Welcome to my world

I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister and a friend.
I've learned that who you have in your life matters more than what you have.
Thank you for stepping in to my world!

Wednesday, August 28, 2024

Kicking cancer's ass - day 4019

 


Over 4000 days of kicking cancer's ass!! Eleven years ago tomorrow I had my first chemo. Sixteen weeks of chemo, six weeks of daily radiation and a dozen surgeries, plus 10 years of taking an estrogen blocker that enhances menopause symptoms like joint pain, weight gain and mood swings. NOT FUN. But I fought hard and I'm grateful to be alive & well.

Three weeks ago I had my annual MRI for pancreatic cancer screening. Since I'm positive for the BRCA2 gene mutation, I'm high risk for a bunch of other cancers. I've had this MRI every year for the past six or seven years. This time, something showed up. ON MY BREAST.

You might not know how bizarre that is... but in 2014 I had a bilateral mastectomy. That means my breasts were removed. Later that year I had reconstruction, where the doctor took tissue (fat) from my upper thighs to make new "breasts". They look great. They feel great. They are me. But they are not actual breasts. So the fact that something suspicious showed up there on my scan sent me into a tailspin. 

I'm notorious for researching EVERYTHING, but Dr Google can be scary. I forced myself to not go crazy trying to look up what this could be. I did find out that the chance of a breast cancer recurrence in a reconstructed breast is 2-3%. That did nothing to reassure me, though, because anything that shows up as "new" on a routine scan can't be good.

They ordered a mammogram (on a fake breast!!) and an ultrasound, which I had last week. There was not one, but TWO spots that showed up. It was an emotional appointment, and I'm so grateful that Boyd and Kelsie were there with me. After a few days, the results were posted. One spot is most likely an oil cyst (whatever that is), so they didn't bother with it. The other was indeterminate, so a biopsy was needed. 

I can tell you this is not the road anyone wants to travel - ever. Especially not twice. I have not handled it well at all. I haven't slept. I might have raided Hubby's stash of Xanax more than once. Knowing there might be something insidious growing inside me was an obsession... it occupied my thoughts 24/7. I have been so stressed, anxious, sad, mad, defeated, disheartened... I couldn't even find it in me to pray for myself. I had zero faith that it would be anything other than what I didn't want it to be. My poor husband has had an empty shell of a wife for weeks.

The biopsy Monday was awful. Not physically... due to all of the surgeries, I have little feeling in my chest, so it didn't really hurt. But just being there, in a sterile room at the cancer center, with not very warm or reassuring nurses and doctors, and knowing they are doing this procedure to look for CANCER in the exact same place as my original cancer.... it was horrendous. The whole thing only lasted about 45 minutes, but by the time we got to the car I broke down and sobbed. 

The doctor who did the biopsy said they would call me with the results in 3-5 days, which would be Wednesday-Friday of this week. My stomach dropped when I got a phone call yesterday from UT Southwestern. I just knew that a call that quick (the next day!) had to be bad news.

I was wrong. NOT CANCER! 💗


I don't know that I've ever felt such relief. 
I don't know what the suspicious spot is - she didn't say - but I know what it's NOT, and that's all that matters. I will ask at my next app0intment in September.

I have posted this on Facebook several times, and probably included it in a blog post, but - especially now - it bears repeating.  I did not write this, but it is 100% accurate. 

Imagine you're going about your day, minding your own business, when someone sneaks up behind you... 

You feel something press up against the back of your head, as someone whispers in your ear. 

"Sssshhhhh.... don't turn around. Just listen. I am holding a gun against the back of your head. I'm going to keep it there. I'm going to follow you around like this every day, for the rest of your life." 

"I'm going to press a bit harder, every so often, just to remind you I'm here, but you need to try your best to ignore me, to move on with your life. Act like I'm not here, but don't you ever forget... one day I may just pull the trigger... or maybe I won't. Isn't this going to be a fun game?" 

This is what it is like to be diagnosed with cancer. Any STAGE of cancer. Any KIND of cancer. Remission does not change the constant fear. It never truly goes away. It's always in the back of your mind. 

Please, if you have a loved one who has ever been diagnosed with cancer, remember this. They may never talk about it or they may talk about it often. Listen to them. 

They aren't asking you to make it better. They want you to sit with them in their fear... their sadness... their anger... just for the moment. That's it. 

Don't try to talk them out of how they are feeling. That doesn't help. It will only make them feel like what they are going through is being minimized. Don't remind them of all the good things they still have in their life. They know. They are grateful. 

But some days they are more aware of that gun pressing into the back of their head and they need to talk about it. Offer them an ear. 

❤Written by Sherry McAllister❤


That gun pressed a little bit harder against me these last three weeks, and it was a brutal reminder that my fight will never really be over. I got complacent, and the fear nearly broke me. August is the worst month. 

If you've read this whole thing, thank you. Thank you for being the listening ear for me today.

Thursday, August 1, 2024

Kicking cancer's ass - day 3992

 


Eleven years ago on August 1st I heard the words "it's cancer". 

I have been a cancer survivor for almost FOUR THOUSAND DAYS!! 

My life was forever changed that day. Weeks and months of treatment and more than a dozen surgeries, plus ten years of anti-hormone therapy have done a number on me physically. But I am still here!!


About a week ago my daughter found out that she has the same breast cancer gene mutation that I have (BRCA2). It's not a guarantee that she'll get cancer, but she's very high risk for breast cancer & ovarian cancer, plus elevated risk for melanoma, pancreatic cancer and others. Shitty news to give to an eighteen year old right before she leaves for college, but we are going with the "knowledge is power" motto. We have an appointment with the genetic counselor today and once Kelsie turns 25 she will have yearly MRIs and be under the care of (my) high risk breast cancer doctor. The team at UT Southwestern saved my life, so it gives me some comfort to know that she'll be seen by the best of the best.

If you are the praying type, please pray for many, many cancer-free years for both me and Kelsie.

One side note:  Happy Anniversary to my mom and her hubby!
Another side note: Happy graduation day to Brooke (Jared's girl). She's officially an RN!!!

Wednesday, July 31, 2024

Kicking cancer's ass - day 3991

The last time I wrote anything here was December.

DECEMBER.

Yikes.

Can I just say that Kelsie's senior year was crazy busy??? When you have a girl who is involved in everything at school, plus church, plus a job, plus a million friends, plus a boyfriend... the things to do and plan and buy and attend were ENDLESS. There is not enough space in this blog for the 3,418,943 pictures I have taken this year alone.

I don't have the energy to summarize the last six months, but let's just say Kelsie made the most of her senior year... that girl got more out of high school than anyone I know. She graduated with honors and a 3.7 GPA, and we are SO proud of her and all of her accomplishments.

So far 2024 has been the year of Kelsie. And this has especially been the SUMMER of Kelsie. Do you want to know what it's like to be in Kelsie's orbit? This is just a glimpse of the last eight weeks...

Graduation week was full of celebrations, including Grammie & Dana visiting and a combo birthday/graduation party for 30 of Kelsie's closest friends. ha ha   We rented out the pool area of a local AirBnB on the last day of school and I think everyone had a fabulous time. 





Watching Kelsie graduate was kind of surreal. When Justin graduated, I had a six month old baby, so I was a little distracted. When Jared graduated, the world was shut down due to COVID so nothing was normal about that and everyone was distracted. It was fun/sad/exciting to watch my baby girl get her diploma, but I still to this day say I'M NOT READY! Can we just turn back time a little bit????






After graduation we made our annual trip to Oklahoma City to watch the Womens College Softball World Series. It was extra exciting this year because the University of Texas was the #1 seed and they made it to the championship series (but choked) against Oklahoma.  

We usually don't go for opening day, but that was Kelsie's 18th birthday so we decided to go and spend the entire week. It was fun but exhausting, even though we mostly just sat around watching softball!








A week after we got home from OKC we hit the road again to see Parker McCollum and George Strait at Kyle Field (Texas A&M). It was my first time in Aggie land and it was incredible to be at a concert with over 100k other country music fans!






A week after THAT road trip, Kelsie left yet again. Along with some of her besties, she attended her last Beltway summer camp as a student. It was bittersweet and at a different camp that wasn't as much fun as previous years, but knowing my daughter she made some wonderful memories with her friends before they all move on.






Hubby and I took Kelsie (and Justin & Meagan took Alexa) to Jamaica for a week. It was INCREDIBLE!! But, what's a Kelsie vacation without some drama? We arrived in Jamaica the day before a category 4 hurricane hit the island! We weathered the storm in our rooms and were on the beach the following day! So many people thought we were CRAZY for even going... but I'm so glad we did. We were so lucky to be at that resort on that part of the island. Huge concrete buildings, amazing staff, and generators kept us safe and had the resort up and running again by 8pm that night. 

We had some much needed relaxation time... poolside, on the beach, Kelsie went horseback riding in the ocean and we even got Boyd on a catamaran! 


The hurricane was the strongest between 2pm & 6pm. This video was around 5pm... 115mph winds.














Hubby decided to do his best Jim Cantore impersonation with his very own weather report from our balcony during the hurricane...


Our last "event" of the summer before Kelsie leaves for college (sniff) was a little getaway for me and her. We spent two nights at Winstar casino and attended Morgan Wallen's concert's at AT&T Stadium in Arlington. The first night was really great (Jelly Roll opened for him and he was fantastic)... but the second night was EPIC. Of course, being at the home of the Dallas Cowboys, my boy Troy Aikman did Morgan's walkout with him. Our seats were incredible - like 20 feet from the stage, and Morgan put on a hell of a show. Energetic and having fun and he sounded amazing. I'm ready for night #3!!  












We even had luck at the casino! Kelsie took home $500!!


Are you exhausted yet? I know I am, but I am SOAKING UP every minute I can with my girl. She leaves for college three weeks from today. I don't know what I'm going to do without my little broke bestie. She really is the energy and heart and laughter in our house. 


One last thing... Kelsie and I did a spur of the moment thing yesterday. 


We each drew a heart where they were intertwined and had it made into matching tattoos. I LOVE IT. Every time I look down at my arm I smile and think of her.

I don't know anyone who can pack so much life into... well... LIFE as my daughter. I love her so much and I'm so happy we've been able to make so many memories with her before college life swallows her up.











Wednesday, December 20, 2023

Kicking cancer's ass - day 3767

 


Is He, though? 
I'm having a very hard time with this lately.

I've never been an overly religious person, but I consider myself a believer and I've always relied on my faith. That has seen me through some very tough times. I don't think I have even a tiny mustard seed of faith right now. It hurts my heart to feel like this, especially at Christmas. This is my favorite time of year, and normally the time I feel closest to God. Not this year. I'm stressed, overwhelmed and sad. Not filled with the Christmas spirit at all. 

I know that God does not answer every prayer. Nothing bad would ever happen in the world if He did. I also know He didn't promise it would be easy. He promised it would be worth it. Well, right now? It doesn't feel worth it. It feels hard and unfulfilling and like He couldn't care less about me.

I'm struggling. Big time. In fact, this font is called "Shadows into Light", because I'm desperately searching for the light. 

It seems like every single prayer I pray, everything I hope for, everything I ask for... the exact opposite happens. Over and over again. Big prayers, tiny everyday prayers, prayers for myself, prayers for others... it doesn't matter. I hope and pray for something good, or an answer, and instead something bad or disappointing or stressful happens. 
I'm lost. I'm sad. I'm disconnected from God, from my family, from LIFE. I'm not asking for miracles, or millions of dollars, or for world peace. In the grand scheme of things, my prayers are insignificant and personal. Maybe too personal. Maybe God is trying to show me that I'm being selfish (even though 99% of my prayers are not for me). 



I don't know how many times in my life I have had to tell myself that it's all in GOD'S plan. Not mine. Even though I think I know best. Right now I feel like there is no plan at all. I'm frustrated with life. I'm sick of stupid little things going wrong, because those little things keep adding up to feel like BIG things. I don't see God's plan for me at all. The plan right now feels like I'm just meant to struggle.

We don't always agree with God's plan. I will fully admit that I have questioned Him more times in my life than I probably should have. When I lost one baby... then another. When Allyson got sick. When Trudy got sick. When *I* got sick. When Allyson died way too soon.. When Trudy died way too soon. When Darren died way too soon in such a shocking way. I've asked God "WHY?" a lot. And of course, there's no answer. 


I know I'm blessed. I have a loving family. I have a cozy, comfortable home. I have two jobs that I enjoy and help me provide for our family. I have my health (sort of). I don't take any of that for granted. But I am very weary. It's so hard to understand why everything I pray for is rejected. Or ignored. It feels like my hopes and prayers are insignificant. It's hard not to "lose heart" when everything your heart asks for is denied.


I have been searching for Bible verses about struggling with your faith and not feeling closer to God. Hebrews 13:5 keeps coming up in my searches. I don't believe it right now, but I hope if I read it enough, pray it enough, that I will start to feel that this is true. Because right now I feel forsaken. 

Merry freaking Christmas.