleeping in this morning (sort of).  Tonight we had a nice family dinner out.  I haven't done anything else, or even talked to anyone else.

So...

WHAT.THE.HELL?????

I'm not depressed.  I've been through hell and back over the last two years.  I know what being depressed feels like.  I'm not angry.  I'm not frustrated.  I'm not tired.  I'm just.... off.

Do you ever feel like that?  Like something is wrong (well, maybe not 'wrong', but more 'not quite right') but you don't know WHAT?  I feel unstable and restless and kinda sad.  What gives?  Is there some cosmic shift going on with the change of seasons and I'm off-balance?  Is this the start of one of my "something bad is going to happen" premonitions? 

(I'm usually right, so I hope to God that's not it).

I want to go to bed to escape this feeling, but I don't feel tired enough.  

I know I took my Lexapro this morning.  I'm sure of it.  

Maybe I need another.

I feel overwhelmed, but I don't even know what is overwhelming me.  

Ugh.  Sometimes being me is difficult.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 752

Truth.

It's always the quiet ones you have to watch out for.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 751

Last night I should have written an Insomniac Blogging post...  I was up until 2am.  I did have a long "nap" earlier in the evening, but waking up at 6:15 this morning was not fun. I did get a lot of work done in the wee hours, but I'm paying for it today. .  

There seems to be a pattern I've developed where I can go about my business as usual for a while...going to work, dealing with softball league business, being wife and mom... until I hit a wall.  Yesterday I hit that wall.  I was sitting on the couch when Hubby came home from work and could hardly keep my eyes open.  (Ok, ok, I was sleeping.)  I told him I was going to lie down for an hour.... and woke up four hours later.  

I don't know if this recurring fatigue can be blamed on the medicine I have to take, or the fact that I'm in menopause at 42 years old, or just due to everything I've been through since d-day.  It's not going to get better anytime soon because I'm scheduled for another surgery next Friday.  That will be surgery number seven in the last 25 months.  Some have been pretty major, some have been "minor".  This one is supposed to fall in the latter category, but I've learned not to expect things to go as planned.  One thing cancer isn't is predictable.  

I'm hopeful that this will be the last THING I have to do, other than routine tests and appointments.  After next week I hope I don't need any more surgeries or procedures, at least for a while!  Months of treatment, more surgeries than you can count on one hand and two years of stress have made me so tired.  Being tired (among other things) has made me fat, and I'm more than ready to look and feel like myself again. 

Last, but definitely not least, September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness month.  Before all of the hype of "Pink-tober" next month, take a minute to pray for the women affected by this silent killer.  Ovarian cancer is the monster that took my friend Allyson way too soon.  If you can, donate to a worthy cause...

Ally's Wish is the brainchild of Allyson's friends who took their love for her and turned it into a wonderful organization that has helped moms all over the country.  These friends were touched by Allyson and her story, and made it their mission to grant wishes to women - moms - with terminal illnesses.  Allyson's wish was to have her blog published for her family.  I'm happy to say that book is available at Allyswish.org.  Buy it.  And wear turquoise.  For Allyson.

  

Kicking cancer's ass - day 735

Forgiveness.

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about forgiveness.  A lot of thinking.

When someone wrongs you, it's human nature to be hurt, angry, even vindictive.  We all feel that way.  Some of us work through those feelings faster than others.  Some people forgive more easily than others.

Ephesians 4:31-32 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

I get it.  We are all sinners.  Who are we to judge a sinner, when none of us are without sin?
The Bible says it over and over:

Matthew 6:14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

Luke 6:37 Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven.

 Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

1 John 1:8  If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.

I will be the first to admit that I've made my share of mistakes in my life, and would never claim to be without sin.  I also will be the first to admit that I have a soft-hearted, forgiving nature.  I try to see the best in people.  If I make a mistake, I own up to it and apologize.  And if I apologize, I sincerely mean it.  'I'm sorry' means I really am sorry..

Six months ago, I made a decision.  It was one of the hardest decisions of my life, and it caused more emotional upheaval for me and my family than I can even describe.  Someone I was very close to had been doing something wrong - something illegal - and I was the one to discover it.  It caused me a huge amount of distress because I loved and trusted this person.  Not only were laws broken, but my friendship was abused and taken advantage of - for a long time.  Years.

It made my heart hurt, because my doing the right thing brought hurt down on other people, including my own family.  I lost a close friend.  My daughter lost her best friend.  I lost other people in my life that I thought were my friends.  These people have found it easy to forgive, claiming they won't turn their back on a friend for making a "mistake".

A mistake.  Yelling at someone is a mistake.  Writing on the wall with a Sharpie is a mistake.  Running over a mailbox is a mistake.  Getting a speeding ticket is a mistake.  Deceiving the people closest to you, day after day, month after month, and taking from the very ones you proclaim to love... that's not a mistake.

Have I forgiven?  Can I forgive?  That's what I'm struggling with.

Just as the Bible talks a lot about the need for forgiveness by the person who was wronged, it also talks about the need to repent by the wrong-doer.

Acts 2:38  And Peter said to them, “Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

Luke 17:3  So watch yourselves.  If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.   

The definition of "repent" is to feel or show that you are sorry for something bad or wrong that you did and that you want to do what is right.  The need for forgiveness can be a burden, if the offender hasn't repented.

The crimes that were committed, the lies that were told.... this person has been doing this same thing their whole adult life.  They've been caught - and punished - repeatedly, and yet they still choose to go down this path again and again.  It's not a "mistake" when you wrong people the same way over and over again.  It's a choice.  And it's hard to forgive when they show no remorse.

Repenting, to me, would mean expressing how sorry you are for what you did.  It would mean reaching out to those who were hurt.  It would mean doing everything you could to make things right.  In my opinion, someone who continues spreading lies and manipulating the very people they call 'friend' is not repentant.  This person has never once reached out to the "victims", not even my daughter who was practically a part of their family.  They have never once tried to make things right.  They are portraying themselves as a victim instead, and that is about the furthest you can get from repenting.

Dealing with the fallout of someone else's actions every day and knowing they are trying to muddy an issue that is completely black and white makes it hard to forgive.  Looking into my little girl's eyes and knowing someone who said they loved her doesn't care about the hurt she feels... that makes it hard to forgive.  Being the subject of gossip and condemned for choosing the right path, not the easy path... that makes it hard for me to forgive.

According to Wikipedia:

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.  Forgiveness is different from condoning (failing to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness), excusing (not holding the offender as responsible for the action), pardoning (granted by a representative of society, such as a judge), forgetting (removing awareness of the offense from consciousness), and reconciliation (restoration of a relationship).

Forgiveness doesn't mean everything is all better.  It doesn't mean that the wrong that was done doesn't matter anymore.  You can forgive, because you want to (for your own peace of mind), and because it's the Christian thing to do, but that doesn't mean you are condoning the wrongful act, or that you can (or will) forget.  And just because there is no reconciliation doesn't mean forgiveness won't happen.  But it takes time, sometimes a lot of time.  I'll get there, if for no other reason than because I deserve peace.

“Man has two great spiritual needs. One is for forgiveness. The other is for goodness.”  ~ Billy Graham 

Kicking cancer's ass - day 730

A crazy thing happened to me this morning.
I took a shower, got dressed, put on some make up and dried my hair.  Then I went to my jewelry box to put on my bling for the day.  None of that is unusual.
Then - something caught my eye in the mirror on my dresser and I did a double take.

I LOOK LIKE ME!!

True, my hair isn't nearly as long as it used to be.  I'm carrying an extra twenty (ok, twenty-five) pounds and I have more scars than I can count.  But on a quick glance in the mirror?  The lady looking back at me reminds me of me.  Finally.

Two years ago tomorrow, I began the kicking cancer's ass journey.  It all started with my first chemo treatment, and it's still going on.  As far as I know, I am cancer-free.  No news is good news.  But the side effects from treatment and the future surgeries (yes, there will be another one) and the medication.... it seems never ending.  

But you know what?  I'm alive.  I'm happy.  I'm able to be Michelle the mom, and Michelle the wife.
I'm Michelle.

God is good.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 721

Just this.

After the turmoil of the other night, I needed this.
Thanks to my beautiful Bella friend Kindra for sharing. 

Kicking cancer's ass - day 720

Insomniac blogging...

Tonight (or should I say last night, since it's 12:15am?) I had the worst headache I've had in years.  Almost two years, to be exact - when I had the WORST.HEADACHE.EVER after my first chemo and I ended up in the emergency room.  

Thankfully I didn't end up in tears - or the emergency room - tonight, especially since Hubby is away for work.  It did take some heavy-duty pain meds and lots of chocolate to dull the migraine, though, and I'll probably wake up tomorrow feeling like someone took a 2x4 to the back of my head.

Speaking of headaches....I've been a little worried lately because I've had a headache almost every single day since we got home from New York (a week ago).  I want to blame it on Tamoxifen (I'm not supposed to take it for a few days when I fly, so I was off it, on again, off again and now back on, and it really does a number on you with side effects when you do that).  I also want to blame it on allergies now that I'm back in lovely west Texas.  I could also blame it on the heat, because I went from waking up to temperatures in the 50s in NY to Texas in August, which means almost 100 degrees every damn day.  

However, I had cancer.  So you know what that means.  Pain, especially something out of the ordinary that doesn't go away - or keeps coming back- equals something to worry about.

I honestly think, though, that most of the headaches I've been having are tension headaches.  I know for a fact tonight's was.  You'd think I would be nice and relaxed, right?  It's summertime, we just got back from vacation, I've been out of work for over two weeks..... and yet I ended up with a killer migraine.  

One of the things I love the most, that I spend the most time on, is causing me a lot of stress lately.  What's the problem?  I'm a pleaser.  I want everyone to be happy.  I want everyone to get along.  I want everyone to do things for the right reasons.  And yet they don't.  People let attitudes and immaturity and spite get in the way of the bigger picture, and it's hurting me and those close to me.  

You would think that at the ripe old age of 42 I would learn not to take people at face value anymore.  I think my "friends" really are my friends.  Just because someone smiles at me doesn't mean they like me.  People rarely do what they say or say what they mean.  I don't have a mean-spirited bone in my body, though.  I keep looking for the positives, giving people the benefit of the doubt, and I probably always will.

That's probably something I should be proud of, but right now, tonight, I'm sick of the selfish, dog-eat-dog world we live in.  People waste so much time and energy on things that don't really matter.  I've spent over 700 days with the knowledge that I had cancer.  SEVEN HUNDRED.  For every one of those days, I've worried that I could still have cancer, or that I could have it again.  My life will never be the same.  THAT is the kind of thing that matters, that's worth getting upset over.  Life is too damn short.

Good thing it's past my bedtime or I might start looking for that stress ball.

Tomorrow I'll have my cancer ass-kicking mojo back.

And I hopefully won't have a headache.

Kicking cancer's ass - day 703

Two years ago today, August 1, 2013, I heard the words "you have cancer". 

That was just the beginning of the bad news.... The cancer had spread to my lymph nodes; there were three tumors, not one; my genetic testing was positive.  What does all of that mean? It means that for two years I have been kicking cancer's ass.  I had eight chemo treatments.  I've had six surgeries. I've had thirty-three radiation treatments.  Cancer took my breasts, chemo took my hair and the last twenty-four months have taken a toll.  But hard as it may have tried, cancer didn't win.

Two years ago today I became a cancer survivor. 

I refuse to say "cancer free". I have no symptoms and none of my blood work indicates a problem, so I'm going with the mantra "no news is good news".   But doctors don't tend to use the term remission anymore, and I have a hard time convincing myself that my body has no tiny microscopic ugly cancer cells just lurking, waiting to rear their ugly heads. My doctor doesn't do scans unless something warrants them, so I have no real proof that there isn't any cancer growing somewhere inside me.  That's why I choose to say I'm a cancer survivor.

Today, August 1, 2015, I will become something else - a stepdaughter.  Today our family celebrates.... we celebrate a mother and daughter both being on the other side of treatment and surgeries, and both being cancer survivors.  And we celebrate a couple's love as my mom and her guy finally tie the knot.

Happy Wedding Day Mom and Dana. I wish you many more years of love and happiness.

Kicking cancers ass - day 694

Most of the time I feel pretty good. I have aches and pains, and little energy, but most days I'm good to go.  I go to work, I run errands, I do laundry and cook dinner. I manage to be a mom, a wife, a bookkeeper, a softball coach, a friend.  Lately though, the "good to go" feeling is gone.

I had an incredibly busy few weeks getting ready for our softball league to host a big tournament. Four long days in the heat after weeks of preparation did me in. I came home Sunday afternoon and crashed at 3:00 in the afternoon. I did not get up until almost 10am the next morning.

I'm still really tired, days later. I don't know if it's the normal "you've been through hell because you had cancer" tired, or if I just haven't been taking good care of myself. I just really want to sleep for a week.

One of the lovely side effects of Tamoxifen is joint pain. Most of the time it's not bad... some hip pain and my knees get stiff if I sit too long.  Sometimes it is worse.  Tonight is one of those times. Everything hurts.

Being tired, feeling drained, and having it hurt to move makes for one cranky lady. I feel guilty wallowing in any negativity, but sometimes I just have to give in to the pity party.

One of these days I will wake up and feel rested. One of these days I will be able to stand up without saying "Ow". One of these days I will feel a little bit closer to normal.

One of these days.